"The Landlord" by Will Ferrell - "You Pay Now . . B**ch!"

Click HERE to watch the sketch on Funny or Die. Adult language is involved. Duh. :)



Will Ferrell and Adam McKay are hanging out at Will Ferrell’s house. Adam McKay is reading an issue of Vogue Magazine and Will Ferrell is rummaging in the refrigerator for something to drink.Adam McKay: So, it says here that Madonna is reinventing herself again. Hey, did you get that letter from the doctor yet?Will Ferrell: I did.Adam McKay: What did it say?Will Ferrell: My dad’s gay.Adam McKay: I knew it. Those blood tests don’t lie man.Will Ferrell shakes his head in agreement. There is a knock at the door.Adam McKay: Who’s that?The screen goes black and white text reading “the LANDLORD” is displayed. Will Ferrell can be heard speaking.Will Ferrell: It’s my landlord, Pearl.The image returns to Adam McKay. There is another knock on the doorWill Ferrell: I’m late on my rent.Adam McKay: Oh, I’m getting out of here, man. She’s nasty.Will Ferrell: No, no, no, please, I need you to stay.Will Ferrell goes to answer the door.Adam McKay: This is going to be ugly.Will Ferrell opens the door to reveal a very small girl that is only a few years old. She yells at Will Ferrell.Pearl McKay: Where’s the rent?Will Ferrell: You don’t have to raise your voice.Pearl McKay: You pay now!Will Ferrell: I can give you half.Pearl McKay: You pay…now, bitch!Will Ferrell: Hey, don’t talk to me like that, okay.Pearl McKay: I’m tired of this crap.Will Ferrell: Look, I…I thought I was clear in my email, I need a couple weeks.Pearl McKay: I work too hard…Will Ferrell: Can I just get two more weeks?Pearl McKay: I want my money!Will Ferrell: You need to relax.Pearl McKay: You’re an asshole.Will Ferrell: Uh-uh! (Shakes his head in the negative.)Pearl McKay: I want my money, bitch.Will Ferrell: Hey don’t call me bitch! I’m a grown man!Pearl McKay: Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch.Will Ferrell: God, you’re mean.Will Ferrell starts crying and Pearl McKay begins laughing at him.Will Ferrell: Hey, don’t make fun of me crying.Pearl McKay: You’ll be evicted.Will Ferrell: I’m not doing so good, Pearl.Pearl McKay: I put you on the streets.Will Ferrell: Pearl, I’m gonna pay you. I’m working three jobs right now. I’m working nights. I’m driving a cab. I’m inside with my buddy right now, just going over my resume.Pearl McKay: I’m gonna smack you.Will Ferrell: Okay, you know what? You need to relax.Pearl McKay: I want my money!!!Will Ferrell: Look, why do you need your money so fast? Come on.Pearl McKay: I need to get my drink on.Will Ferrell: You scare me. You’re an alcoholic.Pearl McKay: Can I have 4 beers?Will Ferrell: Seriously, you are an alcoholic.Pearl McKay falls down on the front step.Will Ferrell: Yeah you’re drunk. I knew it. You’re already drunk.Pearl McKay: I’m just buzzed.Will Ferrell: You know, you’re in…you’re in no condition to deal with this right now.Pearl McKay starts to walk away and a bottle of beer is in her hand.Pearl McKay: I’m taking my beer.Will Ferrell: Just take your beer and get out of here, okay. Yeah, we’ll talk tomorrow. This isn’t over.Pearl McKay: (Looks back at Will Ferrell) Come, mommy.Will Ferrell: Jesus.Will Ferrell closes his door fearfully and the screen cuts to black.

Not her favorite thing

So sick of the sound of sports on my tv....lol And people wonder why we don't do video games?? - Lisa

Slapjacks falls to 1-1 in Fantasy Football

I don't know if you can make out the scores below - click on the image to enlarge and clarify it - but all you really need to see is the big fat zero by Antonio Bryant. He sat with an injury but I didn't notice and replace him in my lineup. So despite a 25.6 pt game from Miami's Ronnie Brown, I lost by just under four points. D'oh.

That drops me to 1-1. I don't want to drop in the hole, so I'll have to regroup and pay close attention this weekend.

The Nanny

I'd just like to take this opportunity to recognize what may be the least-acknowledged, laugh-out-loud sitcom of the last twenty years: The Nanny.

