Easter Morn

Easter morning, if I remember correctly, we woke up later than usual. You'd think that would have given us time to dress and groom properly for the obligatory pictures. You'd be wrong.



Anyhow, here's what the baskets looked like.







The kids were given the baskets - a shocking turn of events on Easter, eh? - and dug in.











Note Smiley's Wall-E t-shirt. I think I've told you all that he loves the guy, just as soon as he discovered he could say his name.













I do remember we were all exhausted once all the morning rituals were completed, but we still had to get dressed up for the rest of the holiday.





I hope your Easter was as pleasant as ours.

The Company by KJ Parker

I'm willing to bet you haven't heard of The Company before, and I'm going to chock part of that up to a woeful mislabeling of the product. It is listed and sold as a work of science fiction/fantasy. It's true that the country where the action takes place is fictional, but the world that is recreated in its pages is a virtual clone of the Europe of centuries past. There is no magic, sorcery, elves, or God forbid, talking trees.

It is as much a work of science fiction as this blog is Pulitzer worthy.

The company follows five infamous veterans of a failed war as they return home to their small community. Out of loyalty to one another, disillusionment with their return home, and sheer boredom they agree to establish a colony on a deserted island discovered during the war. It is their chance to start over, but as with everything they touch, death and chaos follow. Barns burn. Crops fail. The colony begins to turn on itself - and then a dark secret from the war threatens to destroy not only the present and future, but their memories of the past as well.

From the first page I think you can pick up on the fact that this is not a novel that will end with rainbows and green pastures, and it certainly does not. What it does do is introduce us to a group of men forged by war yet consumed with demons born in childhood. It slowly sheds light on a consistent pattern of doom and tragedy that looms over these men, and part of our own heart aches with them.

This is not an action novel, although there are scenes of warfare and violence aplenty. It is, primarily, a cerebral journey into the heart of loyalty and betrayal, told through the eyes of men more accustomed to a sword than a confessional.

A very good novel.

3.25 out of 4

Easter Egg Dyeing on Good Friday

After we polished off making the Rice Krispie Eggs, we hit the traditional six or eight dozen eggs we dye for family and friends. Some of the pics below were taken by the kids, so pardon the fuzzy quality.









It's getting easier, generally speaking, as the kids get older. It was a real bear when the only 'helpers' were a four year old Jonah and a two year old Caitlin. But we still have one demon in the group: Ginger.





Anyhow, it proceeded as normal and I will note that the kids broke only a few eggs this year, a dramatic fall-off from years past. Sadly, that left fewer for me to eat, er, dispose of.













Here's the final results. Everyone digged this 'globe' egg











Not everyone kept clean



And not everyone stayed classy



But we all had a good time!

Update on Milwaukee Serial Killer: 7th Victim Identified

Milwaukee police have confirmed that DNA tests have tied a seventh victim to the serial killer they're hunting. Remember, two dozen additional samples are being tested and more victims may be identified in the coming days.

Florence McCormick, a slain prostitute who was found dead April 24, 1995 on
Milwaukee's north side.
McCormick's body was found inside a vacant home on
the city's north side in the 600 block of W. Locust Ave., police said at the
time the body was discovered

The Rambles pt 2

Here's the last half of that post, fleshed out for good measure.

* * * *

For Mother's Day I bought Lisa another copy of the New Kids' CD, replacing one my sister had "borrowed" and never returned. This brings to mind an experience she had at the concert in April. She was seated between the main stage and stage 'B', the rotating platform where they perform three songs. As the guys moved from one to another she grabbed hold of Jon Knight's hand. Always and forever her favorite, he had to pry her hand off in order to continue on his way. She said his hand was much bigger and softer than she expected.

* * * *

The media coverage of Jon and Kate's marital problems leaves me shaking my head . Yes, yes, smirk and say "what's good for the goose is good for the gander. They were certainly keen on the attention when things were well, weren't they?"

Well, sure. Anyone who says - let me elaborate: says and truly believes- that they would turn down the same offer is a fool. The couple has eight children. A television station offered them a chance to document their family for posterity, while paying the Gosslin's more money per episode than they would earn in a year at a 'real' job.

