Barry Bonds, Loser

Oh, you had to know I couldn’t resist the chance to get a jab in at Barry Bonds.

It’s a given really, seeing as I like the man as much as I do the clap. It’s never really been a secret.

Even so, I want to take a moment and explain myself.

Most people despise Bonds because he’s an arrogant, cocky, self-righteous S.O.B. that could care less if some fat white guy in Milwaukee doesn’t like him - or anyone for that matter.

That doesn’t bother me. In fact I kind of like it. I was a big fan of Albert Belle, too, and he was no saint. Hell, Ty Cobb killed people, for Pete’s sake.

[Granted, Bonds refusing to sign tshirts for a children’s cancer clinic because ‘I don’t sign autographs for white people” pushes the envelope a tad]

Nope, I don’t like him because, as sappy as it sounds, he’s a cancer on the best sport around.

It’s one thing for some schmuck to cheat here and there. Immoral as it may be, I don’t think the four extra home runs Alex Diaz hit on ‘roids makes all that much of a difference to the world.

But when you take one of the best players ever, juice him up on steroids for years, and find yourself about to crown a new all-time home run champion - well, then I have a problem.

Records are important. They’re important because they decide who gets to have a children’s book written about them in fifty years. It’s important because they decides arguments on message boards and in drunken bar room discussions.

It means something, damnit.

And here we go, about to hand the title of all-time homerun champion to a chronic juicer.

The book Game of Shadows details years of habitual steroid abuse, all geared towards adding power to his game. Well, mission achieved buddy.

The reporters who wrote the book spent two years compiling interviews, reviewing sealed and public court records, and examining the testimony of those involved in the BALCO controversy.

It’s already been excerpted in Sports Illustrated and has prompted the commissioner to announce he’s investigating the claims.

No matter what happens, Bonds’ legacy is forever tainted.

Whoopee.

Without concrete action from MLB it means nothing. Publicly he will still be regarded as one of the greats, and with time the memory of the steroid allegations will fade. People still recall the sins of Shoeless Joe and Pete Rose because MLB make it part of what you remember.

I’m not even sure that’s possible in this case.

Most of the steroid use took place before MLB enacted a firm policy, and unless he fails a test I think the commissioner’s hands are tied.

Here’s what I’m hoping for: either the commissioner risks it all and oversteps his bounds to punish Bonds.

That, or I wake up one morning to news that a mysterious ‘knee injury’ has forced Bonds into retirement.

If anything happens at all, I think it will go the latter route, with behind-the-scenes threats forcing his hand.

In conclusion, I leave you with an excerpt of my own, this one from one of The Onion’s greatest headlines “Barry Bonds Took Steroids, Reports Everyone who has ever watched Baseball”

"Everyone in our front office has known about Bonds since the 2001 season," said San Francisco-area accounts-receivable secretary Mindy Harris of McCullers and Associates, Ltd.

"People in our ninth-floor office, too, and all seven branch offices. None of us were sure exactly which kind of steroids he was on, but we were pretty sure it was the kind that causes you to gain 30 pounds of muscle in one offseason, get injured more easily, become slow-footed, shave your head to conceal your thinning hair, lash out at the media and fans, engage in violent and abrupt mood swings, grow taut tree-trunk-like neck muscles, expand your hatband by six inches, and hit 73 home runs in a single season."

Amen.