Today is my thirty-first birthday.
If you're expecting me to whine about the onset of old age, forgetaboutit.
Oh, I know my life story is nearing (or past) the midpoint of the tale, with nary a plot line to be seen. And sure, I haven't fulfilled my dreams of finding the Ark of the Covenant and defeating Belloq, or moving to the South Pacific and operating a sea-plane taxi, and yeah, I've yet to publish a book.
But let's look at the positives: I've sired three fine children, and . . .
Well, I've sired three children.
But never fear, I'm genetically immune to being depressed on my birthday.
My family is oddly enamored by them, insisting that each and every one be celebrated with cake, gifts, balloons, and irrational glee. My Mom still calls me promptly at midnight, both as the day begins and ends, to wish me a happy birthday.
Coming from a family where birthdays are subdued and well, normal, my wife can't understand this fascination.
She plays along (throwing me an opulent surprise party on my 30th, for example) but for the most part chalks it up to another one of those things she should have thought long and hard about before the wedding.
Let me tell you, that list is growing mighty long . . .
Anyway, in honor of my own Special Day, and at least in part to refute my own growing sense of loserdom, I'm going to rip off a concept I saw online, "The Done List".
[Sadly, as my Mother reads this I have to leave some good things off the list - wink wink nudge nudge - but even so, there's some stuff to make her blush. So Ma, close your eyes.]
In my thirty-one years I've:
- Flown in a helicopter
- Won a Super Bowl pool
- Saw Robin Yount collect his 3000th hit
- Met Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin
- Traveled to Arizona to watch a spring training game
- Graduated from college
- Rode a horse
- Attended a Presidential Inauguration
- Been a school boardmember
- Testified at a murder trial
- Flown cross-country just to attend a concert
- Cut the opening day ribbon for a fair (alongside a Congressman)
- Out-raced a hurricane in a Ford Aspire
- Attended a major-league baseball game in another state
- Been VP and treasurer of the staff Sunshine Social Club
- Been written up at the same job for having a surly attitude
- Milked a cow
- Slept overnight in bed with a corpse - not intentional
- Drove a member of the Black Crowes to the airport when his wife went into labor
- Drove from Wisconsin to Georgia stopping only for gas (twice)
- Been to the Country Music Hall of Fame
- Once arranged female 'companions' for a visiting rock band
- Wrote a book (unpublished)
- Caught a foul ball at a MLB baseball game
- Rode in a sailboat
- Attended a minor league baseball game
- Present at the births of all three of my children
- Been within 100 feet of a gunfight
- Been ticketed by the police for 'parking' with a girl in a public park
- Subsequently dumped by my girlfriend when she found out
- Broken a bone/had stitches
- Had the power go out during my tonsillectomy, in one of the biggest rainstorms in Milwaukee history
- Been accosted outside a porn shop by a man wearing rubber gloves - on Good Friday
- Marched in a parade
- Had to call 911 - conservatively - three dozen times
- Been mooned by an irate customer yelling "why don't you just F* me up the ass? It's what you're doing anyway!"
- Won second place in a spelling bee
- Broke a ceiling tile while playing football at work
- Had a 'friend' steal from me
- Took an IQ test while horribly intoxicated - and managed my best score ever
- Ate buffalo
- Went to Disney World
- Wrote a love poem to a TV star
- Been grand champion of two pinball games
- Been a best man twice and a godfather to two children
- Snuck into a concert rehearsal
- Had my ear pierced
- Shaved and/or Naired my back
- Had teeth pulled
- Got married
Not exactly Churchilian in scope, but it'll do for now.
By the way - Happy Birthday to me!
