The (Mandatory) Post about New Years Resolutions NYE 2004

In the thirty years I've spent on this planet, I can't think of a single New Years resolution I've kept. Whoa, scratch that. From age fourteen on I included "lose my virginity" on each list.

Thank God I got that out of the way last year.

So I thought this year I'd make my self-improvement list public to lend it a little moral authority. You know, give it a little oompah that it's been lacking. I therefore present:

Slapinions Rambling List of Likely Unattainable but certainly Doable New Years Resolutions (Had I Only a Smidgen of Ambition And Personal Will Power) 2005 Edition.

I will lose weight by exercising more and practicing self-control of my eating habits. I will go to the gym on a regular basis. I will also quit smoking.

I'm lumping those together so that when I fail it'll only count as one mark against me.

Despite all my inherent masculine distaste at the idea, I will learn to braid my daughter's hair.

Because on the rare mornings her appearance is my responsibility, my daughter goes to kindergarten looking like Gene Wilder.

I will figure out how to transfer my home videos to DVD's using my computer

Which, after all, was the whole reason I spent the extra $500 on the thing in the first place.

I will attend church more often

I did much better this year, but working third shift doesn’t make it easy come Sunday morning and the guilt is piling up.

I will not falter in my assertion that the Godfather is a thousand times better than Scarface

Mark this one as done. It's not even a contest.

Again swallowing my masculine genetic predisposition, I will help my wife catch up on our children's scrapbooks.

Disturbingly enough, I actually enjoy doing this.

I will no longer invest hope, excitement, or expectations in my Milwaukee Brewers

Which is something I should have done ten years ago.

I will no longer childishly try to spoil my wife's orgasms by whispering "Richard Nixon" at that 'special' time

Frankly, this should never have been an issue.

I will make every effort to secure publication of my writing, and will accept rejection with renewed determination

It's sad when your only published work is a twenty-year old letter in Boy's Life

I will read a hundred books.

Been saying that for years, but have never cracked ninety.

I will take the extra time to relearn my parenting skills to benefit my son.

Because after two daughters, the whole 'penis' thing makes me feel like my wife's giving birth to a Martian.

I will make at least a piddling attempt to renew my acquaintance with the guitar

I was never any good, but I enjoyed it. And it would impress my daughters.

 I will not lose any more teeth in the coming year

Let's just let that sleeping dog lie, shall we?

I will attend an out-of-state baseball game with my Dad

I will make some effort at mental improvement

Ideally I'd like to learn Polish or Latin, but I'd settle for remembering half the phone numbers in my cell.

I will successfully find a better paying, safer, more challenging day job.

Not just because the one I have now pays poorly and is eventually going to get me killed, but because I really am capable of better. Plus working nights is hell on my tan.

Will I succeed? I'll fill you in with an update next year. 'Til then -

Happy New Year everyone!

Artie Shaw Dead at 94

Artie shaw, an extraordinary clarinetist from the Big Band era, died yesterday at the age of 94. My personal favorite among the jazz greats, Shaw had a long and adventurous life. He will be dearly missed.

The Post about Father Frank Yaniak Dec 30th

I woke up this morning to the news that Father Frank Yaniak had passed away Christmas Eve.

That this shocked me was more surprising than the news itself. He was eighty years old and in declining health for years. It was only a matter of time.

But I couldn't imagine it happening.

Fr. Yaniak was a short, stern faced man with a no-nonsense manner. He wasn't the kind of priest you see advertised today, not when the Church is struggling to restore its tarnished image with kinder, more accepting clergy. In the years I attended his parish there was no holding hands during the Lord's prayer, no showy outpouring of "Amen!" by the congregation, and certainly no new-age philosophy to be had.

But there was another side of Fr. Yaniak, one I had the pleasure of being introduced to the year of my marriage.

Our first attempt to get married was quickly - and rudely - rejected by a priest, allegedly because my wife was Lutheran, but more likely because of our ages (my wife had only just turned nineteen). The chances of finding a Catholic church to marry us appeared slim, and I have no idea why it ever seemed like a smart idea to approach the strictest priest I knew.

But it was.

