How NOT to take care of a baby

Katrina at work sent this to me and I HAD to repost it here. Be forewarned, you need a sense of humor for this tongue in cheek cartoon.

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Some Easter Humor

I borrowed the pretty graphic above from This, That, and Hockey, largely because it softens the non-conformist Easter humor below.

Mind you, I have every intention of doing the standard Easter posts later, but for the moment enjoy the chuckle from Hallmark's Shoebox Division. Read 'em at your own risk, but if you do please note that the last one is my favorite (which probably says a lot about me, and none of it good :)

Enjoy, and Happy Easter!

"Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

Happy Easter, diabetics!

Enjoy those seasonal stickers.
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Let’s celebrate Easter like we did when we were kids, Brother!

I’ll be cool and you be a loser.
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It’s Easter, and you know what that means!

If not, your pastor’s gonna be very disappointed in you.
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Hope you find at least one good egg this Easter.

However you want to take that.
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The Easter bunny collects, sorts, colors and delivers millions of eggs every year...

Not bad for somebody who never finished high school.
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It’s Easter! Boobs for beads!

Wait, is that right?  "

Tags: Easter, Shoebox, Hallmark

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Some Comedy Sites to Check out

Has anyone noticed that the AOL people connection page, which lists 'recently updated blogs' has been taken over by spam? Twice in the last day the list of blogs was dominated by spam generating journals. AOL needs to get on the ball.

Anyway, I wanted to introduce you, fair reader, to two new sites of note. Both are humourous but probably an aquired taste. Proceed at your own risk. .

The first, Stuff White People Like, is either a self-deprecating, tongue in cheek creation of a white guy, or a mildy insulting, very funning page written by a minority. Either way, it's a great read. I'm kind of hoping it is written by a minority, because then my acceptance of the humour, as I shrug off the insult without overreacting, would definitely fall among the life habits White People Like.

"It is also worth noting that a gay friendship of any sort allows white people to feel as though they are a part of the gay rights movement. While white people love being a part of any movement,  . .

Gay friends are an essential part of a white person’s all-star diversity roster. But they are always on the lookout for the ultimate friend; a gay minority.

It is generally accepted that a gay black friend with a child is considered a once in a lifetime opportunity - like a quarterback who can pass, run, kick, and play linebacker. White people will crawl over each other for the opportunity to claim this person as a friend and add them to their roster of diversity.

Once a white person has told you about their gay friends, it is recommended that you say “I wish more people were like you,” every few months. This will allow them to feel good about their progressive choice of friends and remind them that they are better than other white people."

OR

The most time and cost efficient way of gaining a white person’s trust and friendship is to talk to them about their time in high school.

Virtually every white person you meet was a nerd in a high school-it it is how they were able to get into a good arts program and law school. As such, their memories of high school are painful, but not tragic since they were able to eventually find success in the real world. . .

If you cannot properly gauge the type of music a white person liked in high school, you should always say that you were really into The Cure. All white people know that liking The Cure in high school is an invitation to be tortured by the cool kids.  . .

It is also acceptable to discuss how you were in love with a cool kid who never loved you back."

* * * * *

I'd also recommend A Site of Jean's Own, featuring the world renowned wisdom of Jean Teasdale, long time columnist for the renowned Onion, America's Finest News Source.

"If you're considering starting your own business, keep a few things in mind. First, you can't call in sick, and you may have to work very long hours, even if no customers show up for the entire day. Second, be prepared for weeks, or even months, to go by before you clear $50 a week in sales. Third, consider that you may have to rethink your business plan, even though you devoted a whole month to creating it.

I gotta say, Jeanketeers, after two months of helping my dad run his Off-Season Santa store, I'm ready to throw in the towel—and the giant plastic candy canes, and the colored lights, and anything else in our store that isn't nailed down! Frankly, Dad and I overestimated the level of year-round yuletide cheer in our community. We're lucky if we get three serious customers a day (and by serious, I mean people willing to pose for a photo with Dad/Santa or buy a Christmas knickknack). Mostly, Dad and I sit around in our costumes playing Go Fish and Crazy Eights.