You're right, it sounds like a horrible, selfish idea. [Attention Hollywood: if you want to come over to the Slapinons household and film the convoluted mess that is our lives, my number is 414 555-5555.]

As far as the alleged infidelity: if he's cheating, and I say 'if', then he's an idiot for doing it in public when he knows cameras are following him. That said, no one knows what goes on inside a marriage except the two people who exchanged vows. There are rumours of sexual discord, of Kate herself having a 'friend', and even of 'allowed' dalliances - none of which is any of my business, nor changes my respect for what they've accomplished as parents.

Update: since this was began I've read Kate's interview in People. Sometimes I wonder where this woman's PR people learned their trade. She tries to sell herself as a saint, and paints Jon as a lazy, shiftless wreck of a man. I don't care what's going on behind the scenes, if you want to try and work on your marriage that's a lousy, lousy, way to start the process. Score one for Jon on the sympathy meter.

* * * *

We watched a second week of The Fashion Show, and it's growing on us. I like the emphasis on sale-and-wearability over the 'arty' fashion of Project Runway.

We've also scoped out a week of Any Dream Will Do, Andrew Lloyd Webber's casting call for an English lead for Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. Joseph is my favorite musical, but the reality show falls flat. It's much too posh and slow paced for my cheap American tastes.

* * * * *
I ran into an old customer of mine from Job Prior, a prostitute who now seems to have retired from the trade. She was with a husband/boyfriend at Wal-Mart, and while we exchanged nods we didn't speak. I don't blame her. What was she going to tell the guy? "Oh, this is Dan. He was working 3rd shift back when I was turning tricks, and sometimes he'd have to step in and deal with a john that got out of line."

I remember one time, in a lobby filled with people, she whipped out a caramel colored breast to show off a bright white crescent scar; the result, she said, of a woman biting her chest during a youthful brawl.

Ah, memories.

Milwaukee Police: Seeking info on suspected serial killer

The Milwaukee Police Department has announced that they are seeking a serial killer suspected of killing six or more women over a 21 year period. DNA found on all six victims match that of the unknown suspect. Additionally, more than two dozen more samples are being examined in cases involving other potential victims.

It should be noted that the killer does not appear in any law enforcement DNA database, which means he has avoided conviction in Wisconsin since at least 1996, and avoided conviction for sexual assault in Wisconsin since 1994. In other words, he has managed to slip under the radar for decades, possibly living an ordinary day-to-day existence. Frightening, to say the least.

The information below is from JSOnline. Anyone with information related to the women below should of course contact the MPD immediately.

The victims include:

Deborah L. Harris, 31, was found on Oct. 10, 1986. in the Menominee River about 100' east of the Ember Lane Bridge, tied with a clove hitch knot.

Tanya L. Miller, 19, was found strangled on Oct. 11, 1986, between a house and garage in the 2100 block of N. 28th St.. She was fully clothed but wearing no shoes. Her socks were clean, leading police to believe her body was moved from the spot of her death. She was last seen around 10:30 p.m. on the day before, talking with friends on a street corner.

Sheila Farrior, 37, a mother of five, was found June 27, 1995 in the bedroom of a vacant home on the 1400 block of W. Chambers St. by the building's owner, who went there to inspect remodeling work.

Jessica Payne, 16, ran away from home shortly before she would have started junior year at South Milwaukee High School. She was found Aug. 30, 1995 behind a vacant house at N. 7th and W. Chambers streets. Chaunte D. Ott was convicted of her homicide and sentenced to life in prison after a man told police Ott had confessed to killing Payne during an attempted robbery. In January, Ott was released from prison after DNA linked Payne's death with that of two other women.Payne's killing does not fit the profile of the others, police said.

Joyce Mims, 41, was found by workers renovating a vacant house on the 2900 block of N. 5th St. on June 20, 1997. She had been strangled. Mims was last seen by family members walking away from her home two days before her body was found. She had a son.

Ouithreaun Stokes, 28, was found by a city inspector and two other people on April 27, 2007 at a boarded-up building that had previously served as a rooming house. She was 28.

Rambles

I'm going to try and sneak in a quick post before work.