Mind you, he never wavered on his principles. Because we were living together he had us move up the wedding an entire year. When we argued that we could stay (cough) celibate if it meant an extra year to save up money, he smiled and said "you will never convince me that such a thing is possible with a young couple like you."

Over the next few months we grew to enjoy his company. He was a well-read man that could speak Latin, Greek, and Polish, yet his home was strewn with mystery novels. In an age of Surgeon Generals warnings he was never without a cigar, and he proudly boasted that when he moved in he'd replaced every no-smoking sign with an ashtray.

And in a time when - spoken or not - everyone doubted the wisdom of our wedding, Fr. Yaniak never once gave the impression of anything but absolute faith in our future. Nor did he ever single out my wife's religion, quickly and smoothly suggesting accommodations for a service where half the congregation was Lutheran.

At our wedding, after he spoke a Polish blessing, we re-enacted a German tradition where the groom kneels on the bride's dress and she stands and steps on his shoe to reassert her independence. My wife's actions were not believable to Father. He made her do it again, and she stomped on my foot with gusto. "Now we know who'll wear the pants in the family," he told the audience.

We were the last couple he ever married.

Five years later I asked him to come out of retirement for my first child's baptism. He was shockingly frail, but happily performed the ceremony. At the end he addressed our family.

"There's an old joke I used to tell at the end of these things. See you the same time next year. I don’t think I'll get that chance, but all the best to you."

He was wrong. He lived three more years, long enough to get one last Christmas card from a family that will soon include three children. My oldest, on whose bed his baptismal gift of a religious medal still hangs, came to the funeral with us and said a prayer over his casket.

Rest in peace Frank Yaniak. We'll miss you.

 

 

The Post about the Tsunami December 30th

I'm not sure which is more revolting: the earthquake and tsunamis that have devastated Asia, or the political bickering that has risen up around it.

Sri Lanka has refused aid from Israel, citing the presence of military personnel in their offer. Which translates to: we'd rather have our people die than overcome our religious prejudice.

Meanwhile the Vatican failed to get this memo and criticized Israel for failing to act. Take this as honest criticism guys - I am after all, a staunch Catholic - but try to keep up with current events, ok? SEE UPDATE BELOW

Then our press ripped into President Bush for failing to get in front of a camera and express his sorrow. Try to explain this one to me. Last I checked, it's not going to do one bit of good for the people in Asia.

Of course, our friend the UN hinted that the US was stingy with its aid. Ironic, coming from an organization whose budget is a tenth of the amount Americans donate to charity each year.

And last but not least, some of my colleagues on the left have written comparing the destruction in Asia to the events of September 11th. They conclude that it makes 9/11 insignificant.

In terms of lives lost and destruction to property, I certainly agree. It's impossible to argue otherwise. Just as of this writing - with thousands missing and thousands more doomed to die of disease - the death toll trumps 9/11 twenty times over.

I write the next words with care, because in no way do I mean to minimize a single life that's been lost this week.

But in the course of history, 9/11 will be remembered long after the tsunami is a mere footnote.

As awful as they are, natural disasters happen. They occur randomly, without prejudice and no nation is immune. From the Galveston hurricane of the early 20th century to the earthquake in Iran last year, mankind lives at the mercy of the planet it inhabits.

In contrast, the events of 9/11 were not haphazard acts of nature. They were careful, deliberate acts of malice, the work of one group seeking to destroy another and willing to kill innocent strangers to do so.

Would I rather have had a hypothetical family member in New York on that awful day, as opposed to one of the countries hit this week? Without question. Most of those who worked in the World Trade Center had an opportunity to escape, and provided you were not employed in rescue services (or simply worked at the Empire State Building as opposed to the Towers) you were safe.

That's not the point.

Like Pearl Harbor, which was far less bloody than a score of less influential battles, the human cost of the event belays its importance to the future. September 11thmarked the starting point of a new era in terrorism and the beginning of a global conflict. It initiated a new era in federal powers and responsibilities, opened the door to a controversial doctrine of pre-emptive attack, and challenged the power and future of the United Nations as a legitimate force in the world.

And that's only the effect that we've felt after three years. Who knows how deep an impact it will make over the course of the next twenty-five.