I don't get it. We've made Santa Claus' lap available seven days a week, 365 days a year, but no one seems to care! You'd think, what with the war, that people would be chomping at the bit for a little whimsy and delight! True, we're located in a dilapidated strip mall in a seedy part of town, but people have cars, don't they?"

It's a pip!

Oh, andI love this article from the Onion:

Novelists Strike Fails To Affect Nation Whatsoever

LOS ANGELES—The Novelists Guild of America strike, now entering its fourth month, has had no impact on the nation at all, sources reported Tuesday.

The strike, which scholars say could be the longest since 1951, when American novelists may or may not have voluntarily committed to a six-month work stoppage, has brought an immediate halt to all new novels, novellas, and novelettes from coast to coast, affecting no one.

Nor has America's economy seen any adverse effects whatsoever, as consumers easily adjust to the sudden cessation of any bold new sprawling works of fiction or taut psychological character studies.

"There's a novelists strike?" Ames, IA consumer Carl Hailes said. "That's terrible. When is it scheduled to begin?"

 

Tags: Jean Teasdale, The Onion, Stuff White People Like

Morecambe and Wise

Back in the day good ol' Joe at Magic Smoke would hear your cry for help in J-Land - such as the one that accompanied my tears as AOL still refuses to upload pics, despite trying three different computers and three different files - and come to the rescue.

Alas, no more.

So instead we will temporarily forget about the cool Valentines graphics and the neat shot of my girls all dolled up this morning, put aside the few serious text-heavy posts I have in the wings, and break character a bit.

 I present to you a Morecambe and Wise skit called 'The Breakfast Skit' that Jeannette over at Make 'em Laugh put on her blog the other day.

 

I'd never heard of the duo, and the fact that they're British is no excuse, as the local public television stations are in love with the BBC to an embarrassing degree and inundate us with all kinds of Brit programming, good, bad, and average.

 Jeannette, at my request, filled me in on some details. As the email contains nothing personal I'm going to reprint it here:

Morecambe and Wise were legendary over here. They had a weekly t.v. show where they did all sorts of sketches and skits.  They pulled in audiences of over twenty million a week which for a small place like the U.K. was phenomenal.

 

Their yearly Christmas special was a must see for everyone and pulled in around 40 million viewers.  Some of the biggest of our stars guested one their shows, they did a classic sketch with Andre Previn and send up of Singing in the Rain, Nothing like a dame all sorts.  Each week there was a small play what Ernie wrote.  That is what he used to say, we would like you to appear in a play that I wrote.  The play was always silly and was written to show of Eric’s comedy.

 

Eric was the tall one and he was the comic.  Ernie was the little one- as Eric used to say the “one with the short fat hairy legs” although Ernie could be a comic in his own right.  They also had a standing joke about Ernie wearing a toupee although he had his own hair. You would have to see a few of their shows to really appreciate them.

 

The stripper that you saw was one of their classics.  They rehearsed it for several hours but then did it in one take, some doing.

 

Eric had a coupe of heart attacks but could not give up the business.  Another heart attack killed him at the age of 58.  Ernie was heartbroken.  They had started their double act as teenagers.  Naturally he could not go on alone so he spent his remaining years appearing on talk shows and on panel games etc.

 

They are very much missed over here.

 

I am so glad that you enjoyed that sketch.  I think some types of humor appeal all over the world and you do not have to be British to enjoy it.

 

Thank you for asking about them.

 

Jeannette

Naw, thanks for introducing us to them. If this skit is any  indication, they're well worth a further look.

Tags: Morecambe and Wise

Packer Prayer

I am not one of the millions of Wisconsinites who worhip the Green and Gold. I like the Packers and all, but I don't live and die by them; I don't even own any Packers clothing (gasp!).

Even so I'll be watching the NFC Championship game today and rooting just as hard as anyone in this state. I think we can take the Giants. It'll be rough going at times, but I think it'll get done. I'm looking forward to seeing the Ice Bowl II, with temperatures expected to start out at -7 degrees with wind chill factors much below that.

