For Jonah, Napoleon Dynamite's biggest fan

News of this has been circulating in blogdom. The last - but not the first - time I saw a link to it was on Coldhearted Truth.

And no, I couldn't get it to look any prettier without spending waaay too much time on a throwaway post.

Behold, the work of the lawful rulers of Idaho:

                                                                                                                        
                                                                                        
      Be It Resolved by the Legislature of the State of Idaho:
                                                                        
         WHEREAS,  the  State of Idaho recognizes thevision, talent and creativity
      of Jared and Jerusha Hess in the writing and  production  of  "Napoleon  Dyna-
     mite"; and

  WHEREAS,  the scenic and beautiful City of Preston, County of Franklin and
      the State of Idaho are experiencing increased tourism and economic growth; and
      

WHEREAS, filmmaker Jared Hess is a native Idahoan who was educated in  the
    Idaho public school system; and
       

WHEREAS,  the  Preston  High School administration and staff, particularly
   the cafeteria staff, have enjoyed notoriety and worldwide attention; and
       

 WHEREAS, tater tots figure prominently in this film thus promoting Idaho's
   most famous export; and
      

WHEREAS,  the  friendship  between  Napoleon  and  Pedro   has   furthered
    multiethnic relationships; and
      

WHEREAS,  Uncle Rico's football skills are a testament to Idaho athletics;
   and
       

 WHEREAS, Napoleon's bicycle and Kip's skateboard promote better air  qual-
   ity  and  carpooling  as alternatives to fuel-dependent methods of transporta-
    tion; and
       

 WHEREAS, Grandma's trip to the St. Anthony Sand Dunes highlights  a  long-
   honored Idaho vacation destination; and
     

  WHEREAS,  Rico  and Kip's Tupperware sales and Deb's keychains and glamour
    shots promote entrepreneurism and self-sufficiency in Idaho's small towns; and
     

   WHEREAS, Napoleon's artistic rendition of Trisha  is  an  example  of  the
   importance of the visual arts in K-12 education; and
      

 WHEREAS,  the schoolwide Preston High School student body elections foster
    an awareness in Idaho's youth of public service and civic duty; and
       

 WHEREAS, the "Happy Hands" club and the requirement  that  candidates  for
    school  president  present  a  skit is an example of the importance of theater
    arts in K-12 education; and
       

WHEREAS, Pedro's efforts to bake a cake for Summer illustrate the positive
    connection between culinary skills to lifelong relationships; and
       

 WHEREAS, Kip's relationship with LaFawnduh is a tribute to e-commerce  and
    Idaho's technology-driven industry; and
      

  WHEREAS,  Kip  and LaFawnduh's wedding shows Idaho's commitment to healthy
    marriages; and
       

 WHEREAS, the prevalence of cooked steak as a primary food group pays trib-
    ute to Idaho's beef industry; and
      

  WHEREAS, Napoleon's tetherball  dexterity  emphasizes  the  importance  of
    physical education in Idaho public schools; and
       

 WHEREAS,  Tina  the  llama,  the  chickens with large talons, the 4-H milk
          cows, and the Honeymoon Stallion showcase Idaho's animal husbandry; and
      

  WHEREAS, any members of the House of Representatives or the Senate of  the
    Legislature  of the State of Idaho who choose to vote "Nay" on this concurrent
      resolution are "FREAKIN' IDIOTS!" and run the risk of having the "Worst Day of
     Their Lives!"

         NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED by the members of the First Regular Session  of the Fifty-eighth Idaho Legislature, the House of  Representatives  and  the Senate concurring therein, that we commend Jared and Jerusha Hess and the City of  Preston  for  showcasing the positive aspects of Idaho's youth, rural cul-
    ture, education system, athletics, economic prosperity and diversity.
       

 BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that we, the members of the  House  of  Representa-
    tives  and  the  Senate  of the State of Idaho,advocate always following your3    heart, and thus we eagerly await the next  cinematic  undertaking  of  Idaho's
   Hess family.

And lest you fear this is a waste of money: FISCAL NOTE There is no fiscal impact to the general fund.

 

More Proof of My Dorkdom

Never before in history has a man of my beauty been so prone to nerdom.

Ever since I was five or six years old I've thought about going around Milwaukee, photographing all the remaining billboards painted on the side of brick buildings.

For all I know this is a universal phenomenom, but they've disappeared in the last quarter century here.

My goal, therefore, was to record them for all time in a coffee table book before the elements destroyed them.

