Razzle Dazzle

This is the weekend of our annual dance recitals, and as I write this Lisa, Smiley, YaYa and LuLu should be wrapping up the first performance of the year. I'll be attending the evening show with my Dad, and it stands to be a great night of family entertainment.

In honor of the event, I rented Razzle Dazzle: A Journey into Dance, a mockumentary centered on two competing children's dance studios in Australia.


The first and most impressive studio is run by the beautiful Miss Elizabeth, who operates - very successfully - with cold hearted efficiency. "More stretching, less eating" she recites to her troupe, and she chastises one girl for failing to complete a turn even after all the "false praise" Miss Elizabeth handed out.


The competing studio is your classic underdog, run by Mr. Jonathon, who seventeen times (he counted) was relagated to the back row of the stage in childhood recitals. His approach is that of your classic over-the-top artist, with children's recitals full of dances about political oppression, economic policies, and sexual politics. That being said, Mr. Jonathon is a nice man who genuinely loves both dancing and the members of his little troupe, and you're quick to side with him in his struggles.


And struggle he does. His dancers have talent, but the best of the bunch, Tenille, comes with the Stage Mom of all Stage Moms. The troupe's costumer is a silent goth woman, and the secretary routinely auditions potential foster children, takes them into her home, then drops them back at the orphanage at the conclusion of recital season.


Enter talented young Grace, the daughter of television personality who's fallen in love with his male on-screen partner and divorced her Mum. Grace herself is eccentric, and if the viewer isn't mistaken there's a bit of chemistry between her Mom and the lonely Mr. Jonathon . . .


Great fun, with some talented dancing and a good laugh or two as well.


Recommended.

"And I was all ready to say thank you!" - classic Match Game moment

The wonderful Charles Nelson Reilly brings the show to its knees with this one, an unexpected response to a Match Game question about Snow White. ROFLMAO, as the kiddies say with their fancy-dancy new text machines.

Danny Gokey and the Lost Season Finale

I told you that twenty-year old monstrosity of a Terrance Trent Darby song would help seal the deal.

With Danny Gokey gone I'm relieved - the Slapinions household is now done with American Idol for the year, if not longer.

I've felt for weeks that Adam would win the prize in the end (how could he not, with Simon and the producers pimping him at every opportunity, be it on Oprah, in Entertainment Weekly, etc) so I have no complaint about him moving on to the finals.

But Kris???

I like the guy, but he doesn't have the chops to be in the final; an American Idol should not be chosen on the whim of a bunch of 12 year olds with mad text messaging skills. If Kris wins, its no better than Taylor Hicks Pt II, and so . . .gag . . . I have to root for Adam in the finals.

But I'm not going to watch, because either its a done deal or I'm done with the show. Don't believe me? Once Dautrey (sic) was voted off neither Lisa and I watched another episode until this season.


As for Danny, I don't think he'll stay long in pop music. I imagine he'll do a quick strafing run on the top 40 to earn his pension savings, then carve out a long career in Christian Rock.

* * * *


Lost's season finale blew my mind. It was a solid, well thought out show that managed the neat trick of creating more questions while still moving the story arc forward at a brisk pace. For the record: about ten minutes into the episode, I guessed that John's corpse was in the shipping crate and that 'Locke' was an imposter. But don't feel bad if you didn't figure it out.

I am an Evil Genius after all.

Anyhow, I'm a wee bit tired to craft all my thoughts into a coherent package, so let's go with a list of items from my brain.

a. I think we have to concede that 'Adam and Eve', the two aged corpses in
the caves from the first season, are Rose and Bernard - happily together, even
in death.

b. Rose was right; the Losties spend a whole lot time dredging up
drama and trotting around trying to stop it. Of course, without that there would
be no show.

c. Miles' question about the bomb was apt. What if the Losties create the incident by attempting to stop it in the first place? A few points against his POV. One, the incident seemed pretty wickedly bad sans the nuke, although I'll grant you the gunfire may have affected the drill and magnified its effect. Two, even if he's right, big wup. If they set off the bomb and cause the incident they're no worse off than they were, albeit with a few more corpses laying around to clean up. Essentially, it would be status quo.

d. I repeat my earlier claim: Kate is of no use to the plotline anymore. Kill 'er off.

e. Note the New Kids on the Block lunchbox? Rock on Lost universe, rock on!

f. I know the producers have discounted the purgatory/spiritual aspects of the show, but the finale would sure seem to be a return to the idea. Read on below.

g. Jacob is a benign and supernatural force that encourages free will and yet seems to have foreknowledge of what those freely made choices will be. His opponent - fans have already named him 'Esau' after the biblical rivalry between Jacob and his brother - is a being who restricts free choice by manipulating men to do his bidding.