Mourn for the victims of the tsunami, do all you can to aid the survivors, and say a prayer thanking God you weren't there. But there's nothing we can do to stop it from happening again.

Let's hope the same can't be said for 9/11.

Click here to help

UPDATE:

CWN Corrects Mistranslated Vatican Article

Catholic World News has issued a correction for their mistranslation of a Vatican newspaper article, making it clear that the Vatican was criticizing Sri Lanka for not accepting Israel’s help:

Vatican, Dec. 30 (CWNews.com) - The following is a corrected version of a story that appeared on CWNews.com earlier this week, in which a crucial error in translation caused a serious misinterpretation of the news. CWNews apologizes for the error.

Vatican, Dec. 28 (CWNews.com) - The Vatican newspaper has denounced a decision by Sri Lanka to reject emergency aid offered by the Israeli government. Sri Lanka declined the Israeli aid because it would have been furnished by a military team.

Calling for “a radical and dramatic change of perspective” among people “too often preoccupied with making war,” L’Osservatore Romano chastised the government of the stricken Asian nation for putting unnecessary restrictions on an Israeli offer to furnish medical help.

Hat tip to Little Green Footballs for the update.

Dare to Dream - a link to Slapinions on another site??

I know my friend at OftenCold has linked me, but just for kicks I did a google search and found this at a site called NIF = News-Interesting-Funny.

A link to my post on Time's Person of the Year is halfway down the page under "interesting". Well, hot dog.

Check it out, and roam the site a bit as a way of saying 'thank you'. If you comment, be sure to tell 'em Slapinions sent ya.

Why you shouldn't put your password on a public computer

This is funny, and having worked at a public library, I can see it happening. Enjoy.

Hat tip to Tre

Session Start (Yahoo! -
While reading this, keep in mind that I'm not Josh.
But it sure was fun to pretend to be Josh...
whoever he was, he's fucked now.

dys4iK:sweet_thang_for_u_2002): Thu May 30 18:38:11 2002
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: hey hey hey
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: sup josh
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: hey did u ever call tracy?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: our grad. practice is thur right?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: hey u there?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh???
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u called tracy right
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: y u ignoring me???????
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i'm ur girlfriend!!!!!!!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: talk to me
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: look
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i dont know what ur deal has been lately
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i mean come on josh
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: we were prom queen adn king and this is how u act!!!!!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: fine whatever
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ignore me
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: fine
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: see if i care
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok what the fuck!!!!!!!!!
dys4iK: bot.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: r u gonna talk to me or not
Session Close (sweet_thang_for_u_2002): Thu May 30 18:40:27 2002