I'm also rooting for the Chargers to knock off the Pats, for too many reasons to mention.

Here's a take on the Lord's Prayer that's circulating on the net. Not my cup of tea, but cute none-the-less.

Our Favre,

Who art in Lambeau,

Hallowed be thine arm.

Thy bowl will come,

It will be won.

In Phoenix as it is in Lambeau.

And give us this Sunday,

Our weekly win.

And give us many touchdown passes

But do not let others pass against us.

Lead us not into frustration,

But deliver us to the valley of the sun.

For thine is the MVP, the best of the NFC,

and the gloryof the Cheeseheads,

now and forever.

Go get'em. Amen."

Go Pack!

Tags: Green Bay, Packers, Favre

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Monday

Today was an odd day. There were intense thunderstorms all day and a big scheduling conflict. LuLu was due at dance class in the boonies at 5:15, while YaYa had an audition workshop for Fiddler on the Roof at just about the same time.

I dropped Lis and YaYa off in the midst of a severe hailstorm then headed out through the occasional flooded street to dance class.

While Lu was dancing Smiley, Lauren and I hung out in the van, listening to a kids tape and whiling away the hour.

The only problem - when dance class ended, the car wouldn't start. I'd left the key in 'on' and wore out the battery. Dumb.

Of course the kids started to wig out and no one in the parking lot had jumper cables. You'd have thougth I was asking for a handout with the way people avoided eye contact. Yikes. Finally one woman, the previously unknown Betsy, offered a jump.

Slight comedic moment: for some reason her hood didn't have a pole to prop it up, and she was very worried the jump would prove disasterous because of this.

 So here I am with the hood propped by hand, screaming kids in the van, the only light my 'low battery' phone, and a drizzle coming down.

And the phone WOULD NOT STOP RINGING. It rang 3 or 4 times as I was hooking up the cables.

"Just don't answer it!," she said annoyed.

"I can't," I said, "I have another kid waiting on X Street" I said, with X being the not so great area where the theater was located.

So the jump works and she says "God Bless You Dan!"

"Bless me? You're the Good Samaritan, you're the one who stopped to help me, not the other way around," I said.

Seems like she was so concerned about the jump going haywire that the sucess was as much a victory for her as for me.

* * *

Lu, btw, performed admirably in her class. Smiley and I caught a glimpse of her. When her class was dismissed he gave her a sincere round of applause.

Oh, he also said 'van' today - clear as day and more than once.

YaYa came back with a dance routine to get down and some lyrics to learn. The audition is later this week. Wish her luck!

* * *

P*** on Ohio State for losing another championship game. Suck it up and don't make a fool of yourself on national TV. You represent the Big Ten, you &%^(*.

 

The Language of Dude

I love these Bud Light commercials. The word 'dude' stands as a worthy substitute for dozens of words and phrases, and Lord knows I use them all.

You know what sucks? My sound isn't working on the computer, so I can't listen to these. Grrr.

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Family Guy - How's that Novel you're working on?

I love this scene and laughed my a** off . . so true of so many 'writer's', myself included.

                           

Stewie Griffin: How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Got a a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for three years? Huh? Got a, got a compelling protagonist? Yeah? Got a obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Got a story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yeah, talking about that three years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off.

The Sad Truth about Bloggers

From todays Pearls Before Swine by Stephen Pastis.

Rather than risk a TOS violation . .

I will only say that Lisa was laughing at her own (lame) joke involving a woman on the TV named, of all things, Minnie Cox.

My Goofy Dance

At YaYa's request, I performed my patented dance for her picture taking experiment

Ain't I pretty?

Church joke

Normally I detest Fwd: emails, but as of late my sister Katie's been coming up with some halfway good ones to pass around.

*******************************

An elderly couple was attending church services, when about halfway through she leans over and says to him:

 "I just let a big silent one, what do you think I should do?"