As it is, this is the only one I've ever shot, taken today while driving with the girls.

Parker Update April 13th

Here's a pic of Parker, age 1 month 6 days, as he held his head up long enough for me to find the camera, turn it on, and shoot four or five pics before getting this one.  Not bad for a kid his age.

He's also eating a whole lot more than his sister's ever did. Tuesday he chugged 32 ounces over the course of the day. Yikes.

And here's a pic of me sleeping with him - don't worry, he spends most of his naps in his crib.

 

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One of those forwarded email gimmicks

My Mom, of all people, sent me a cool 'FWD:' email today. 

Nothing all that grand about it, but if you enter your birthdate in the pop up window that appears when you follow the link you'll get an interesting little summary of who's older and younger than you in the world.

http://www.frontiernet.net/~cdm/age1.html

Disgustingly, Alanis Morissette is two months younger than I am. Aside from her millions, she has what - five albums? - under her belt. 

I should have fudged my birthdate.

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Congrats to Tre

On this fine Wisconsin day I'm pleased to extend congrats to my good friend Tre, who just received word that he'll be moving on to a bigger and better job.

Best of luck!

The Post about Women's Hygiene April 12th

After years of careful study I've identified the segment of the media that works to inflict the most damage on our view of women.

It isn't rap videos, and it's not The Bachelor.

It not those miscast sitcoms with the fat, homely husband and the hot young wife.

It's women's hygiene commercials.

Say there's a strapping, handsome young man - just for convenience we'll call him Dan, because it's so true to life - and somehow he's never had close contact with a female of the species.

Sadly, also true for most of my life.

Dan sits down and watches some television. In only a few hours he sees commercials for:

Assorted tampons, maxi-pads, panty liners, panty liners with wings, seven, three, and one day yeast infection cream, birth control pills, the birth control patch, feminine deodorant spray, pregnancy tests, ovulation tests, menopause treatments, perimenopause treatments, bladder control aids, osteoporosis medicine, and good old fashioned Sure deodorant.

The poor guy probably thinks women are a sickly, jumbled, smelly mess.

Why would the media want to portray a half-truth like that?

[And that's without bringing in the big guns - the constant Valtrex commercials where the attractive actress is proud to announce: "I don't let genital herpes get me down."

You go girl.

And good luck picking up a date.]

Men, on the other hand, are represented only twice: when the world's scientists make a major breakthrough in shaving technology (like, you know, adding aloe to shaving cream) and in ads for athlete's foot medicine.

I'm not too keen on imagining John Madden with an itchy burning rash, but at least the only gooey cream involved comes from a pharmacy.

Now to be fair things are out of balance. There should be a score of men's hygiene products on TV, from a patch for plumber's crack, undies immune to racing stripes, or little floating targets that give us a sporting chance in the bathroom.

[from the TMI file: forget the floating targets; the bowl cleaner on the rim of the toilet does the job just fine. It's like getting two products for the price of one!]

It's not just about numbers though. It's the way women's products are presented.

If I were to wake up one morning and find things out of sorts you-know-where, I would not ask a friend for product advice over a warm cup of tea. I would not consult my parents, my clergy, or my alderman.

Frankly, unless there was a danger of amputation, I would be loathe to tell a doctor.

You can chalk this up to male pig-headness all you want. You can say that men are not comfortable with their body, or that they are emotionally inhibited and incapable of true friendship.

Well I'm plenty comfortable with my body - after all, no one else wants it - and I know the meaning of true friendship,

It means I'd slap any friend who told me about the wonders of new odor-free Stayfree.

Frankly, women are too comfortable discussing this stuff. What focus group thought to invade a grocery store and ask women about their feminine odor? Who are these people, and why are they massaging a maxi-pad during my dinner?

I've been married a long time. I've been sent out to buy enough of these products to keep an all-girls school stocked for a semester. With two daughters I know it'll only get worse.

What I ask, I ask not for myself, but for the image of women everywhere:

If you have to advertise the stuff, can you do it when I'm not watching?

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Okay, I goofed

I think I screwed myself. A few days ago I tinkered with my journal and  made it 'private' for all of maybe an hour. 
 
Thatmishap ended any automatic feeds that were linked to the journal through AOL itself. 
 
If I'm wrong, or if you never had one, then ignore this post.

But if you once received email updates from Slapinions, you'll have to sign up all over again.

Sorry

 

Update from AOL

In my earlier post about AOL Journals I mentioned an AOL-Staffer's website that skirted one of AOL's ugliest features. I wrote this member asking how to do it myself.