It was a busy and productive morning. Smiley and I bought diapers, cat food and litter, went to the bank, paid our utility bill, gave my sister and Dad each a ride, dropped off a folder at the girl's school, and went to his ENT appointment.

[Smiley's ears have improved since the last appointment, but the right tube is still recessed and runs the risk of thinning the bone in his ear. So he'll have to try to fix it himself by holding his nose and blowing hard twice a day (I'm serious) or they'll have to fix it with surgery.]

Speaking of paying that utility bill; as of now my mortgage, car, insurance, utility and cell phone bills are all paid for the month. With the escrow increase in June, God willing that's not the last month I can say that. I need a better job, and ASAP.

Things have gotten so bad for a number of our circle that two of Lisa's friends have asked, independently of one another, if we'd consider allowing them to move in and help pay the costs of the house.

As Lisa is irrationally against the idea of having sister wives, I say no deal ;)

* * * *

Ok, I'm running out of time before work. So I'll scrap the last half of the post and (possibly) recycle it later. Have a good one!

YaYa in "Mary Poppins"

This spring YaYa signed up for a role in her school's performance of Mary Poppins. You might remember me mentioning the twice a week after-school practices that demanded a lot of schedule wrangling.

I'm pretty blunt about school/kid functions. If it sucks, I'll say so - not to the kids of course, and I'll view it in the context of the ages involved - but you won't find me saying a music recital is as good as a day at Carnegie Hall.

Well, in the end the practices were worth it. Mary Poppins was unexpectedly good. Many of the main characters (all female; no males played starring roles) had strong voices, there was a decent attempt at scenery and costuming (the latter due to parent contributions) and the acting was decent for their age. Well done.

YaYa had a small speaking role as a bank customer. Lisa purchased her outfit from a convent thrift shop that caters to an older clientle, and my mother-in-law sewed the alterations.





Her line kicked off the run on the bank. "There's something wrong! The bank won't give someone their money!". She also vigorously pounded on a teller window, an act she kept hidden from us as a surprise for the show.





Our one complaint about the show was the length. It followed the musical line by line and stretched past the two hour mark. The trip to see the Uncle and other superfluous scenes should have been trimmed. As it was, however, Smiley did an admirable job staying serene for the show. LuLu had already saw the show at a 'school kids only ' performance and had no desire to sit through another.











Well done superstars!

Razzle Dazzle

This is the weekend of our annual dance recitals, and as I write this Lisa, Smiley, YaYa and LuLu should be wrapping up the first performance of the year. I'll be attending the evening show with my Dad, and it stands to be a great night of family entertainment.

In honor of the event, I rented Razzle Dazzle: A Journey into Dance, a mockumentary centered on two competing children's dance studios in Australia.


The first and most impressive studio is run by the beautiful Miss Elizabeth, who operates - very successfully - with cold hearted efficiency. "More stretching, less eating" she recites to her troupe, and she chastises one girl for failing to complete a turn even after all the "false praise" Miss Elizabeth handed out.


The competing studio is your classic underdog, run by Mr. Jonathon, who seventeen times (he counted) was relagated to the back row of the stage in childhood recitals. His approach is that of your classic over-the-top artist, with children's recitals full of dances about political oppression, economic policies, and sexual politics. That being said, Mr. Jonathon is a nice man who genuinely loves both dancing and the members of his little troupe, and you're quick to side with him in his struggles.


And struggle he does. His dancers have talent, but the best of the bunch, Tenille, comes with the Stage Mom of all Stage Moms. The troupe's costumer is a silent goth woman, and the secretary routinely auditions potential foster children, takes them into her home, then drops them back at the orphanage at the conclusion of recital season.


Enter talented young Grace, the daughter of television personality who's fallen in love with his male on-screen partner and divorced her Mum. Grace herself is eccentric, and if the viewer isn't mistaken there's a bit of chemistry between her Mom and the lonely Mr. Jonathon . . .


Great fun, with some talented dancing and a good laugh or two as well.


Recommended.

"And I was all ready to say thank you!" - classic Match Game moment

The wonderful Charles Nelson Reilly brings the show to its knees with this one, an unexpected response to a Match Game question about Snow White. ROFLMAO, as the kiddies say with their fancy-dancy new text machines.

