After years of careful study I've identified the segment of the media that works to inflict the most damage on our view of women.
It isn't rap videos, and it's not The Bachelor.
It not those miscast sitcoms with the fat, homely husband and the hot young wife.
It's women's hygiene commercials.
Say there's a strapping, handsome young man - just for convenience we'll call him Dan, because it's so true to life - and somehow he's never had close contact with a female of the species.
Sadly, also true for most of my life.
Dan sits down and watches some television. In only a few hours he sees commercials for:
Assorted tampons, maxi-pads, panty liners, panty liners with wings, seven, three, and one day yeast infection cream, birth control pills, the birth control patch, feminine deodorant spray, pregnancy tests, ovulation tests, menopause treatments, perimenopause treatments, bladder control aids, osteoporosis medicine, and good old fashioned Sure deodorant.
The poor guy probably thinks women are a sickly, jumbled, smelly mess.
Why would the media want to portray a half-truth like that?
[And that's without bringing in the big guns - the constant Valtrex commercials where the attractive actress is proud to announce: "I don't let genital herpes get me down."
You go girl.
And good luck picking up a date.]
Men, on the other hand, are represented only twice: when the world's scientists make a major breakthrough in shaving technology (like, you know, adding aloe to shaving cream) and in ads for athlete's foot medicine.
I'm not too keen on imagining John Madden with an itchy burning rash, but at least the only gooey cream involved comes from a pharmacy.
Now to be fair things are out of balance. There should be a score of men's hygiene products on TV, from a patch for plumber's crack, undies immune to racing stripes, or little floating targets that give us a sporting chance in the bathroom.
[from the TMI file: forget the floating targets; the bowl cleaner on the rim of the toilet does the job just fine. It's like getting two products for the price of one!]
It's not just about numbers though. It's the way women's products are presented.
If I were to wake up one morning and find things out of sorts you-know-where, I would not ask a friend for product advice over a warm cup of tea. I would not consult my parents, my clergy, or my alderman.
Frankly, unless there was a danger of amputation, I would be loathe to tell a doctor.
You can chalk this up to male pig-headness all you want. You can say that men are not comfortable with their body, or that they are emotionally inhibited and incapable of true friendship.
Well I'm plenty comfortable with my body - after all, no one else wants it - and I know the meaning of true friendship,
It means I'd slap any friend who told me about the wonders of new odor-free Stayfree.
Frankly, women are too comfortable discussing this stuff. What focus group thought to invade a grocery store and ask women about their feminine odor? Who are these people, and why are they massaging a maxi-pad during my dinner?
I've been married a long time. I've been sent out to buy enough of these products to keep an all-girls school stocked for a semester. With two daughters I know it'll only get worse.
What I ask, I ask not for myself, but for the image of women everywhere:
If you have to advertise the stuff, can you do it when I'm not watching?
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