Here's her answer:

Good afternoon, Dan. Thanks for your email. This was a unique Journal we did specifically for the NetGirl blog. AOL is working on the product so that members like yourself can add more "personality" to your Journal. More information should be available at KW Journals in the upcoming months. If you have any more questions or comments feel free to email me.   Sincerely,   -----  

Okay, so I was wrong. But I'm sending her a link to my post to get my input heard by the powers-that-be.          

WYMS

Here in Milwaukee WMYS (88.9 FM) plays jazz - actual jazz, not watered down pop or glorified elevator music.

Well, times they are a'changing.

 Q: Will you end the current jazz programming and other shows now on WYMS?

A:  The jazz-only format and other shows will not continue. With satellite and Internet radio, every type of specialized music and ethnic programming is available for little or no cost.

 

     We do expect that urban music including some jazz will part of our diverse mix of music. And we hope to ease the transition to the new format by helping fans of the jazz-only format to locate alternative sources.

 

If you live outside of Wisconsin, please realize this: Milwaukee radio sucks

No matter what station you put on you'll hear the same stuff four times during any work shift.   WYMS was a nice little alternative, but it's going bye bye.   If you're in Milwaukee and a jazz fan, man you've gotta let them hear from you.

 And if you're in the area and don't care at all about jazz, look at this as your one rebellion against the corporate atmosphere on your radio dial.    

It might not be possible . . .

One of my favorite 'fridge art' comics. This edition of Hagar the Horrible says a lot about how the world really works.

BTW, the 'blank' entries aren't a mistake - I'm planning a big sidestep of an AOL limitation. If it works, you'll know in about a month. Otherwise they will quietly disappear with no one the wiser.

The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became an Evil Overlord

My buddy Tre sent me a link to this in an email:

"Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...

The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord "

While the author gives folks the right to reprint it, it's a mite too long for me. Check it out here instead.

My favorites?

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

And from a secondary list:

I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

Comments on Blog Explosion

Current comments Good site, very well written. mgrace74 | 15:15 March 13th, 2005 | 0 Replies | Report | Delete Gave you a 10, thanks for blog marking me. ~ Raven Raven36 | 18:38 January 26th, 2005 | 0 Replies | Report | Delete Good blog keep up the good work ^_^ zeldaslife | 19:53 January 23rd, 2005 | 0 Replies | Report | Delete All around nice blog. Funny, but not mean spirited. Often well reasoned, sometimes on point, minimally incoherent. If this blog was a young man and I had a daughter, they could date (supervised of course). Supreme Leader of Blogosphere dailybuzz | 07:11 January 18th, 2005 | 0 Replies | Report | Delete Tried posting from your site but couldn't. I just wanted to say thank you very much for the kind comment you left earlier today. Send your wife my regards and thanks as well :) JeniT | 05:52 January 9th, 2005 | 0 Replies | Report | Delete Damn! You beat me to the NKOTB post! I was going to post an NKOTB story! :) kaonashi | 21:15 December 28th, 2004 | 0 Replies | Report | Delete I am impressed with how much you read! bernie1b | 15:13 December 22nd, 2004 | 0 Replies | Report | Delete Looks pretty good. Keep up the good work, man. ThaSickness | 17:14 December 11th, 2004 | 0 Replies | Report | Delete You can only comment if you have an AOL account, which I don't, but I liked your Giambi post. Pretty gross the way they screw up their bodies. What the hell do guys that make 100K on the bench need a union for? purplezebra | 00:25 December 4th, 2004 | 0 Replies | Report | Delete I agree with the second comment amb3589 | 20:37 December 3rd, 2004 | 0 Replies | Report | Delete I was not able to comment on your post "The One about Giambi" I just wanted to leave a comment to say I agree 100%. I really think that all of his health problems are due to steroids. I hope that the health issue becomes the big thing in all of this. Life and death is certainly bigger than baseball, and this truely is a life and death issue... PeterMan | 17:02 December 3rd, 2004 | 0 Replies | Report | Delete I agree with the first comment. Mainly political blog, but not insulting like many other political blogs I've run into. I suggest changing the comment format, since it forces you to sign up for an AOL Journals account. I myself recently switched from a members-only comment account (Blogger) to the universal Halocan, and I've found that people are more willing to comment on my posts now. Oh, and you must be the only other person on Earth besides me who knows about Donnie Wahlberg's rap from "No More Games"! I presume you're talking about the original version of "No More Games", not the C&C Music Factory version... kaonashi | 22:53 November 29th, 2004 | 0 Replies | Report | Delete Very well written blog. Largely concerned with politcs, but doesn't rant. Content with about a PG-13 content for very light adult references. (Things like "Yoda" sex comments.) Oftencold | 02:26 November 22nd, 2004 | 0 Replies | Report | Delete Add comment Comment Max 255 characters Check to get notification by email on reply

Welcome to Slapinions!