h. I was wrong about Locke creating his own destiny. Locke/Esau made his own destiny, and doomed poor Locke. It was Esau who instructed Richard to prompt the true Locke into his belief that his death was essential, and tricked Richard into believing the same.

i. I don't believe Esau has power outside of the island. He was forced to manipulate events from the island in an effort to bring Locke and the Oceanic Six back to his home turf. Once Locke was dead and the plane on the ground he could assume Locke's form.

j. I believe Esau is, or is connected with, the smoke monster. I think he assumed Christian's form to manipulate Claire and John, and took the shape of Ben's daughter in the temple to force Ben's co-operation. Taken as a whole I think the monster/Esau is incapable of mimicking a living soul, and can only replicate the dead.

k. I buy into the argument that Eko was Esau's first pawn, but that he somehow caught wind of the manipulation and in response was brutally killed by the monster. Note his dying words to John: "You're next."

l. Esau obviously lacked the ability to kill Jacob himself and needed to find a 'loophole' to accomplish the deed. That places Esau as subordinate, if distinct, from Jacob. God/Devil?

m. The breadth of Esau's manipulation, which dates back over a year and suckered in the entire show's cast, is well and truly impressive.

n. With his secret revealed, will Esau be able to talk his way out of danger? Does he need to?

o. Back to the 'core' group - the bomb goes off in the end. Is tragedy averted? The 'no' vote: we wouldn't have much of a show then, correct? The 'yes' vote: Daniel was a pretty sharp tack, and the idea sounds plausible in a goofy Lost-like way. I can't see the point of doing it if its just going to be explained away with a 'huh. We were wrong." in the season opener.

p. Back to Jacob: so was it Esau that was the resident of the cabin? If so, why would Ben take anyone there? Then again, he was surprised when items flew abou,t so maybe he assumed it was just a mock-stage to sucker in the masses. But why bother with the charade?

q. Whoever was in the cabin was a prisoner to some degree, as the ash boundary is a clear line of demarcation. But I assume Esau was free to do his business with the smoke monster, so what gives? At what point in the show was the ash boundary trampled on by a Lostie? That might give us the answer right there.

r. The storyline as a whole: forget what the producers said five years ago, this is reeking of redemption/punishment/spiritual judgement. Call it by whatever name you like, at its heart it appears God and the Devil are battling it out for the possession of a handful of souls.

s. What a great bleepin' series. Man I love Lost!

Rice Krispie Eggs on Good Friday

As usual, we kept up our annual tradition of dyeing Easter eggs with the kids in our life, a practice that dates back to well before we had children of our own. Two changes this year: because of schedule difficulties our friend Chris' kids did not attend, and for God knows what reason my nephew and oldest niece skipped the proceedings. *

Ack, make that three changes, in honor of the Trinity ;), but the last one was a good 'un. Lisa decided to mix things up a bit and make Rice Krispie Eggs dipped in chocolate.











Aside from getting it on themselves and some on the woodwork, they kept the mess to a minimum.



















I think we'll repeat this project next year, but not because it was oh so successful. I think the finished product looked a little turd-like, and they were far too dense for my liking. But it's a neat idea and a crowd pleaser, and with a little practice I think they'll be yummy.


* Hey, I know egg dyeing isn't something a 14 and 12 year old *want* to do, but tough ta-ta. Half my life, if not more, is comprised of doing things that aren't high on my "Hot Dog!" list. If nothing else, the little kids look up to them and noticed their absence. *Meet your obligations*Here endeth the sermon.

On Hate Mail, American Idol, and Lost

Yes, I did get hate email about my article yesterday. Only two mind you, but they were doozies. The first called me several names, specifically said I didn't love my family, and labeled my writing "worthless drivel". The second was kinder, but that might be because he doesn't appear to have actually read the column.

* * * *

I'll be glad when American Idol is done for the year. Not that I haven't enjoyed it, but it's such a pain to have another obligation on my schedule. It's not like you can even postpone your viewing, because the media saturation gives it all away the next day.

* * * *

I was late for work last week because of Mr. Gokey. Gokey's hometown return was a big event here, and while a top crowd of 5,000 was expected at the Summerfest Grounds more than 20,000 showed up. That meant traffic was backed up around the city, even on the south side, so I sat on the freeway listening to 'cool' alternative music DJ's blast American Idol as 'Karaoke'.

As**ole.

* * * * *

I'm not a big conspiracy person, but the first song that Danny was forced to sing reeked of an ambush. Terrance Trent Darby? An unknown Terrance Trent Darby song ? An unknown Terrance Trent Darby song that sounds like disco?