Danny Gokey and the Lost Season Finale

I told you that twenty-year old monstrosity of a Terrance Trent Darby song would help seal the deal.

With Danny Gokey gone I'm relieved - the Slapinions household is now done with American Idol for the year, if not longer.

I've felt for weeks that Adam would win the prize in the end (how could he not, with Simon and the producers pimping him at every opportunity, be it on Oprah, in Entertainment Weekly, etc) so I have no complaint about him moving on to the finals.

But Kris???

I like the guy, but he doesn't have the chops to be in the final; an American Idol should not be chosen on the whim of a bunch of 12 year olds with mad text messaging skills. If Kris wins, its no better than Taylor Hicks Pt II, and so . . .gag . . . I have to root for Adam in the finals.

But I'm not going to watch, because either its a done deal or I'm done with the show. Don't believe me? Once Dautrey (sic) was voted off neither Lisa and I watched another episode until this season.


As for Danny, I don't think he'll stay long in pop music. I imagine he'll do a quick strafing run on the top 40 to earn his pension savings, then carve out a long career in Christian Rock.

* * * *


Lost's season finale blew my mind. It was a solid, well thought out show that managed the neat trick of creating more questions while still moving the story arc forward at a brisk pace. For the record: about ten minutes into the episode, I guessed that John's corpse was in the shipping crate and that 'Locke' was an imposter. But don't feel bad if you didn't figure it out.

I am an Evil Genius after all.

Anyhow, I'm a wee bit tired to craft all my thoughts into a coherent package, so let's go with a list of items from my brain.

a. I think we have to concede that 'Adam and Eve', the two aged corpses in
the caves from the first season, are Rose and Bernard - happily together, even
in death.

b. Rose was right; the Losties spend a whole lot time dredging up
drama and trotting around trying to stop it. Of course, without that there would
be no show.

c. Miles' question about the bomb was apt. What if the Losties create the incident by attempting to stop it in the first place? A few points against his POV. One, the incident seemed pretty wickedly bad sans the nuke, although I'll grant you the gunfire may have affected the drill and magnified its effect. Two, even if he's right, big wup. If they set off the bomb and cause the incident they're no worse off than they were, albeit with a few more corpses laying around to clean up. Essentially, it would be status quo.

d. I repeat my earlier claim: Kate is of no use to the plotline anymore. Kill 'er off.

e. Note the New Kids on the Block lunchbox? Rock on Lost universe, rock on!

f. I know the producers have discounted the purgatory/spiritual aspects of the show, but the finale would sure seem to be a return to the idea. Read on below.

g. Jacob is a benign and supernatural force that encourages free will and yet seems to have foreknowledge of what those freely made choices will be. His opponent - fans have already named him 'Esau' after the biblical rivalry between Jacob and his brother - is a being who restricts free choice by manipulating men to do his bidding.

h. I was wrong about Locke creating his own destiny. Locke/Esau made his own destiny, and doomed poor Locke. It was Esau who instructed Richard to prompt the true Locke into his belief that his death was essential, and tricked Richard into believing the same.

i. I don't believe Esau has power outside of the island. He was forced to manipulate events from the island in an effort to bring Locke and the Oceanic Six back to his home turf. Once Locke was dead and the plane on the ground he could assume Locke's form.

j. I believe Esau is, or is connected with, the smoke monster. I think he assumed Christian's form to manipulate Claire and John, and took the shape of Ben's daughter in the temple to force Ben's co-operation. Taken as a whole I think the monster/Esau is incapable of mimicking a living soul, and can only replicate the dead.

k. I buy into the argument that Eko was Esau's first pawn, but that he somehow caught wind of the manipulation and in response was brutally killed by the monster. Note his dying words to John: "You're next."

l. Esau obviously lacked the ability to kill Jacob himself and needed to find a 'loophole' to accomplish the deed. That places Esau as subordinate, if distinct, from Jacob. God/Devil?

m. The breadth of Esau's manipulation, which dates back over a year and suckered in the entire show's cast, is well and truly impressive.

n. With his secret revealed, will Esau be able to talk his way out of danger? Does he need to?