I started Slapinions just after the '04 Presidential election, when I was still in full-throttle campaign mode.

In fact the first post wasn't even original, just a copy of an email I'd sent out to some very bored family members about the election results.

So it's understandable that the first few months of the site featured a strong political bent - I did articles on Colin Powell, Yasser Arafat, Time's selection of Dubya as Person of the Year, the Kerrik fiasco, and more.

It didn't take long for the focus of the site to shift more towards family based humor, but to tell you the truth I felt a little guilty when I didn't write about politics. Pompous as it may sound, I thought I was betraying my readers.

Thankfully neither one seemed to care.

So I settled into a comfortable routine of writing about whatever popped into my head.

There were articles on sports (the NBA brawl,the 2005 MLB season).

There were a few about books (my favorite authors)

There was a four-part summary of my trip to D.C. for the Inauguration (1,2,3,4)

There were posts on current events (the reserves, Chai Soua Vang, scandals in the Milwaukee Police Department)

There were children's stories (the coffin tale, Why Snow hates Cars)

There were posts that comically explored my philosophy of life (my ideology pt 1, pt 2, New Years resolutions, my birthday)

There were posts about my terrifying fear of mice (my neighbors have mice)

There were posts that confirmed my knack for writing tributes/eulogies (The Pope, my paternal grandfather, Artie Shaw, Kurt Cobain)  

There were attempts at photoblogging (billboards, snowstorm, lights, storm)  

And then my son was born.

Part of me is ashamed to say that his birth turned Slapinions into an occasional daddy blog.

The other part of me just thinks my kids are cute.

Whereas I'd always written about the family and/or kids, after March you could find posts about prepping for the newborn (nursery, bunk beds), my son's birth and intro to his sisters,family outings (zoo, Domes), events (baptism, dance recital) and plain boring details about our daily life.  

Of them all I'd rank the following as my favorites:  

The One about GOP - yes, my children's initials spell out GOP. A humorous post about the paranoid reactions to my 'conspiracy' to brainwash my children . . .  

The One about the Mouse - 6'3" tall, 300 pounds - and I'm cry like a ninny when I see a mouse.  

The Tsunami - reproduced in full on another site, I think this post on the disaster is worth reading  

Fr. Yaniak - the passing of an old family friend  

The Swingset - the dangers of having me and a screwdriver in the same zip code  

Jason Giambi - my favorite sport, and a post that for whatever reason generated the first real reaction from readers  

The One about the evil work of Donnie Osmond - the title says it all

I'm glad I started this blog. It's been an occasional pain in the keister, but by and large it's been a blast.  

I hope you enjoy it too.

 

Dan

ps. Some of these posts were written before I added comments to the site; if you wish to comment on any of them, click here.

Blogroll

What follows is a list of  web sites that have bookmarked me on Blog Explosion and/or blogrolled me on their site the old fashioned way.

Two things about this list are interesting: one, it isn't your typical tit-for-tat, because until today I didn't have a blogroll. There was no reason for them to feel obliged to do what they did. (ditto for most of the blogmarks) 

Second, it's an awfully diverse group - conservatives and liberals, writers and mom's, musicians and paranormal investigators.

I'm happy my work's appealed to that many people, and I want to offer a belated thank you to all of them.

However, Blog Clicker can kiss my pimply behind, as not one BC member has blogmarked me through their service.

Not that I'm bitter.

Anyhow, take a look at the links below, and tell 'em Slapinions sent you.

 

Random - a fine AOL Journal, long since listed on my favorite places.

NotQuitebutAlmost 

GJ Willis' Art Notes - The Adventures and Misadventures of a Neer Do Well Artist Living in Baltimore.