Session Start (Yahoo! - dys4iK:sweet_thang_for_u_2002): Thu May 30 18:40:28 2002
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: bot???
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: huh?
dys4iK: I have no clue who the hell you are,
dys4iK: but this sure is interesting,.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh!!!
dys4iK: you're josh?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what is wrong with u
dys4iK: I thought I was supposed to be josh.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what is ur deal
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: r u drunk
dys4iK: I think you should go find the right Josh.
dys4iK: I wish I was drunk...
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: whatever
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i know its u
dys4iK: haha.
dys4iK: ok.
dys4iK: how'd you find me?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u r goin to grad. tomorrow right
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur on my list
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: duh!!!!!!!!!!
dys4iK: I'm not going anywhere tommorow night.
dys4iK: I spend my days sitting at my computer,
dys4iK: jerking off to weird porn.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: whatever
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: y r u adcting like this
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: jsoh what is wrong with u??
dys4iK: 'cause i'm in hard drugs.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u told me u never did drugs
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u said u quit
dys4iK: I lied.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: so u were lying?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what??????????
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: omg
dys4iK: in fact,
dys4iK: I could be on drugs,
dys4iK: _right now)_
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: !!!!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: y do u always pull this shit
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur goin off to osu next year
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: and ur doin drugs
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what is ur deal
dys4iK: yep.
dys4iK: drugs and college.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: omg
dys4iK: hoo-rah.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i cant beleive that
dys4iK: yep
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: did u ever call tracy
dys4iK: I've gotta go fuck my sister now.
dys4iK: back in a bit.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: and explaoin to her ur stayin with me
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what!!!!!!!!!!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur sister is only 8
dys4iK: oh, hey, right.
dys4iK: ok.
dys4iK: my cousin, then.
dys4iK: how old are my cousins?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh u know how old ur cousins are
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: dont be stupid
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: r u high?
dys4iK: I can' help it,
dys4iK: it's the drugs.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what is ur deal josh
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: god
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok
dys4iK: my deal?
dys4iK: ten bucks an hour.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: we can get through this
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: jsut call me
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: did u call tracy
dys4iK: who's tracy?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: tracy randlof
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: remember
dys4iK: sure.
dys4iK: she was a nice lay.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u were gonna tell her u wer datin me
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what!!!!!!!!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u slept with here
dys4iK: of course.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u told me u didnt
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: omg
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: (
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh i'm crying b/c of u
dys4iK: her and some other girl.
dys4iK: it was fun!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: JOSH
dys4iK: and some guy.
dys4iK: I think.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: WHAT IS WROGN WITH U
dys4iK: I can't really remember.
dys4iK: the world was funny colours at the time.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: OH SO NOW UR GAY
dys4iK: no, not gay.
dys4iK: not yet.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: WHEN DID ALL THIS HAPPEN
dys4iK: but if you keep this up, maybe.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: DONT EVEN SAY PROM NIGHT
dys4iK: it happened tommorow!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: TOMORROW???
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what?
dys4iK: yeah.
dys4iK: tommorow.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ummmmm
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh
dys4iK: yeah?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i'm gonna come over ok
dys4iK: over to canada?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: canada??
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what are u talin about
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: talkin*
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u dont seem to good
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: im comin over
dys4iK: I already told you I'm not josh.
dys4iK: but you seem to believe I am,
dys4iK: so I'm playing the part.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: whatever
dys4iK: but, I can't play it in person.
dys4iK: sorry.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i'm gonna break up with u
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: we are over
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: 9 months of nothing
dys4iK: yep.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i know its u cuz of the name
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i'm not stupid
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: god
dys4iK: yeah.
dys4iK: such a stupid name.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: well i'm on my way over
dys4iK: ok.
dys4iK: see you in a few days.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: we can have break up sex
dys4iK: hoo-rah.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: tehn i'm leaving
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: for good
dys4iK: yay.
dys4iK: you promise to neve rphone?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i cant beleive u slept with tracy
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur supposed to be mad
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: and begging me to stay
dys4iK: why would I be mad?
dys4iK: oh, sorry.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: b/c i'm leaving u
dys4iK: please don't leave me!
dys4iK: please stay!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ugh
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: whatever
dys4iK: wahhhh!
dys4iK: *cries*
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: uknow what
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: forget
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: it
dys4iK: ok!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i'm not comin over
dys4iK: gladly!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: screw u
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: dont talk to me ever again
dys4iK: you don't want to get into the threesome?
dys4iK: hey, speaking of which,
dys4iK: I should get back to sex.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ugh
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: who is there
dys4iK: tracy.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: .............
dys4iK: .................!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: (
dys4iK: come on.
dys4iK: you enjoyed it too.
dys4iK: I know about you two.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what!!!!!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ummmmm
dys4iK: when you got drunk?
dys4iK: at some party.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i dont know what ur talkin about
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: .................
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: well
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: that was a long time ago
dys4iK: there you go.
dys4iK: see?
dys4iK: it was fun.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i was drunk josh
dys4iK: deal with it.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: so what if it was
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: that was a ont time thing
dys4iK: I can't fix all your female, hyper-inflated ego disorders.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what has gotten itno u
dys4iK: I told you!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i cant beleive this!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dys4iK: drugs.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: (
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i'm tellin ur parents
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u need help
dys4iK: when I figure out who you are...
dys4iK: haha.
dys4iK: ok.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: who I am!!!!
dys4iK: except, my mom is shooting up in the bathroom,
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: wat do u mean by that
dys4iK: and dad is drunk with some other woman.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ummm, she is at my house
dys4iK: she is?
dys4iK: since when?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: and ur dad and my dad are out of town on a business trip
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: so what are u talkin about
dys4iK: hey, whoa.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: she has been here all da
dys4iK: our dads are fucking?
dys4iK: when did that start?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: whatever
dys4iK: that's pretty crazy.
dys4iK: think they'd let us join in?
dys4iK: with tracy, too?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ???????????
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u sick bastard
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: god
dys4iK: haha.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u r soooooooooooooo immature
dys4iK: I'm immature?
dys4iK: yes, I suppose I am.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i cant beleive i wasted 9 months with u
dys4iK: neither can I.
dys4iK: you fell for me like a brick in water.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dys4iK: that was funny.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: X-(
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: no u fell for me
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u begged me to get with u
dys4iK: haha.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i turned u down 3 times
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: remember
dys4iK: yeah. tracy told me to keep asking, though.
dys4iK: she thought if I got you to go out with me,
dys4iK: we could have a threesome.
dys4iK: or something.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: lol
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: whatever
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u wisj
dys4iK: pretty clever, eh?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u know now that i think about it
dys4iK: wasn't my idea.
dys4iK: she was the one who wanted you.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i only liked u b/c of ur car
dys4iK: I have a car?
dys4iK: cool!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ummmm yeah
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur spider eclipse
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: thas y i dated u
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: not cuz of the looks
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: although u do look godd
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: good
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur nothin w/o me
dys4iK: hey, yeah?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: and u know it
dys4iK: what are you, then?
dys4iK: cheesecake!
dys4iK: haha!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: huh?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: cheescake?
dys4iK: yeah.
dys4iK: you're a cheesecake.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: how?
dys4iK: now that everyone's seen pictures of you naked.
dys4iK: heh heh.
dys4iK: but hey, you made some lonely geeks happy for a night.,
dys4iK: =)
dys4iK: it was kind of you.
Session Close (sweet_thang_for_u_2002): Thu May 30 18:57:45 2002