o. Back to the 'core' group - the bomb goes off in the end. Is tragedy averted? The 'no' vote: we wouldn't have much of a show then, correct? The 'yes' vote: Daniel was a pretty sharp tack, and the idea sounds plausible in a goofy Lost-like way. I can't see the point of doing it if its just going to be explained away with a 'huh. We were wrong." in the season opener.

p. Back to Jacob: so was it Esau that was the resident of the cabin? If so, why would Ben take anyone there? Then again, he was surprised when items flew abou,t so maybe he assumed it was just a mock-stage to sucker in the masses. But why bother with the charade?

q. Whoever was in the cabin was a prisoner to some degree, as the ash boundary is a clear line of demarcation. But I assume Esau was free to do his business with the smoke monster, so what gives? At what point in the show was the ash boundary trampled on by a Lostie? That might give us the answer right there.

r. The storyline as a whole: forget what the producers said five years ago, this is reeking of redemption/punishment/spiritual judgement. Call it by whatever name you like, at its heart it appears God and the Devil are battling it out for the possession of a handful of souls.

s. What a great bleepin' series. Man I love Lost!

Rice Krispie Eggs on Good Friday

As usual, we kept up our annual tradition of dyeing Easter eggs with the kids in our life, a practice that dates back to well before we had children of our own. Two changes this year: because of schedule difficulties our friend Chris' kids did not attend, and for God knows what reason my nephew and oldest niece skipped the proceedings. *

Ack, make that three changes, in honor of the Trinity ;), but the last one was a good 'un. Lisa decided to mix things up a bit and make Rice Krispie Eggs dipped in chocolate.











Aside from getting it on themselves and some on the woodwork, they kept the mess to a minimum.



















I think we'll repeat this project next year, but not because it was oh so successful. I think the finished product looked a little turd-like, and they were far too dense for my liking. But it's a neat idea and a crowd pleaser, and with a little practice I think they'll be yummy.


* Hey, I know egg dyeing isn't something a 14 and 12 year old *want* to do, but tough ta-ta. Half my life, if not more, is comprised of doing things that aren't high on my "Hot Dog!" list. If nothing else, the little kids look up to them and noticed their absence. *Meet your obligations*Here endeth the sermon.

On Hate Mail, American Idol, and Lost

Yes, I did get hate email about my article yesterday. Only two mind you, but they were doozies. The first called me several names, specifically said I didn't love my family, and labeled my writing "worthless drivel". The second was kinder, but that might be because he doesn't appear to have actually read the column.

* * * *

I'll be glad when American Idol is done for the year. Not that I haven't enjoyed it, but it's such a pain to have another obligation on my schedule. It's not like you can even postpone your viewing, because the media saturation gives it all away the next day.

* * * *

I was late for work last week because of Mr. Gokey. Gokey's hometown return was a big event here, and while a top crowd of 5,000 was expected at the Summerfest Grounds more than 20,000 showed up. That meant traffic was backed up around the city, even on the south side, so I sat on the freeway listening to 'cool' alternative music DJ's blast American Idol as 'Karaoke'.

As**ole.

* * * * *

I'm not a big conspiracy person, but the first song that Danny was forced to sing reeked of an ambush. Terrance Trent Darby? An unknown Terrance Trent Darby song ? An unknown Terrance Trent Darby song that sounds like disco?

Meanwhile, Adam is handed U2's fine if over-rated 'One'. This reminded me, just a hair, of the overtly feminine songs that were chosen for the Kelly/Justin finale in Season One. That move put Justin, already an underdog, at a fatal disadvantage.

I don't think the producers rig the election, but they sure do their best to sway the vote.

I thought Danny bit the bullet and got through the first song and shined by the end of the show. Kris started the show strong but his version of Kanye, to me, sounded like a butchered coffee-shop version of a great song.

Adam . . . ugh. Every song sounds the same, a shrieking knock-off of Mark Wahlberg's imitation of Judas Priest in Rock Star. And what's with the tongue thing?You're not in Kiss, Adam.

I'm kind of hoping Gokey doesn't win it all, as I'd like him to have more than the one moderate hit the winner will produce before returning to obscurity. Still, I think he makes the finals with Adam.