He leans over to her and replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

The Siamese/Conjoined Gummy Bear

My wife recently found these sad Gummy Bears on Ebay.

"This gummy bear was pulled from a bag in cleveland Ohio on 1-29-06.It is siamese the red one on the top Is Phil and the yellow one is grover.Grover was born with a birth defect and is missing his bottom left leg.The Highest bidder will save there lives.I will eat both of them in 10 days if they are not sold on Ebay.You and only you can save them.I will assume the highest bidder will give them the best life possible.

 

I wanted to bid, but the Mrs.said $5 was too much money to save this Bears' life . .callous Republican.

 

Ted Feguson, Bud Light Daredevil

Just a quick note to say that Ted Ferguson, Bud Light Daredevil, is too damn ugly to have a girlfriend that fine.

I'm just sayin' . . .

Norman Chad vs USC

Hey, maybe it's just because I don't follow college football much outside the Big Ten, but I really don't have anything against the Trojans of Southern Cal. So I'm not sure what all the fuss is about in Norman Chad's new column.

Who cares? On a weak day he's one of the funniest writers I follow, and with a burr under his saddle  he's over the top . . .maybe a little too over the top to be the 'ideal' column to introduce you to him, but what the heck . .

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and asks, "Wanna hear a USC joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds and I'm a USC graduate. The guy sitting next to me is 6-2, 225 and he's a USC graduate. The fella next to him is 6-5, 250 and he went to USC. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy replies, "Naw, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

 

What is the closest star to the Earth?

I hate to think of what this means for Mankind . . .a fun little article, courtesy (in a roundabout way)  of Tom at Tomsastroblog.

Life Cycle of a Blogger

I stole this article on MinJungKIm.com from Mad Perseid.

I'm posting it here to honor all my fellow bloggers out there. 

1. Start reading blogs.
You start out as a lurker and by either having met a blogger or run across an intriguing and challenging post from someone else’s blog, you start mulling about in your head for either a forum for response, challenge, or agreement. You *could* start by commenting on other folks blogs first, but you start having a gradually increased desire for a space of your own. Like when you’re living in your parent’s basement and the rest of your friends are making weekly trips to Home Depot and using words like “mulching”. You begin to wonder if you want to belong.

2. You start a blog.
Maybe at first it’s on blogspot or livejournal. You start writing about cheese sandwiches. You use your full name and the full names of your friends that are involved in your occasionally mischievous exploits. These things satisfy you. Hubris starts taking a more significant part of your site as you develop your tiny homestead online. The notion of fleshing out your online personality becomes important.

3. You become a stats whore.
Daily stats/referrals and meme participation for webrings, quizlists, personality profiles, and the occasional sepia toned webcam photo to make you look all “emo” and “sultry” and “sensitive” or at least a little bit thinner. And definitely like a Kpop music video still image. You voraciously groom your links list as you build a posse. The wishlist makes it’s initial appearance and creepy strangers start sending you gifts when your birthday comes around. You consider this slightly weird, but hey, then again, you *did* get that Star Wars Box set that you always wanted. You *start* memes just for the additional traffic. Perhaps you even start a webgame of sorts.

4. You become really personal on your site as the online and real-life worlds start confusing you.
As you recognize the possibility of being an opinion leader in your personal circle, people flame you. You occasionally flame back. You cry about comments that certain people make to provoke you. You bitch about these things as well. Then you take into consideration that comments were made by pimply 14 year olds who post jpegs of their warcraft characters online and realize that these lOZeRs aren’t worth your time. This gives you an sense of superiority. Haha! you say to yourself. I have a posse and a blog and you don’t. So fuck off, you lame twat. Hazzah!

5. You faux “retire” from blogging.
Having temporarily exhausted the emotional reservoir from which your personal blog has sprung forth, you post about retiring. Or a vacation. Or a hiatus. Or a sabbatical. You say this will be permanent. Or last a month.