Session Start (Yahoo! - dys4iK:sweet_thang_for_u_2002): Thu May 30 19:03:41 2002
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: keep what going
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: our relationship
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: yeah right
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: dream on
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: we're over
dys4iK: hey, you're back.
dys4iK: hi again!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: y r u makin a joke out of this???????
dys4iK: because i have no idea who you are!
dys4iK: but this sure is fun.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: prove it to me that ur not josh
dys4iK: how about you prove that I _am_ josh!
dys4iK: =)
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what was our prom theme
dys4iK: uh.
dys4iK: underwater?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: omg
dys4iK: or that may have been the drugs. =D
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i told u ur josh
dys4iK: oh, right.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what do i look like
dys4iK: yeah.
dys4iK: uh.
dys4iK: fat, ugly.
dys4iK: lot of acne down your back.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ummm wrong
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: wrong
dys4iK: blue hair.
dys4iK: purple eyes!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ????
dys4iK: you have this weird bump on your back,
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: am i a cheerelader
dys4iK: but noone will tell you.
dys4iK: a cheerleader? hey, coo..
dys4iK: cool.
dys4iK: i dated a cheerleader!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i know
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: cuz u dated me
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dys4iK: duhh!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: lol
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: there's teh old josh
dys4iK: whatever!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: aw
dys4iK: you're so funny.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i knew it was u baby
dys4iK: whatever! duhhhh!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: awwww
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh lets not break up
dys4iK: you're pretty thick, aren't you?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: lol
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh u r the best i've ever had if u know what i eman
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i dont wanna loose u
dys4iK: you should smoke some crack with me tonight.
dys4iK: come over right now.
dys4iK: let's smoke some crack.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: the way u touch me
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i dont want to loose u
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: lets not break up
dys4iK: yeah. your skin is sort of clammy, though.
dys4iK: what, with being a vampire, and all.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ??????????
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i'm not clammhy
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i use pure silk lotion from batha and body
dys4iK: Sammy the Clam!
dys4iK: pure silk lotion?
dys4iK: doesn't silk come out of the ass of worms?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ???????????????
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i dont know
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: jsoh
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i want u so bad right now
dys4iK: so finger yourself, or something.
dys4iK: I'm not sticking myself back in there.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i alreadly am
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: wahtever
Session Close (sweet_thang_for_u_2002): Thu May 30 19:10:20 2002

