More Proof of My Dorkdom

Never before in history has a man of my beauty been so prone to nerdom.

Ever since I was five or six years old I've thought about going around Milwaukee, photographing all the remaining billboards painted on the side of brick buildings.

For all I know this is a universal phenomenom, but they've disappeared in the last quarter century here.

My goal, therefore, was to record them for all time in a coffee table book before the elements destroyed them.

As it is, this is the only one I've ever shot, taken today while driving with the girls.

Parker Update April 13th

Here's a pic of Parker, age 1 month 6 days, as he held his head up long enough for me to find the camera, turn it on, and shoot four or five pics before getting this one.  Not bad for a kid his age.

He's also eating a whole lot more than his sister's ever did. Tuesday he chugged 32 ounces over the course of the day. Yikes.

And here's a pic of me sleeping with him - don't worry, he spends most of his naps in his crib.

 

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One of those forwarded email gimmicks

My Mom, of all people, sent me a cool 'FWD:' email today. 

Nothing all that grand about it, but if you enter your birthdate in the pop up window that appears when you follow the link you'll get an interesting little summary of who's older and younger than you in the world.

http://www.frontiernet.net/~cdm/age1.html

Disgustingly, Alanis Morissette is two months younger than I am. Aside from her millions, she has what - five albums? - under her belt. 

I should have fudged my birthdate.

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Congrats to Tre

On this fine Wisconsin day I'm pleased to extend congrats to my good friend Tre, who just received word that he'll be moving on to a bigger and better job.

Best of luck!

The Post about Women's Hygiene April 12th

After years of careful study I've identified the segment of the media that works to inflict the most damage on our view of women.

It isn't rap videos, and it's not The Bachelor.

It not those miscast sitcoms with the fat, homely husband and the hot young wife.

It's women's hygiene commercials.

Say there's a strapping, handsome young man - just for convenience we'll call him Dan, because it's so true to life - and somehow he's never had close contact with a female of the species.

Sadly, also true for most of my life.

Dan sits down and watches some television. In only a few hours he sees commercials for:

Assorted tampons, maxi-pads, panty liners, panty liners with wings, seven, three, and one day yeast infection cream, birth control pills, the birth control patch, feminine deodorant spray, pregnancy tests, ovulation tests, menopause treatments, perimenopause treatments, bladder control aids, osteoporosis medicine, and good old fashioned Sure deodorant.

The poor guy probably thinks women are a sickly, jumbled, smelly mess.

Why would the media want to portray a half-truth like that?

[And that's without bringing in the big guns - the constant Valtrex commercials where the attractive actress is proud to announce: "I don't let genital herpes get me down."

You go girl.

And good luck picking up a date.]

Men, on the other hand, are represented only twice: when the world's scientists make a major breakthrough in shaving technology (like, you know, adding aloe to shaving cream) and in ads for athlete's foot medicine.

I'm not too keen on imagining John Madden with an itchy burning rash, but at least the only gooey cream involved comes from a pharmacy.

Now to be fair things are out of balance. There should be a score of men's hygiene products on TV, from a patch for plumber's crack, undies immune to racing stripes, or little floating targets that give us a sporting chance in the bathroom.

[from the TMI file: forget the floating targets; the bowl cleaner on the rim of the toilet does the job just fine. It's like getting two products for the price of one!]

It's not just about numbers though. It's the way women's products are presented.

If I were to wake up one morning and find things out of sorts you-know-where, I would not ask a friend for product advice over a warm cup of tea. I would not consult my parents, my clergy, or my alderman.

Frankly, unless there was a danger of amputation, I would be loathe to tell a doctor.

You can chalk this up to male pig-headness all you want. You can say that men are not comfortable with their body, or that they are emotionally inhibited and incapable of true friendship.

Well I'm plenty comfortable with my body - after all, no one else wants it - and I know the meaning of true friendship,

It means I'd slap any friend who told me about the wonders of new odor-free Stayfree.

Frankly, women are too comfortable discussing this stuff. What focus group thought to invade a grocery store and ask women about their feminine odor? Who are these people, and why are they massaging a maxi-pad during my dinner?

I've been married a long time. I've been sent out to buy enough of these products to keep an all-girls school stocked for a semester. With two daughters I know it'll only get worse.

What I ask, I ask not for myself, but for the image of women everywhere:

If you have to advertise the stuff, can you do it when I'm not watching?

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Okay, I goofed

I think I screwed myself. A few days ago I tinkered with my journal and  made it 'private' for all of maybe an hour. 
 
Thatmishap ended any automatic feeds that were linked to the journal through AOL itself. 
 
If I'm wrong, or if you never had one, then ignore this post.

But if you once received email updates from Slapinions, you'll have to sign up all over again.

Sorry

 

Update from AOL

In my earlier post about AOL Journals I mentioned an AOL-Staffer's website that skirted one of AOL's ugliest features. I wrote this member asking how to do it myself.

Here's her answer:

Good afternoon, Dan. Thanks for your email. This was a unique Journal we did specifically for the NetGirl blog. AOL is working on the product so that members like yourself can add more "personality" to your Journal. More information should be available at KW Journals in the upcoming months. If you have any more questions or comments feel free to email me.   Sincerely,   -----  

Okay, so I was wrong. But I'm sending her a link to my post to get my input heard by the powers-that-be.          

WYMS

Here in Milwaukee WMYS (88.9 FM) plays jazz - actual jazz, not watered down pop or glorified elevator music.

Well, times they are a'changing.

 Q: Will you end the current jazz programming and other shows now on WYMS?

A:  The jazz-only format and other shows will not continue. With satellite and Internet radio, every type of specialized music and ethnic programming is available for little or no cost.

 

     We do expect that urban music including some jazz will part of our diverse mix of music. And we hope to ease the transition to the new format by helping fans of the jazz-only format to locate alternative sources.

 

If you live outside of Wisconsin, please realize this: Milwaukee radio sucks

No matter what station you put on you'll hear the same stuff four times during any work shift.   WYMS was a nice little alternative, but it's going bye bye.   If you're in Milwaukee and a jazz fan, man you've gotta let them hear from you.

 And if you're in the area and don't care at all about jazz, look at this as your one rebellion against the corporate atmosphere on your radio dial.    

It might not be possible . . .

One of my favorite 'fridge art' comics. This edition of Hagar the Horrible says a lot about how the world really works.

BTW, the 'blank' entries aren't a mistake - I'm planning a big sidestep of an AOL limitation. If it works, you'll know in about a month. Otherwise they will quietly disappear with no one the wiser.

The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became an Evil Overlord

My buddy Tre sent me a link to this in an email:

"Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...

The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord "

While the author gives folks the right to reprint it, it's a mite too long for me. Check it out here instead.

My favorites?

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

And from a secondary list:

I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.