I honestly don't feel the need to explore the reasons behind my affection for this sitcom, but let's try the shorthand version.

* a strong ensemble cast with great chemistry and a penchant for physical comedy
* a series of dependable running gags that never failed to produce a laugh
* well written (if fantastical) scripts
* and , uh, yeah - Ms. Drescher.

Yum. Yum. Yum.

Anywho, one other thing I loved about the show: the theme song succicently set up the premise for the show, ala The Brady Bunch and Giligan's Island.




Catch The Nanny on Nick at Nite. Check your local listings for times.

Just Stuff

Criminy, it's been a busy few days.



* I knocked out a ghost story called A Shadow of a Distant Life for a local suburb's writing contest. Grand prize: publication in a book that'll be available for rent in their library system and a public reading. Not exactly a game-changer, but it felt damn good to devote some time to fiction, regardless of the contest's outcome.



* As money is super-tight, we've started to actively chip away at clearance sales and whatnot to get Christmas under control. I was about to detail some of the deals, but YaYa sometimes reads this, so . . . ixnay.



* We ran out of gas in the van and had to push it a good block and a half on a busy street. Not a pleasant experience, that. When we got to the actual filling station the slope was proving too much, but a Good Samaritan came and helped me get it over the (literal) hump. A moment later a woman, noticing our problem, moved her car so as to allow us easier access to a pump. I thanked both of them in the little Spanish I know and said a well deserved prayer of thanks for both of them.



* Good riddance to Johnny Sakalis on Project Runway. Not only a hack, but a liar too. BTW, they should dump Nina Garcia and keep Marie Claire's Zoe Glassner. I'll be damned if I can find a decent picture of her on the web, but every time she appears on screen I gasp and say "omg she's cute!". I mean *every* time, something that has worn a little thin on Lisa's nerves (imagine that).

* LuLu has been plagued with a deep cough and unproductive sleep for some time, and we've had a handful of doctor visits about it in the last month. Long story short, she's been diagnosed with asthma, which runs on both sides of the family, and several bad allergies.

After further testing, she has been determined to be allergic to: tree pollen (slightly), mosquito bites, ragweed (slightly), dust mites (incredibly so), shellfish (there's a relationship to dust mites there I'm told), and cats (highly).

We've put a allergy cover on both her mattress and pillows, banned the cats from her room, and put our large HEPA air filter near her door. We're not going to molley-coddle this, and she WILL be doing everything she would be doing otherwise, but our heart does go out to her.

The good news? The doc thinks that once her allergies improve so will her sleep, and her grumpiness.

* I ran into the daughter of the founder of Mazo's, an iconic hamburger stand on the south side that's been in business since before WWII. I suggested they add the ability to add credit card payments. How practical, I said, is a cash-only business in this day and age? She actually seemed to consider it and pronounced it a smart idea. We'll see if it's implemented.

* Smiley had an eye appointment, and not only came away with "perfect eyes" but pronounced each word to the doctor so clearly it made Lisa tear up. :)

* I spoke with someone who attended the 10,000 strong Tea Rally held yesterday in Milwaukee. I was working, but from what she said it was a hell of a good time and guest speaker Michelle Malkin rocked it. (you can ck out Malkin's blog on my sidebar).

On Race and Opposition to Obama

Even when it comes to blogging, Jimmy Carter somehow finds a way to screw things up.

I just completed reading a trio of books on Carter - a newly published work, his presidential autobiography, and a '76 biography. I would have liked the opportunity to discuss them here without having to muddy the waters with current events. Instead, Carter sounds off, gets some national facetime, and worms his way into Slapinions through a side door.

Thanks Jimmy.

Just in case you've been encased in Carbonite for the last week, Carter claims that much of the criticism of President Obama is due to the color of his skin. I don't know the inner working of Carter's mind. Maybe he believes that story. Maybe not.*

It's not that his was such an original statement. Oh, the things that have been said online on this subject, not to mention at the water cooler! Boiled down and simplified, it sounds something like this: if you strongly disagree with Obama, especially if you take action to show that disapproval, then there's a chance that you are acting out of an unspoken or (at least) subconscious reaction to the color of his skin. Hell, if you listen to some of the Far Left, there's no 'chance' - you ARE acting out of racial bias.