Session Start (Yahoo! - dys4iK:sweet_thang_for_u_2002): Thu May 30 19:10:24 2002
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u know u want this
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i'll wear my cheerleading outfit for you
dys4iK: ew.
dys4iK: I hate cheerleaders.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: no u dont silly
dys4iK: will you wear a strapon?
dys4iK: and fuck me in the ass?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: the way i can straddle u
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u luv it
dys4iK: hey, will you let my dog fuck you?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ummmmmmmm
dys4iK: do it!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: when did u get a dog
dys4iK: you can smoke crack first.
dys4iK: I'll get a dog!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: no
dys4iK: so it can fuck you.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: NO
dys4iK: and I'll videotape it.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i wanna video tape u and me
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i want u
dys4iK: I want me, too.
dys4iK: but I'm with tracy now!
dys4iK: sorry!
Session Close (sweet_thang_for_u_2002): Thu May 30 19:12:29 2002


Session Start (Yahoo! -dys4iK:sweet_thang_for_u_2002): Thu May 30 19:12:32 2002
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u mean u want me
dys4iK: I'm madly in love with you.
dys4iK: the drugs are fucking with my head.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: awwwwwwwww
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh
dys4iK: I don't know what i'm doing anymore.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i love you too
dys4iK: marry me?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: awwww
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: its ok baby
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u want to marry me
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh
dys4iK: I was lying about tracy!
dys4iK: I just wanted to make you feel jealous!
dys4iK: seriously!~
Session Close (sweet_thang_for_u_2002): Thu May 30 19:13:28 2002


Session Start (Yahoo! - dys4iK:sweet_thang_for_u_2002): Thu May 30 19:13:33 2002
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: we just grad
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: awwwww
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: really
dys4iK: no.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: awwwwww
dys4iK: i was lying again.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ?????
dys4iK: 'cause it's funny to watch you awwwww at me.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh
dys4iK: yeah?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: do u really luv me
dys4iK: I need more drugs.
dys4iK: I love drugs.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: no jsoh no
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: no
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u luv me
dys4iK: I love drugs!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: no josh
dys4iK: I need a dimebag of hash to go with this.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: quit sayin that
dys4iK: and I'm running low on needles.
dys4iK: gotta start reusing needles.
dys4iK: damnit!
dys4iK: fucking hell.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh
dys4iK: oh well.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: stop
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: quit
dys4iK: I'll microwave them.
dys4iK: stop what?
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur actin weird
dys4iK: I'm jonesing.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: huh
dys4iK: I gotta go fix myself up.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what does that mean
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh
dys4iK: coming down.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i got my nipples pierced today
dys4iK: hey, me too!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: really!!!!!!!!!
dys4iK: no.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i did i t jes for u
dys4iK: why? you're supposed to hate me, bitch.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: so u can play with them
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i dont hate u
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i luve u
dys4iK: you keep telling me you do!
dys4iK: stop the lying!
dys4iK: oh god, I can't take it anymore!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: well i an forgive u
dys4iK: fucking hell!
dys4iK: I should just oD.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: nooooooooo
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh wait
dys4iK: it'd be fun.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i'm coming over right now
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok
dys4iK: go for it.
dys4iK: you know where I live.
dys4iK: (I don't.)
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok i'll be over in 20 min
dys4iK: ok!
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok baby
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i
dys4iK: I'll be waiting.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i'm coming
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i love u
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ...............
dys4iK: .........................
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: say it to me josh
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: please
dys4iK: I'll go get the strapon.
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i'm on my way over now
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: bye babe
sweet_thang_for_u_2002: c u soon
dys4iK: bye!
Session Close (sweet_thang_for_u_2002): Thu May 30 19:17:53 2002

The Post about NKOTB December 28th

As the veteran of nearly a decade of marriage, I know that honesty is the cornerstone of a good relationship, and a smooth lie the bedrock of a happy one.

In the same vein, my relationship with my readers has been a happy one so far, but I can't end the year living a lie. In the interest of full disclosure I have to tell you the embarrassing truth:

I am a New Kids on the Block fan.