Meanwhile, Adam is handed U2's fine if over-rated 'One'. This reminded me, just a hair, of the overtly feminine songs that were chosen for the Kelly/Justin finale in Season One. That move put Justin, already an underdog, at a fatal disadvantage.

I don't think the producers rig the election, but they sure do their best to sway the vote.

I thought Danny bit the bullet and got through the first song and shined by the end of the show. Kris started the show strong but his version of Kanye, to me, sounded like a butchered coffee-shop version of a great song.

Adam . . . ugh. Every song sounds the same, a shrieking knock-off of Mark Wahlberg's imitation of Judas Priest in Rock Star. And what's with the tongue thing?You're not in Kiss, Adam.

I'm kind of hoping Gokey doesn't win it all, as I'd like him to have more than the one moderate hit the winner will produce before returning to obscurity. Still, I think he makes the finals with Adam.


* * * *

I haven't written about Lost because for several weeks, while I was at work, someone *cough* failed to notice that the DVR cancelled the recording in favor of Whatever, Martha.

I've finally caught up online. Here are some brief thoughts:

1. The actress that plays 40 year old Eloise Hawking (Alice Evans) is SUPER SUPER HOT. What a Danny girl.

2. The shooting of Ben ended in a cop-out worthy of Dallas. His memory was erased? C'mon!

3. Locke is creating his own 'destiny'. He sends Richard to recruit the adolescent Locke, he send Ricard to pass on the message that he must die, etc. So how much of it is BS? Is he destined for greatness, or just a false prophet?

4. Kate has become a boring, superfluous character, both in terms of the show itself and her interactions within the Lost universe. She could bite the big one and I wouldn't shed a tear.

5. I still say time can be altered. Maybe they have a shot at erasing everything that's happened. I just don't think detonating a hydrogen bomb is a smart way to go about it.

Deeper

Deeper is Jeff Long's follow-up to his chilling The Descent. Like most sequels it duplicates some of the original work, although I would argue that would be hard to avoid in this case. A novel about a race of horrific creatures living deep in the earth - well it kind of necessitates a trip underground, doesn't it?

Ike, the longtime captive turned Army scout, has returned to the caves and hasn't been seen in years. His wife Ali, the former nun,, leads a controversial scientific group that is seen as overly sympathetic to the plight of the Hadals, the demonic race defeated in The Descent.

Although they were supposedly wiped out at the end of first book, the Hadals mount a strike against the heart of America, kidnapping children from across the country. The mother of one of the children mounts what's termed a Children's Crusade, an armed volunteer expedition to the center of the earth. Not surprisingly, Ali and her MIA husband are soon drawn into the fray. That trek towards a bloody confrontation with the Hadal is the heart of the novel, echoing the plot of the first.

There are difference however, and not just in the motives that move the characters. When we last saw it the underworld was an elaborate but undeveloped universe; now, with a flippant and unrealistic confidence in their past victory, many humans have migrated below. A more fundamental difference lies in the philosophy of Long's universe. In The Descent the Hadal are not only physical beings but creatures whose existence defines religion as a fraud, even if I thought the argument was weak and contrived.

Deeper, however, has a definitive spiritual flavor. The Hadal may be earthbound beings but they are led by a being that looks/acts/thinks like a fallen angel, one in a desperate search for release from his prison, and there is an immortal mythological creature at work too.

Long's universe remains one of monstrous darkness defined by elaborate torture, brutal cannibalism, and fear. It would be an awful, awful world to live in, but from the safety of the printed page, it's a great place to visit.

My newest column

Here's a link to my column in today's Journal.

Local readers: let me remind you that a visit to JSOnline does *not* excuse you from purchasing a copy of the paper. If nothing else, think of it this way - you're not buying the same text you can get online. You're buying the same text and my picture (which is never displayed on their site).

* * * * *

I got two letters from the Journal editors today. The first was the standard "got your submission" letter. The second one surprised me and made me smile.

Dan, I like the approach you took in your column – especially given your
personal history with smoking. It turned out nicely, and not just the usual
knee-jerk type of opposition. Thanks.

Mabel W
Perspectives
Editor

It may not seem like much, but a letter like this isn't her normal M.O. Usually she just prints your stuff or rejects it, without much commentary either way, so I am unduly proud of the compliment.

* * * *
Mild off on a tangent comment:

I've never been happy with the number of commas I use in my writing. I think I use them too often for my own good. But after looking at five published columns of mine, and comparing each to the draft that was submitted, I guess I'm wrong. The editors seem to add a comma after every other word; honestly, it's like they get paid per comma.