Hmm. With respect to those who sincerely believe this . . .schtuff, I call bullshit.

Are there cuckoos out there that are walking advertisements for Birth of a Nation? Sure there are. Idiots abound in a world of nearly seven billion, and if you get together a group of 100 people - much less millions - you're going to get some.

A fringe minority does not discredit the ideas and beliefs of millions of concerned American citizens. And frankly, saying it's true but that it "isn't everyone on the right" is insulting. It's implying that 'you' are the rare good apple and impugning those who stand with you. (and you'll always assume it's you, because who wants to be thought of as the racist in that comparison?).

You'll hear a lot of the Left reference the freaks who get all the media play. But I wonder how it would be if the show was on the other foot? Do the same type of nutters speak for the Left?

I watched (and laughed along with) a video taken by a conservative who went 'undercover' at a pro-Health Care Reform rally. Among the crowd there was every conceivable liberal stereotype: the hippie who lived in a commune and didn't 'believe' in property, the radical, and the leech who lived off the system and had no intention of ever changing her ways. Funny as hell, but not even worth a repost, because it was obviously skewed to show *only* the Funny Farm rejects.

But if I wanted to , what lesson could I extrapolate from that piece of selective reporting? Hmm. Let me see. How about: everyone who backs Obama is a drug addled welfare recipient that advocates the use of violence to save a tree.

Stupid right? A damn ignorant thing to say? Then why is it okay to slap labels on the Right?

Somewhere in America, right this very moment, there is an act of racism at play. Perhaps its white on black, or black on white, or Hmong on Arab, but it's happening. Scream to the heavens at the injustice of that, and I'll join your cry. But this?

This is about creating a distraction in order to explain an administration mired in legislative setbacks. This is about ridiculous claims, like a member of the Congressional Black Caucus saying

"I guess we'll probably have folks putting on white hoods and white uniforms again and riding through the countryside intimidating people. ... That's the logical conclusion if this kind of attitude is not rebuked"

and still having a job. This is about coming to grips with the fact that the man you view as a hero, one destined to change the world, is simply human after all.

What I say doesn't matter much in this world. In the end, we can only speak for ourselves and our own actions. I'm not going to judge our President by his color, but neither will I ever again devote so much as a paragraph to defending myself from such hateful generalizations. I will continue to speak out, with increasing volume if need be, in opposition to any plan I feel is against the spirit or well-being of this country.

If you feel the need to call me names for doing so, well, that's on you.


** * * *** * * * *



* Either way, IMO he wasn't there to express his own opinion so much as to act as the designated 'hammer' for his party. He has sufficient national presence to go out there, throw himself on a sword, and say what needs to be said (good or bad) to jump start a media debate. Following that the President can step in and say he respectfully disagrees, thereby distancing himself from the fray while reaping the results. Politically, it's not a bad way of conducting business.

AIC

Just back from Alice in Chains @ the Eagles Ballroom. Kickass.

Vantage Point

A star studded cast, an intriguing premise and a hell of a trailer - the latter is what worried me, as it usually means you've seen the best three minutes of the movie before you even buy a ticket.

Not so in this case. Vantage Point tells the story of a Presidential assassination attempt told from multiple, often redundant points of view.

The good to great? The concept was interesting and the plot took twists and turns to keep you watching. The acting - barring Forrest Whitaker's surprisingly awkward performance - was top notch, and the action consistent.

Downside? The Evil plan rivaled Oceans Eleven in complexity, which seems awfully risky when each twist triples the chance of the US knocking you on your ass. But, maybe they read the script and knew that Hollywood would take this opportunity to preach love and international sympathy in place of a proper smackdown - right before the terrorists then interrupt the love fest to murder everyone.

By the way that chase scene . . . well, that should have been cut. What absolute, silly Hollywood fodder. But at least it was worth a laugh :)

A fun ride and I'm glad I rented it. 3.0 out of 4.

Happy Birthday Chrissy!

Oh, there's lots to talk about, but so little time in the day. Before I lose track of things, I wanted to pop on here and wish my youngest sister a very Happy Birthday!

The Wisdom of Hagar The Horrible

Hagar the Horrible by Chris Browne 9/5/09

Hamlet: Dad, why can't people just get along?

Hagar: It's very simple my son . . . sometimes people annoy other people.