That wouldn't be so bad if the person at the keyboard was a thirty-year old woman who once pined over Kirk Cameron and knew the words to Wind Beneath My Wings. Instead I'm a thirty-year old man who stands 6'3" tall and weighs over three hundred pounds.

And except for one awkward summer at band camp, I never had any feelings for Mr. Cameron.

My bewildering obsession coincided with my marriage. My wife was a hard-core NKOTB fanatic in her early teens: a member of the fan club, obsessive stalker, hopeful future lover of Jonathan Knight, ticket holder to four concerts, and possessor of more useless trivia than Ken Jennings.

I was, most assuredly, the opposite. It shames me to think of how many derogatory twists on their name I created, how many times I insulted my sisters for their allegiance, and how many times I passed up NKOTB merchandise (at '80's prices!) without a second glance.

In 1999 two of the New Kids went solo, and knowing it would make my wife happy I indulged her long-suppressed impulses to scream and yell and wait in line for hours just to catch a glimpse of them.

And wouldn't ya know it, they grew on me.

They're not Led Zeppelin or Benny Goodman by any means . But Face the Music could hold it's own with any R&B out today, Jordan Knight is incredibly gifted, Donnie's a hoot, and the worst of their schlock is still pretty catchy.

I still don't understand my wife's love for Jonathan, but hey, to each his own.

So five years later my wife and I have twenty-nine videotapes devoted to NKOTB. We have NKOTB slippers, dolls, trading cards, marbles, cups, jackets, books, comics, magazines, a sleeping bag, sheets, pillows, toys, and more. We've been to every concert in Wisconsin and once flew to Boston to see Joe McIntyre.

I even made the newspaper thanks to the New Kids.

Back in '99 Joey McIntyre appeared for a CD signing at a local restaurant. We waited in line outside for hours on a bitter cold winter night. When we finally reached the front of the line security declared the event over and closed the doors.

Correction: They tried to close the doors.

The 'security guards' were local high school football players. That might have been sufficient to intimidate the average fan, but the only place I'm average is the bedroom. I thrust out my paws and kept the door from closing. Whatever I said to the poor kid didn't matter. All he saw was a very large, very angry man who, given the circumstances, was apparently quite gay to boot.

He let us in.

The next day the signing was in the newspaper, because at some point somebody (?) had knocked the front door off its hinges.

Now my wife sometimes doubts my sincerity, pointing to my constant thirst for attention. True, there really was no call to wear the No More Games tour jacket to a job interview, but aside from that I'm on the up and up. But she can keep doubting me if she likes.

Me, I just keep keepin' on.

 

My wife wishes to add that this post unfairly maligns her home as some 'crazy house' where NKOTB stuff can be seen on the mantel. This is categorically untrue; the NKOTB stuff is kept in a room of its own.

Reggie White

Packers great Reggie White died today of an apparent heart attack. He was 43.

The Post about Christmas 2004 Dec 26th

This was the first Christmas that I didn't get a chance to see It's a Wonderful Life, my favorite movie of all time.

It was the first time in my life I received only two presents, a wallet and my Secret Santa gift.

It was one of the few years where I didn't have the chance to enjoy stollen, one of my favorite desserts of all time.

It was the rare year where my family didn't have oplatki, the Polish wafer that we share as a blessing on Christmas.

And it was the first time my Grandma, eighty-two years old next January, spent the holiday in the hospital.

Kinda odd then that I'd rank this Christmas as one of my best ever.

But it was.

It was certainly not because of any of those things, but there was a different air about this Christmas. My parent's traditional Christmas Eve celebration, which I feared would be melancholy without my Grandma, went off without a hitch. It was a more subdued atmosphere but also more relaxed. Instead of the usual hustle and bustle we opened presents in order, from youngest to oldest. By the time the kids were done they'd wandered off to play in the other room, leaving the adults time to linger and talk.

Imagine that: pleasant conversation at a family gathering. Truly a season of miracles.

It went so well that by the time we were back home the Christmas spirit was just warming up. Since we have no fireplace, my wife made a special key that we hung on the door for Santa. The kids held up their end of the bargain with the big guy by setting out milk and cookies, and at my oldest's insistence, a bowl of water for the reindeer.

It was once they were asleep that I may, in retrospect, have gone a little too far.