Whymrhymer 101 - The honest comments and observations of an opinionated, free-thinking, well-seasoned student of the world. Or so he says. :)

The Roth Report - a Drudge-Report type site that includes blogs as sources

Vandamonium's World

The Least of My Worries -

NIF - this one holds a special place in my blogging heart, as it's linked to my articles on at least three occasions

WildWriter

The people all watching, enjoying a good laugh  - I'm a live music lover, who just recently married the love of my life. Am returning to full time work after a 2 year hiatus due to health problems

TV is my Drug of Choice -

Strong Coffee - Struggling to Stay Awake Long Enough to Raise Kidsand Evolve as a Writer

Quotes and Other Words - Quite a few years ago I started collecting quotes from books I read. I wanted to share my favorites with you all, hence this blog. Enjoy

The Sporting Life -

different biscuit, same tin

I didn't buy more yarn, Honey - Living life hanging by a thread...from rapidly unravelling skeins of yarn. ~Marriage, motherhood, music, Multiple Sclerosis, and above all the thing that keeps me sane, crochet.

The Apologist - Writer CW Fisher explains the inexplicable: love, hate, sex, death and the purpose of other people.

And Rightly So -

The Prismatic Dragon

<AHREF="HTTP: ? weblog www.frozenmojo.com>Frozen Mojo -

INDUSTRIAL WASTE - Hi, my name's Penn. I'm a 16 year-old Libertarian and a proud American living in Singapore, who enjoys politics and has a (slightly unhealthy) passion for the Internet.

Old Whig's Brain Dump -

OftenCold - he moved from Florida to Alaska, yet he still argues that he's sane

The Donegal Express -

Blog Cruiser - A blog to write opinions and ratings on blogs, bloggers and blogging. Add your comments or become a member of the team at this corner of the blog world. Scouting the blogosphere for its own stars and news!

About a Boy - My name is Matthew and I live in Hertfordshire, UK. I was born on 12th January 2005 at 21:32. I weighed 8lb 7oz. I am now considerably bigger than that.

You can hear the Grass Grow - Reflections From a Christian Aspie

I hate Pat Robertson - I guess the title speaks for itself

Conservative thoughts  - I have been doing a lot of reading during this election period of other people's thoughts. I have also done a lot of defending of my own conservative ideas. So I thought that I would create a place where I could write those ideas down.

Mug Round Poetry Zine

Lintefiniel Musing (formerly Jen Speaks!)

Mystic Writer

I See Dead People - life as a professional psychic and paranormal investigator

One Child Left Behind - Yes, Jesus loves me, but it's not what you think.

Ed Adkins Dot Com - funny, funny blog

God's Last Twilight - novel written on a blog

Musings of a Thoughtful Conservative - Southeastern Wisconsin based blogger

The Daily Grind - liberal blogger

Crate Obscure -

Cao's Blog - blodom famous site

You Know My Story/Wasted Life

AlphaWoman's Blog - very nice, well done AOL Journal

LS Blogs - Blog search engine

God Dem - liberal site that seems to mix religion with the Democratic Party

The Cave - reposted my article on the tsunami

Through My Lens -

Mumbo-Jumbo from the Mind of a Mild-Mannered Madman

Koolsbaby's Modblog

The Second Post about my Ideology April 8th

Several months ago I wrote a senseless little ditty about my personal ideology.

Now, if you 're inclined to believe my sarcastic and occasionally shifty writing, I published it because it was important to know what an author "truly believed about the things that mattered."

Yeah.

In other words, I was stumped and discovered a neat way to fill space.

Déjà vu, baby.

In my defense, however, you can glean bits and pieces of a man's character from the tidbits I covered: Do I prefer The Godfather or Scarface? DC or Marvel? Conan or Leno?

By my choice of the Godfather you can tell I have a love of epic drama and family loyalty.

By my preference for DC you can assume I'm a traditionalist.

And by choosing Conan you can safely say I have a fetish for tall slim men with red hair. . .

Okay, maybe my theory has a few holes.

But it still fills up a page.

So, may I present to you My Rambling List of Personal Ideology, Ranging from the Divine to the Absurd, with Little Order and Even Less Sense, vol. Two.

I do not believe in fortune-telling or the zodiac.

Even so, I am a Pisces who often has big, creative dreams with little to show for it. And shortly before our introduction a psychic dismissed my wife's hopes for her current beau. Instead, she said my wife would soon meet and marry a very large dark haired man with a strong ethnic background.

Said psychic did not, however, mention my near constant plumbers crack.

I believe raising a child is by far the hardest job in the world.

I think that somewhere in this vast universe there exists other intelligent life, but I refuse to believe they confine their visits to people named Dwayne and Elmira.

Toilet paper rolls should be loaded overhand.