6. You cave back into blogging in less than 72 hours.
You candy pants blogging crack addict.

7. You decide to “get serious” about blogging.
You seek out “The A-List” of bloggers and start reading more of them, and news about them, and news about blogging in general. You come to the conclusion that if you ever hope to join their rank, then you need to at least register your own domain. After all, http://candypantsnewbiebloggeraboutcheesesandwhiches.blogspot.com will not get you linked by Kottke.

8. You have a pseudo flirty im/blogging/flickr flirting relationship with another blogger whom you have never met.
This will likely end badly. Very badly.

9. You decide that you must meet other bloggers.
SXSW seems like a good way to go about it. Or attendance at Fray Day. Or finding any excuse possible to move to San Francisco. At least a trip, after all. With a visit to SF, meeting other “celebrity” bloggers is just as tasty a tourist destination as going to Fisherman’s Wharf. Or more so. Definitely more so. Your blogroll grows threefold.

10. You take a step back and metablog about blogging and what blogging has done about your blogging.
You become pedantically navelgazingly annoying. For some reason, your blogger readership eats this shit up. This does not convince you, however, that you want to do something silly like smoke weed with Marc Canter. Because even *you* know that’s a bad idea.

11. See step 5.
Shampoo, rinse, repeat.

12. You decide that as a result of step 10 and having repeated step 5 more than 3 times in the course of your lifecycle as a blogger, that you need to sanitize or reinvent your blog.
You purge or hide archive entries and take more note to remove full names of your friends/crushes/accidentaldrunkenfondels from your site and links list. Your blog goes back to cheese sandwiches. But this time your site validates.

13. You either lose your job because of blogging, are afraid of losing your job for blogging, or join a company that builds blogging tools.
Either way, your blog either dies a horrible painful death, or becomes significantly less personal to the degree of trite and uninteresting compartmentalization or subject matter discretion.

14. You decide to start an anonymous livejournal blog.
Here is where you still talk about your crushes, the he said/she said crap, and that you really really really really really really really like Maroon 5. And it’s on your wishlist.

I'm currently stuck between a mix of #'s 3 (stat wh*re) and 4 (mixes personal and blogging worlds as I lose track of the difference between the two).

And yes, I have received birthday gifts off my wish list (which, sadly, is currently misplaced - the link, not the gifts).

If you're interested, I'll sum up the wish list: a copy of Death of the Messiah by Raymond Brown, and a decent laptop to use on the go.

I'm not picky though - feel free to send me a used laptop if that's all you can afford ;)

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How Lightsabers Work.

Screw Lucas' monopoly on Jedi technology. Courtesy of Pentavirate, here's a link to a site that explains just how those fancy lightsabers work.

It also shows the practical uses of the tool - such as saving time by slicing and toasting your bagel with a singe swipe of the blade. Enjoy.

 

Alien Mortgage

The recital was a blast - I'll post pics and a short summary tomorrow.

Meanwhile, check out this link from MyUfo.com, a site listed in my 'favorite sites' to the left.

$1 Million Prize for 1st Extraterrestrial Home Loan

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Just for kicks

I'm a big Led Zeppelin fan, and as we all know I also put a lot of stock into my faith. To some this looks hypocritical, and a few friends have questioned how I can call myself christian and still listen to a band with [alleged] satanic ties. Well, the answer is simple:

Zep rocks baby!

Seriously, I don't buy the urban myths, and I don't care if Jimmy Page once dallied with the occult. That was thirty years ago, and folks mellow and change. For Pete's sake, thirty years ago I was in diapers and craving my mother's milk. 

Sure, I never got over it, but most people do . . .

Which leads me to this site, which along with other songs plays Zep's Stairway to Heaven backwards to transcribe a famous diabolical message.

http://jeffmilner.com/backmasking.htm

I still think it's bogus.

A) I've played it backwards and not heard a thing at home, so it might be a case of someone messing with the track for the site 

 B) really, what would be the point of putting any message out there that requires you to play a song backwards to hear it?

 If that's the best form of communication the Dark Side can come up with, the good guys should have KO'd  'em a long time ago.

And just wait 'til you hear what Britney Spears has on her record . . .

 

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