In the thirty years I've spent on this planet, I can't think of a single New Years resolution I've kept. Whoa, scratch that. From age fourteen on I included "lose my virginity" on each list.
Thank God I got that out of the way last year.
So I thought this year I'd make my self-improvement list public to lend it a little moral authority. You know, give it a little oompah that it's been lacking. I therefore present:
Slapinions Rambling List of Likely Unattainable but certainly Doable New Years Resolutions (Had I Only a Smidgen of Ambition And Personal Will Power) 2005 Edition.I will lose weight by exercising more and practicing self-control of my eating habits. I will go to the gym on a regular basis. I will also quit smoking.
I'm lumping those together so that when I fail it'll only count as one mark against me.
Despite all my inherent masculine distaste at the idea, I will learn to braid my daughter's hair.
Because on the rare mornings her appearance is my responsibility, my daughter goes to kindergarten looking like Gene Wilder.
I will figure out how to transfer my home videos to DVD's using my computer
Which, after all, was the whole reason I spent the extra $500 on the thing in the first place.
I will attend church more often
I did much better this year, but working third shift doesn’t make it easy come Sunday morning and the guilt is piling up.
I will not falter in my assertion that the Godfather is a thousand times better than Scarface
Mark this one as done. It's not even a contest.
Again swallowing my masculine genetic predisposition, I will help my wife catch up on our children's scrapbooks.
Disturbingly enough, I actually enjoy doing this.
I will no longer invest hope, excitement, or expectations in my Milwaukee Brewers
Which is something I should have done ten years ago.
I will no longer childishly try to spoil my wife's orgasms by whispering "Richard Nixon" at that 'special' time
Frankly, this should never have been an issue.
I will make every effort to secure publication of my writing, and will accept rejection with renewed determination
It's sad when your only published work is a twenty-year old letter in Boy's Life
I will read a hundred books.
Been saying that for years, but have never cracked ninety.
I will take the extra time to relearn my parenting skills to benefit my son.
Because after two daughters, the whole 'penis' thing makes me feel like my wife's giving birth to a Martian.
I will make at least a piddling attempt to renew my acquaintance with the guitar
I was never any good, but I enjoyed it. And it would impress my daughters.
I will not lose any more teeth in the coming year
Let's just let that sleeping dog lie, shall we?
I will attend an out-of-state baseball game with my Dad
I will make some effort at mental improvement
Ideally I'd like to learn Polish or Latin, but I'd settle for remembering half the phone numbers in my cell.
I will successfully find a better paying, safer, more challenging day job.
Not just because the one I have now pays poorly and is eventually going to get me killed, but because I really am capable of better. Plus working nights is hell on my tan.
Will I succeed? I'll fill you in with an update next year. 'Til then -
Happy New Year everyone!