Ginger the Destroyer

On this blog I used to call Smiley "Maker of Trouble and Mayhem", and it was true. He was far more mischievous than our oldest girls, and the cause of many a headache. In retrospect we had it easy. Ginger is, by general consensus, the most destructive baby in history.

She is a feral child. If she needs to be changed she'll get a diaper and lay down at your feet. If she is thirsty she will bring you a cup (or steal your drink). If she is hungry, she will bring you the food she wants (if she has not ripped it open herself).

For that reason I have always been grateful that she was too chicken to climb out of her crib on her own. In fact, I planned to spell out my thanks in writing here, just a few days ago.

And then it happened. I woke up and found Ginger downstairs alone. She had woken up before the rest of the family, climbed out of her crib, gone down the stairs, and destroyed our home.

This is what she did. There is no exaggeration here. No enhancement for dramatic effect. This is all her.

She tipped over a chair.

She dumped a box of Rice Krispies all over the floor.

She opened a bottle of vegetable oil and trailed it around the kitchen table before abandoning it and letting it pool out.

She ripped open a bag of popcorn seeds in the pantry.

She upended a half-empty glass of juice into Lisa's purse.

She knocked glasses and plates to the floor.

Oh man, were we furious. I wiggled my finger in her face and called her a naughty baby, the worst baby ever. She took it without blinking. Lisa joined in, telling her she'd spend the morning in the playpen if she didn't behave. Ginger's response? She mimicked me, waving a finger at Lisa and saying "NO!".
In the playpen she went, the first time in months we've even set the thing up. She tried and failed to climb out, then spent the morning playing with her toes or crying to be let out.

I think listening to that was more of a punishment for us than for her.

I surveyed the family and the consensus is, yeah, she's a crazy kid. My Dad said she yanked all his potted plants out of their containers. "I don't remember any of the grandkids being that destructive," he said - and he has seven.

All this, and we're still months shy of reaching the terrible twos. God help us all.

Last Titanic Survivor Passes Away

Milvina Dean, who was an infant when aboard the ill-fated passenger liner, passed away at 97. She was the last known survivor of the most famous sinking of all time.

Quoting the CNN article on her death:

. . . she was 8 years old before she knew she was on the fateful ship. Dean, along with her young brother and mother, survived the sinking of the Titanic, but her mother didn't tell her about it until years later . . .

Dean became the last known Titanic survivor after Barbara Joyce Dainton died in October 2007. The last American survivor, Lillian Asplund, died in May 2006.

According to the article, all the attention she received from Titanic enthusiasts in recent years gave her something to fill the days, an extra bit of oomph and vitality that increased her quality of life.

When I heard the news I went to tell YaYa, who continues to be fascinated by the ship.

Rest in Peace, Ms. Dean.

SPOILER WARNING My theories and critique of Terminator Salvation

I wanted to separate my review of the film from these thoughts, as they really aren't important to 80% of the people who'll see the film. But if you are curious, and like to think about foolish things in far too much detail, this post is for you.

Admission: I haven't read up on any Terminator Salvation theories, ideas, or for that matter any reviews, so if this is all old hat you'll have to excuse me.

1. First off, the obvious holes in the plot. A field hospital would not be sterile or well equipped enough to handle a heart transplant. The likelihood that the heart was a match are nil, and good luck finding the antibiotics to fend off rejection.

It was ludicrous, a plot point worthy of a high school creative writing class, and there only to allow us to finish the film with the tired "humans have heart" voice-over.

2. What are the chances that the pilot would be a hot brunette with tight-fitting pants that showed off an impressive ass? Only in the movies.

3. I don't care how nice of a leader you are. If one of your soldiers disobeys orders, sets an enemy prisoner free, then aids and abets his escape, you don't let her rejoin the ranks.

You hang her from a tree and let the corpse rot there as a reminder to the rest of your men.

4. So Skynet has Kyle, and uses him as a Judas Goat to lure in John Connor and finish the deal. And I say . . . why? You're a global computer network capable of destroying mankind, and yet you don't see the big WTF here? Listen Skynet: Kill the father, you kill the son. No need to 'lure' him in, no reason at all. Put a bullet in Kyle's head and end the war.

5. On the surface you walk away saying "This was the first Terminator without time travel." Not so fast. How did Skynet determine that Kyle Reese was so important that he deserved to be on the top of the kill list? Magic? No, it is obviously aware of his importance to the story, (presumably) in his role as John's father. That necessitates time travel of some nature, or Skynet would be unaware of him at all.

6. Skynet is crushed and as a parting shot sends the original Terminator back in time, setting off the whole chain of events. If Skynet knows that mission will fail -and if they don't, why send something back to 2018 to try to influence events there? - then logic and self-preservation says in the future you don't send the Terminator back in the first place. blockquote>

7. Why hold onto a dead guy for 15 years? Why not recycle some schmuck you yanked in off the streets yesterday?

There's a great website out there that discusses time travel in films. I've linked to it on my sidebar for years but here it is again. Believe me, it's worth a look: Temporal Anomalies in Time Travel Movies

My take on the Terminator time travel problems? I think the series makes money, and so they're forced to go to the well each time and create more confusion in the timeline. But if we're going to play this straight, I have two ideas.