* * * *

I haven't written about Lost because for several weeks, while I was at work, someone *cough* failed to notice that the DVR cancelled the recording in favor of Whatever, Martha.

I've finally caught up online. Here are some brief thoughts:

1. The actress that plays 40 year old Eloise Hawking (Alice Evans) is SUPER SUPER HOT. What a Danny girl.

2. The shooting of Ben ended in a cop-out worthy of Dallas. His memory was erased? C'mon!

3. Locke is creating his own 'destiny'. He sends Richard to recruit the adolescent Locke, he send Ricard to pass on the message that he must die, etc. So how much of it is BS? Is he destined for greatness, or just a false prophet?

4. Kate has become a boring, superfluous character, both in terms of the show itself and her interactions within the Lost universe. She could bite the big one and I wouldn't shed a tear.

5. I still say time can be altered. Maybe they have a shot at erasing everything that's happened. I just don't think detonating a hydrogen bomb is a smart way to go about it.

Deeper

Deeper is Jeff Long's follow-up to his chilling The Descent. Like most sequels it duplicates some of the original work, although I would argue that would be hard to avoid in this case. A novel about a race of horrific creatures living deep in the earth - well it kind of necessitates a trip underground, doesn't it?

Ike, the longtime captive turned Army scout, has returned to the caves and hasn't been seen in years. His wife Ali, the former nun,, leads a controversial scientific group that is seen as overly sympathetic to the plight of the Hadals, the demonic race defeated in The Descent.

Although they were supposedly wiped out at the end of first book, the Hadals mount a strike against the heart of America, kidnapping children from across the country. The mother of one of the children mounts what's termed a Children's Crusade, an armed volunteer expedition to the center of the earth. Not surprisingly, Ali and her MIA husband are soon drawn into the fray. That trek towards a bloody confrontation with the Hadal is the heart of the novel, echoing the plot of the first.

There are difference however, and not just in the motives that move the characters. When we last saw it the underworld was an elaborate but undeveloped universe; now, with a flippant and unrealistic confidence in their past victory, many humans have migrated below. A more fundamental difference lies in the philosophy of Long's universe. In The Descent the Hadal are not only physical beings but creatures whose existence defines religion as a fraud, even if I thought the argument was weak and contrived.

Deeper, however, has a definitive spiritual flavor. The Hadal may be earthbound beings but they are led by a being that looks/acts/thinks like a fallen angel, one in a desperate search for release from his prison, and there is an immortal mythological creature at work too.

Long's universe remains one of monstrous darkness defined by elaborate torture, brutal cannibalism, and fear. It would be an awful, awful world to live in, but from the safety of the printed page, it's a great place to visit.

My newest column

Here's a link to my column in today's Journal.

Local readers: let me remind you that a visit to JSOnline does *not* excuse you from purchasing a copy of the paper. If nothing else, think of it this way - you're not buying the same text you can get online. You're buying the same text and my picture (which is never displayed on their site).

* * * * *

I got two letters from the Journal editors today. The first was the standard "got your submission" letter. The second one surprised me and made me smile.

Dan, I like the approach you took in your column – especially given your
personal history with smoking. It turned out nicely, and not just the usual
knee-jerk type of opposition. Thanks.

Mabel W
Perspectives
Editor

It may not seem like much, but a letter like this isn't her normal M.O. Usually she just prints your stuff or rejects it, without much commentary either way, so I am unduly proud of the compliment.

* * * *
Mild off on a tangent comment:

I've never been happy with the number of commas I use in my writing. I think I use them too often for my own good. But after looking at five published columns of mine, and comparing each to the draft that was submitted, I guess I'm wrong. The editors seem to add a comma after every other word; honestly, it's like they get paid per comma.

I know, I know. It looks different online than it does in cold hard print - it does. Really, it looks and reads much better in ink - but jeesh.

Another column will be published Tuesday

Last week the newspaper sent out an email to the columnists, asking for a volunteer to argue against the creation of a smoking ban in Wisconsin. On the theory that I will never, ever refuse a writing job I clicked 'reply' without much thought. I didn't hear back by the stated time, but it was no real loss.