I know, I know. It looks different online than it does in cold hard print - it does. Really, it looks and reads much better in ink - but jeesh.

Another column will be published Tuesday

Last week the newspaper sent out an email to the columnists, asking for a volunteer to argue against the creation of a smoking ban in Wisconsin. On the theory that I will never, ever refuse a writing job I clicked 'reply' without much thought. I didn't hear back by the stated time, but it was no real loss.

Then on Friday I took a call at work. To my suprise it was the editor ("Hi Dan, it's Mabel from The Journal . . .") who handed me the assignment. What was neat, other than an editor calling me, was that I was chosen over a number of people who asked for the assignment. Cool.

So, Milwaukee folk, get out your 75 cents; the column will run Tuesday morning.

* * * * *

Quick memory: Sunday marked the 18th anniversary of a May snowstorm that dumped six inches in the area. It was my junior year of high school, and I'll never forget standing in front of Pius, just stunned by the freak snowfall.

* * * *

Overheard: Two skinny women discussing the People magazine with Kristie Alley on the cover, 'coming clean' about her 80 pound weight gain.

Woman 1: Ugh, hellllloooo! Don't you think after twenty pounds you'd look in the mirror and realize you were fat?

Woman 2: I know! What a pig!

A . Burn in hell bit**es.

B. Kirstie was a contestant on The Match Game in 1979, well before Cheers or even her stint in the Star Trek movies.

C. I speak from experience when I say: No, you really don't notice until you're so far gone it's too late. Case in point, uh, now, when I tip the scales at the heaviest I've been in 15 years.

You're telling me this would happen on Jeopardy?

Here's where I waste far too much time dissecting six minutes of game show history. But hey, it beats following politics - at least in Game Show Land capitalism is still en vogue.

In the 1977 season a contestant on the Match Game had to complete the following statement: "Dumb Dora was so Dumb she sent her cultured pearls to BLANK". His answer: "school".

The first two panelists answered 'college' and were awarded a match. Charles Nelson Reilly was then rejected for the answer "Scuba Diving School" but when he complained the contestant got a point.

Follow me so far?

Then we get to the bottom row of contestants. A celebrity is awarded a match for 'Finishing School' but its quickly reversed without explanation. Then Richard Dawson's identical answer was rejected outright, and all hell broke loose.

Like the title of the post implies, you ain't gonna see this schtuff on Jeopardy. Pure. Unscripted. Unrehearsed. Genuine. Mayhem.



My take on it? The game had a longstanding rule against matching what they termed a "specific" with a "general". Meaning if you said Notre Dame and the celebrity wrote down "Cathedral", you were S.O.L. In this case "college" should have been rejected outright. The other answers could have gone either way, but by that point the judge just plain lost control.

Thus, the "School Riot".

Ugh. Kids.

Over at Bernie's blog I read that during a tantrum her daughter threw a battery through a window. A horrible thing, naturally, but I thank Bernadette profusely for publishing the fact.

Why? Because while it caused no monetary damage, my LuLu had one of THE BIGGEST AND MOST EMBARRASSING FITS EVER yesterday, and the knowledge that there are others like her in the world . . well, it's a small comfort, but I'll take it.

I went to pick the girls up from school yesterday and as usual the K4 teacher released her brood early, so I got LuLu first. I told her both Lisa and I were working and that she'd spend the evening at my Mom's. She was fine with it - happy actually.

Then YaYa came out and joined us, and while I wouldn't put it past her to torment Lu, I think what followed was a genuine slip of the tongue. YaYa mentioned that instead of spending the day at my Mom's, she'd been invited to sleep over at her cousin's apartment.

Cue LuLu's fit.

Er, wrong word. I can handle fits and hissies. The girl had a fit and a hissy and refused to come with us, running away from me time and again as if we were playing a demented game of tag.

In front of the whole parking lot full of students and parents.

I already have a complex from being the designated white thrash family of the school, the poorest of the bunch (even when I had my old job), and "that Dad that always drops the kids off five minutes late in the morning". Now, if anyone was paying the slightest attention, I'm the "Dad that is totally ignored and disrespected by his five year old".

Threats didn't work. Logic didn't work. I never tried to bribe her, I was too angry and it sets a bad precedent, but I did threaten to leave her behind. That worked . . . sorta. She'd wander over to us, then break away and run across the lot screaming.

In the end, AFTER 15 MINUTES, I caught hold of her, lifted her over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and loaded her into the car.

For anyone who did view this scene, yes, she is still alive and well. It's not necessarily my preferred choice, but there are all those pesky laws and Commandments and all. But her behavior will change. Guaranteed.

Ugh. Sometimes life sucks.