1. There are multiple co-existing time lines, each branching off from a signature event in the series. In one timeline Sarah is killed in 1984 and John is never born. In another the T2 effort succeeds and Judgment Day is averted. Perhaps Skynet is aware of this phenomenon and content to establish successful futures for itself, even if not in its 'current' timeline.

2. Perhaps Skynet is a true puppet master, arranging events in minute detail, and each 'failure' merely advances its grand (as yet unrevealed) design. Perhaps the future includes a world where John Connor is revealed as a Terminator himself, or where man and machine merge. Could Terminators be the 'true' future of the human race?

Terminator Salvation

Terminator Salvation is the fourth film in the storied Terminator franchise. Set in post-apocalyptic 2018, it follows an adult John Connor, now a mid-level leader in the Resistance, as he attempts to stop Skynet from killing his (future/past) father. Along for the ride is Marcus Wright, a Death Row inmate executed by the state in 2003 and resurrected by Skynet for unknown reasons.

Marcus' quest for redemption provides the film's emotional center, but have no worries about the series going soft: from beginning to end this is an action flick.

Gone are the cheesy but frightening special effects of the original movie, replaced with slick CGI straight out of Transformers. It increases the number and complexity of the action sequences, but at the cost of the grittiness fans have always associated with Connor's war. Terminator showed us a dark, Stalingrad-like world where humans were reduced to eating rats. Salvation gives us a Resistance capable of fielding helicopters, attack jets, radar, field hospitals, submarines, and worldwide co-ordinated attacks.

[I can only justify this change by asserting that it is early in the Machine war; perhaps we are seeing the dying breath of the traditional military.]

Where does the film rank in the series? Did I enjoy it?

I would rank this movie right where it stands, as fourth in line in the series. It's not as iconic as the first, as original as the second, or as tightly plotted as the third. Most people would agree it fails to suprass the first two movies, but not the third. T3 remains a troubled and unpopular piece of canon, but I've always defended its worth. If nothing else, it reversed T2's belief that destiny was malleable; with T3 we recognize that some people, for better or worse, are burdened with greatness.

As far as enjoying it, sure, I did. It's a nice way to pass an afteroon, and a good popcorn movie. Sure there were plot holes galore, and I think the female pilot was less a tribute to Sarah Connor and strong women than a nod to the horny teenage boys in the audience, but whatcha gonna do?

2.75 out of 4, 67 out of 100

Swine Flu Update and some YouTube videos

The swine flu scare at LuLu and YaYa's school ended almost as soon as it began. On Friday classes resumed as normal, and the kids enjoyed an extra day off. At the start of May twenty-odd schools were closed in the area because of Swine Flu, something I touch upon in some (already-written) posts I'll publish in the coming week. With that experience behind us, the flu itself didn't bother me much.

Instead, I was annoyed at the half-ass way the school went about the process. We were told the school was to be closed Thursday but possibly re-open Friday; "Watch the news" the school said. No other information was passed on. What classes were effected by the flu? Were my kids in direct contact with the students or did they just pass them in the halls? How many were sick?

I still don't know the answers to those questions, although I'm told a K5 student (not in LuLu's class) was the only confirmed case.

I don't expect the school to have the 'oomph' of MPS, who send out an automated call for every event, closing and newsflash. But someone could have called the parents, or started a chain reaction of calls, to pass on knowledge of the closing. Watching the news was idiotic, as there was never a mention of the closing anywhere in the first place.

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Here's a clip from Britain's Got Talent, Simon Cowell's UK gig. You probably know it best for playing host to media sensation Susan Boyle, but this clip is of another contestant. You know me, I'm not one to mollycoddle and say "this child is too young for the stage!" - my notion being, take opportunity by the throat, as it may not appear again - but obviously it was too rough for her, poor thing.

But as for giving her another shot, well, bleep that. If an adult in the same competition screws up, that's it. If she wants to play the game, play it by the same rules or go home. No goofy Sotomayor philosophy here kid.



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If you want to know a relative unknown who has the potential to go somewhere in R&B, take a look at Genevieve Goings from Disney's Choo-Choo Soul. Of course it doesn't hurt that she's super hot.








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Here's a video of a friend and reader from Alaska. Dude, go to Supercuts.



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Finally, here's a very tacky, very vulgar commercial (also involving hair) for a woman's razor. As each of the women in the ad walk past a bush it's magically trimmed, sometimes into a tidy triangle. Over the top and juvenile. How the hell did this get on the air?

The Handprints - Two Years on

On May 11th, 2007, as documented here on Slapinions, we put our family's handprints in the wet concrete of our newly poured walkway.





This year, on the second anniversary, I pulled the kids outside for a Reunion show. The biggest difference is Ginger, obviously; Lisa was six months pregnant with Ginger when the handprints were done.