I tried to create Santa footprints from the door to the tree and back again. You'd think that wouldn't be a problem in Milwaukee, where there's no such thing as a floor free of road salt and snow, but it was too cold for my shoes to pick up any of the old standbys. So I tried my daughter's watercolors, which did nothing but create a mess. I tried used coffee grounds and then cherry kool-aid, Nothing.

Finally, I did the only sensible thing. No, I didn’t quit - I surfed the net. Thanks to a friend, in minutes there were baby powder tracks across my freshly scrubbed floor.

Naturally, my kids didn't seem to care. And while they were gracious about it, our presents fizzled - except for that three-foot tall Elmo. It's our fault. We made the mistake of sandwiching our gifts between the night at Grandma's and Christmas breakfast with Grandpa. That's like expecting me to watch both halves of the Super Bowl and call the halftime show my favorite part.

Next year, our gifts are being handed out on the 23rd.

We ended the day with a visit to the hospital. Thankfully my Grandma was in good spirits and so were the kids. Our oldest recited her ABC's, 123's and prayers so well that we rewarded her with a gift of her own choosing - some 99¢ Barbie coins that she treated like gold.

Now there's still a chance things can go wrong. Tomorrow my mother-in-law's side of the family is coming over for a Christmas brunch, all sorts of stuff could happen. But I think we're safe.

Because his year It's a Wonderful Life seems to be more than just a movie title.

The One about the Commercialization of Christmas Dec 24th

Personally, I dig the commercialization of Christmas.

Oh, I know that sounds sacrilegious, but I assure you my family's celebration is firmly rooted where it belongs. We'll bundle the kids up and take them to church, we keep the baby Jesus out of the nativity scene until Christmas morning, and my three-year-old even wants to put up Happy Birthday signs for Jesus. We know whose holiday it is - but thanks for asking.

I just don't think it's wrong to buy presents for people you love.

Now, granted, that's kind of hypocritical given that eleven months out of the years I'm the most miserly man in America. You want a true conservative revolution in Washington? Put me in charge of the budget. Last year my wife needed new mittens to replace a pair she lost in the middle of our Milwaukee winter. She got them - the next April, when they were 75% off. Heck, if I could figure out how to remove the racing stripes I'd reuse my kids' diapers. A bucks a buck.

Just not in December.

A loyal reader took me task for this recently. "Christmas is for kids," she said. "I don’t ever want to hear you complain about money again." Then, her nose firmly in the air, she went on to say that she'd bought gifts for her entire circle of family and friends, including her ever expanding brood of kids, for under two hundred dollars.

While I'm sure the thrift shop appreciated her business, that's not for me.

For starters, there are the six nieces and nephews, teachers, crossing guard, godparents, Christmas cards, my immediate family, and co-workers.

Come December I don't have time to be cheap. I'm too busy shopping.

And I don't really mind. There's something to be said for hoarding all your base impulses and then releasing them on the local shopping mall. It's like the glorious day when you abandon your diet and hit the ice cream stand. Your capacity for the activity seems endless, and you wonder why you ever thought of stopping. All vestiges of self-restraint are gone, and while you may regret it in the morning, for the time being it's open season.

The only bump in the road seems to be my children's gifts. My wife and I believe that the biggest, best toy should be from Santa, with smaller more practical presents addressed from Mom and Dad. That way they learn to disdain us early in life, making the transition to their teenage years that much smoother. The problem stems from having to define the biggest, best toy.

Is it the $75 V-Smile game system, which they'll love but looks boring in the box and will be greeted with a yawn? Or is it the three- foot tall Elmo doll, $60 cheaper but guaranteed to bring shouts of glee the moment it's opened?

And there's the question of parity. The gifts for both girls should be roughly equal in value, but must break down into identical number of gifts, lest one of my divas believe themselves slighted. Theoretically an easy thing to do, the practice is nearly impossible. It's much easier to shop for a three year old with a history of likes and dislikes than for a one year old whose favorite activity is dumping whatever glass of liquid is left in within her reach.

All this may sound overboard, but with my meager earnings they're far from spoiled the rest of the year. They deserve a special Christmas and doggone it they're gonna get one this year.

Merry Christmas to one and all.