Then on Friday I took a call at work. To my suprise it was the editor ("Hi Dan, it's Mabel from The Journal . . .") who handed me the assignment. What was neat, other than an editor calling me, was that I was chosen over a number of people who asked for the assignment. Cool.

So, Milwaukee folk, get out your 75 cents; the column will run Tuesday morning.

* * * * *

Quick memory: Sunday marked the 18th anniversary of a May snowstorm that dumped six inches in the area. It was my junior year of high school, and I'll never forget standing in front of Pius, just stunned by the freak snowfall.

* * * *

Overheard: Two skinny women discussing the People magazine with Kristie Alley on the cover, 'coming clean' about her 80 pound weight gain.

Woman 1: Ugh, hellllloooo! Don't you think after twenty pounds you'd look in the mirror and realize you were fat?

Woman 2: I know! What a pig!

A . Burn in hell bit**es.

B. Kirstie was a contestant on The Match Game in 1979, well before Cheers or even her stint in the Star Trek movies.

C. I speak from experience when I say: No, you really don't notice until you're so far gone it's too late. Case in point, uh, now, when I tip the scales at the heaviest I've been in 15 years.

You're telling me this would happen on Jeopardy?

Here's where I waste far too much time dissecting six minutes of game show history. But hey, it beats following politics - at least in Game Show Land capitalism is still en vogue.

In the 1977 season a contestant on the Match Game had to complete the following statement: "Dumb Dora was so Dumb she sent her cultured pearls to BLANK". His answer: "school".

The first two panelists answered 'college' and were awarded a match. Charles Nelson Reilly was then rejected for the answer "Scuba Diving School" but when he complained the contestant got a point.

Follow me so far?

Then we get to the bottom row of contestants. A celebrity is awarded a match for 'Finishing School' but its quickly reversed without explanation. Then Richard Dawson's identical answer was rejected outright, and all hell broke loose.

Like the title of the post implies, you ain't gonna see this schtuff on Jeopardy. Pure. Unscripted. Unrehearsed. Genuine. Mayhem.



My take on it? The game had a longstanding rule against matching what they termed a "specific" with a "general". Meaning if you said Notre Dame and the celebrity wrote down "Cathedral", you were S.O.L. In this case "college" should have been rejected outright. The other answers could have gone either way, but by that point the judge just plain lost control.

Thus, the "School Riot".

Ugh. Kids.

Over at Bernie's blog I read that during a tantrum her daughter threw a battery through a window. A horrible thing, naturally, but I thank Bernadette profusely for publishing the fact.

Why? Because while it caused no monetary damage, my LuLu had one of THE BIGGEST AND MOST EMBARRASSING FITS EVER yesterday, and the knowledge that there are others like her in the world . . well, it's a small comfort, but I'll take it.

I went to pick the girls up from school yesterday and as usual the K4 teacher released her brood early, so I got LuLu first. I told her both Lisa and I were working and that she'd spend the evening at my Mom's. She was fine with it - happy actually.

Then YaYa came out and joined us, and while I wouldn't put it past her to torment Lu, I think what followed was a genuine slip of the tongue. YaYa mentioned that instead of spending the day at my Mom's, she'd been invited to sleep over at her cousin's apartment.

Cue LuLu's fit.

Er, wrong word. I can handle fits and hissies. The girl had a fit and a hissy and refused to come with us, running away from me time and again as if we were playing a demented game of tag.

In front of the whole parking lot full of students and parents.

I already have a complex from being the designated white thrash family of the school, the poorest of the bunch (even when I had my old job), and "that Dad that always drops the kids off five minutes late in the morning". Now, if anyone was paying the slightest attention, I'm the "Dad that is totally ignored and disrespected by his five year old".

Threats didn't work. Logic didn't work. I never tried to bribe her, I was too angry and it sets a bad precedent, but I did threaten to leave her behind. That worked . . . sorta. She'd wander over to us, then break away and run across the lot screaming.

In the end, AFTER 15 MINUTES, I caught hold of her, lifted her over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and loaded her into the car.

For anyone who did view this scene, yes, she is still alive and well. It's not necessarily my preferred choice, but there are all those pesky laws and Commandments and all. But her behavior will change. Guaranteed.