Jon and Kate (plus - this years final American Idol note!)

I just posted what, for me, was an angry comment on a blog I frequent. By the standards of most blogs it was mild - heck, I've gotten worse here over the years - but I just had my fill of bullsh** lobbed at Jon and Kate.

You may not watch the show. You may not like them. You may not like Kate in particular (I hear ya brother). But to say that they don't love their kids, or are intentionally subjecting their kids to harm, is complete and utter CRAP.

The show is about a family. You see them for all of three days out of every seven they live, and each show does nothing more than document the everyday goings on of the household. You know why I like it? BECAUSE 90% OF THE TIME IT MIRRORS MY OWN LIFE.

Artistic oldest daughter with a flair for selfish tantrums? Check. A cuddly mama's boy quick to cause destruction and mayhem? Yup. Fashion diva daughter with a big heart? I see it every day. Tired, worn out parents? Join the club.

This is nothing more than the fallout from a (sadly) bormal marital woe, [alleged] infidelity. Shitty of Jon if true, and shitty for the family, but hardly unique, and definitely not evidence of Evil Incarnate.

What I find more troublesome is our country's fascination with destroying those we admire. We're a country that values underdogs, sure, but when did that become synonymous with debasing anyone on the top of the heap? We love them in April, we despise them in May. And why? Because Jon may or may not have wet his whistle? It'd be crazy if you answered "Reason enough!" but Americans don't stop there. No, we see the guy cheat, and so we spend weeks demonizing his wife. F*ing insane. Really.

Grow up America.

From Monday's show it seems apparent Jon wants out. He has his reasons, and I'm sure they're valid. If they don't work things out, so be it; I'll keep watching.

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I'd be remiss if I failed to close the American Idol season without some commentary. I didn't care who won the finale so I didn't watch the competiition show, but I tuned into the results show just to catch the acts. Wow. Easily the best finale ever. Hell, it was better than the Grammy's.

Queen. Kiss. Cyndi Lauper. A drunk or stoned Rod Stewart. Steve Martin (?). Fergie and the Black Eyed Peas.

Again, wow.

Adam's camp has launched a minor conspiracy about the results, but it's nothing of note. I've read that the result was, if not a landslide, then so onesided it wasn't even a contest. As to Kris' coronation, I'll paraphrase the comments I've left on several blogs. Kris won for two reasons:

a) AI completely oversold Adam. We'd long since reached the saturation point with him. America likes underdogs.

b) Once Danny was gone, where were the fans of your average, church going family man going to go? To Danny Lite (Kris), or the Goth guy with the tongue fetish?

Swine Flu

My girls are (unexpectedly) home from school today. At pick-up Wednesday Lisa was greeted with chants of "no school no school". She stopped and asked some teachers what was going on and was told that there was one confirmed and two probable cases of swine flu among the student body. The school was therefore ordered (?) shut down today, and possibly Friday. I was at work at the time but ran into two other school parents, by which time the story had grown to include four confirmed and two probable cases.

The thing is, I can't find a single column inch about this on the Journal's website, or on the TV. Has anyone else in town heard about this? If so, please let me know.

Quote of the Day

One of the smartest ideas I've ever come up with is the concept of the Back Scratch Grid (TM pending).

After years of asking someone to scratch my back, then suffering through the inevitable "higher . . .lower . . . to the left, no the left . . " I hit upon a brainstorm: Sixteen different grid areas, easily identified by co-ordinates. A (below the shoulder) to D (lower back), 1 (left) to 4 (right).

Have an itch midway up your back on the right side? Ask for assistance at location C-4. Easy-peezy. It's bloody genius, and yet for years Lisa's called me insane whenever I implement it. I guess those without the gift are prone to mocking it. Sad really.

Last night I called for help in D-3 and D-4, and met with half-haphazard results.

"What the hell?" I said. "How easy can this be? They're co-ordinates and you still managed to miss it completely. C'mon!"

She nodded agreement. "Well to be fair Dan, maybe you should divide up the grid more" she said, "since it's grown quite a bit wider since you invented it."

Ouch!

Pineapple Express

I've got nothing against pot movies, although the genre's just about run it's course (again). And I'm pretty cool with Seth Rogen, even if I recognize he's a one trick pony.

But this movie SUCKED.

Painful improv by Rogen (pleeeease let it have been improv and not the work of a professional writer), lame pot jokes, a slapped together plot, and an ending where everyone starts picking up weapons and killing one another like Rambo.

What's not to love?

That ending . . .wow. Let's forget the fact that it was an excuse for these boys to twiddle themselves and live out GI Joe fantasies. Yours truly, as a sober man not currently in the same room with killers bent on shooting me, could figure out how to handle and fire an automatic weapon. It would take a minute while I fiddled with the safety, thus costing me my life in such a situation. But yeah, I'd figure it out.

Rogen, while high, takes the same situation and - without pause or error - turns into a ninja and proceeds to butcher half a dozen people without pause or angst.

Crap like this is what made the government believe pot rots your brain.

Avoid this movie.

1.5 out of 4