Ugh. Sometimes life sucks.

American Idol/Fashion Show

Wow. We didn't have a chance to watch the AI elimination show until about 10 p.m tonight, but it was a doozy. Kris was the weakest of the bunch and doesn't have the vocal chops to compete at this point, and yet he coasted through.

That worries me.

If Danny had been eliminated (as I was erroneously told Wednesday) I'd have stopped watching. Not out of hometown loyalty or outrage, but because it meant the last remaining hope to knock off Adam was gone. Now a small part of my head is concerned that Kris might capture the crown in ridiculous Taylor Hicks fashion, leaving better singers - Adam and Danny - out in the cold.

Tomorrow is Danny Gokey day here in Milwaukee, btw. Take a gander at the Journal website for more info and an itinerary.

* * *

Oh, one last thing. Allison's farewell song was THE BEST SUCH PERFORMANCE EVER. Full of emotion, power, confidence, and soul. Well done.

* * *

Tonight was the premiere of Bravo's The Fashion Show with Isaac Mizrahi.



You might have heard that Project Runway left Brazo in a legal huff; the last I heard it'll show up on Lifetime this fall. Bravo's The Fashion Show is, let's be frank, a knockoff of Runway.

Does that mean it's no good? No, not necessarilly. I think it has potential if it can counter a few obvious flaws. Chief among them is the lack of a Tim Gunn to stroll in and critique outfits in progress. Instead, Isaac and annoying co-host Kelly Rowland keep mum and snipe in private. Not good, as some of the designers need direction, and more importantly the audience needs to be clued in on what's what in the sewing room.

Still, there's a lot to like and a lot of personalites in play. We'll definitely give it a shot for a few weeks.

Quote of the Day

It's a beautiful day here in Milwaukee, warm and sunny but not so hot that you break into a sweat (unless you want to). Overall its been very low-key, and I've spent most of it driving my sister around town as payment for babysitting. The only exciting moment so far today (other than The Match Game - natch!)was when the mailman arrived hours early and caught a glimpse of Lisa's boobs as she changed.

"Dude, he was scoping out your t**s!" I told her.

"Was he?"

"Yeah"

"Good," she said. "Nice to know they're still popular."

* * * *


Well then. I had intended this post as a nice, family friendly collection of misc. items that don't warrant a post of their own. Eh, that won't work anyway, as I'm about to have to go chase the baby around the kitchen. Briefly:

1. Ginger is now babbling constantly, has learned the word 'no' and practices it often, can say Smiley and LuLu's names, and constructed a three word sentence the other day in her crib: "Dada baby up!"

2. I replaced YaYa's fish. At 1 am last night she woke me up as she attempted to keep Angelcakes from raiding the fishbowl on her dresser. When she kicked Angel out of her room - robbing her of her prized sleeping position next to YaYa on the bed - the cat was horrified and cried nonstop. In the end both YaYa and Angel had to sleep in our bed, with the fish safely locked alone in her room.

American Zombie

Whatever you may think of the casual tone I write with on Slapinions, rest assured I'm the same guy who regularly cranked out thesis papers galore. That includes one monster that was distributed in graduate classes by a professor who used it as an example of 'ideal post-grad work'.

Point being, I can spin the academic lingo, which can at times include a heavy dose of bullshit. If need be I can wax poetic on how vitally important wax paper has been to the development of the American judicial system in western Maine, or how necessary Scooby Doo was for the establishment of feminist thought in Nebraska.

Eh, it's a gift.

But I can't, I just CANNOT, come up with a deep and symbolic interpretation for any bit of this gawdawful film.

American Zombie is a mockumentary about Zombies trying to 'make it' in the realm of everyday American life. Around the time you wake up from the second or third nap you take watching it, the film crew runs into trouble at an all-Zombie retreat and it morphs into a ho-hum horror movie.

On Amazon you'll find someone in academia who tried, ever so hard, to make this all fit into a neat, tidy, intentional work of 'deep' art.

Bullshit. It was a catchy idea rendered dull and senseless by a bunch of Zombies who are not funny, entertaining, scary, or for that matter even very Zombie-like.

Please, for the love of God, leave this movie on the shelf.

1.0 out of 4