This is not up for debate.

I would take a beat-up Ford over a new Chevy any day.

Fifty years ago a Disney movie featured a wicked queen who demanded the heart of her stepdaughter in a box, a bunch of armed dwarves that chased the queen to her death, and a morbid funeral vigil.

Now kids grow up watching cartoons where no one is hurt, not even if Cobra Commander shoots down their plane in the middle of a battle.

Yet which group seemsmore violent to you?

I prefer Star Trek to Star Wars, but admit that Lucas' epics were cool - when I was eight.

I have no problem eating cows, fish, or pigs, but chicken bones freak me out.

The income tax didn't kick in until around WWI. How did the government make money before that, and why can't we ask for a do-over?

I can't remember the last time I had sex with the lights off.

At one time, I was bitter that Elmo so completely took over as Sesame Street's king.

I love Tony Randall, but I never bought the idea that Felix Unger was straight.

I prefer plastic to paper, and look down upon those indecisive peons who answer 'paper and plastic'.

If eliminating carbs is truly the key to weight loss, I'm screwed.

Given the chance, I know Jo Frost, aka Supernanny, would choose to stay in my 'naughty corner' all night long.

I think the character of Jack on Lost is the epitome of who I'd like my son to be.

I believe 'smooth jazz' is to jazz what show tunes are to death metal.

And, finally, and most importantly:

Forget asteroids. Worry about the super volcano under Yellowstone.

 

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How to Improve AOL Journals, if anyone is listening

 To my fellow AOL Journal users, and to any and all AOL staff members who may be screening this on behalf of Homeland Security:  

My General Beefs with AOL Journals, and some Ideas on How to Improve Them

  1. Clean up the url's.  Is leading off the url with journals.aol.com really necessary?   Shouldn't the emphasis be on the author of the page, and the ideas they want to get across?   

  Slapinions.journals.aol.com is still long-winded, but would be a vast upgrade.     

And I see no reason, in this security conscious world, that an authors screename (and therefore his/her email address) be force-fed into the url.  

 2. Compromise between ease of use and creative control.   I like how simple it is to add a blogroll, and once you get the hang of it adding pics is pretty easy on the gray matter too. I very much like being able to IM or phone in a post.

  But short of sidestepping (cheating) the rules by various methods, there is no way to add the harmless collection of personal banners, countdown charts, etc. that bloggers on other services love. And why a measly character limit on the about me section?  

 3 Make the comments user-friendly  Right now, only AOL or AIM users can register a comment. (and frankly, when I check the site from other locations, I have trouble accessing the comments from AIM).  

Sure, it's wonderful to hear from other AOL members. But after 10000 hits and very few comments I figured a way to sidestep the issue by adding my own comments service (sort-of).     My first post after that brought 4 comments from 50 hits, none of them AOL users.    

 Dontcha think it's advertising the breadth and ease of AOL when a Journal attracts an audience outside of the service? Wouldn't it be in AOL's best interest to help that along? And if you feel the need, throw down an AOL banner on the journal to make sure visitors know who's king of the net.  

 4. Where's the help? Outside of some very basic official help available when starting out, I've relied on innovative Journals like Pam, Random, and Patrick's Place to help me over the rough patches. There should be a comprehensive, universally known and accepted help options for the Journals.

  5. Look, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings .. . but the folks who designed the color schemes for the Journals need to put down their crayons. I mean, who comes up with this:  [item removed temp.]

  Even if you go with 'advanced' controls and tweak it yourself, you are left with that ugly white sash across the top of my page. Why not let users add graphics or a title bar to that area?  

 BTW - I know that's possible, because some personal journals run by admitted AOL staffers do the impossible and pimp out that space.     Poor form to allow that to happen while paying customers are left behind.  

This is just my personal wish list. Let me know if anyone has something to add.   Dan/Slapinions

The Post about Kurt Cobain April 5th - 11 years later

Eleven years ago today - as best the medical examiner could determine - Kurt Donald Cobain died.

His death was officially recorded as a suicide, and despite great efforts to prove otherwise, it probably was.

[Yet questions remain. Not the least of them how a man injects a dose of heroin large enough to kill instantaneously, yet still finds the time and strength to roll down and button his sleeve, store his paraphernalia, and pick up and use a shotgun]

Whatever the method, his death was a tragedy.

A tragedy for his infant daughter, who has spent her life spinning memories of her father from what she sees and reads about his career.

A tragedy for his fans, who were denied the gift of his talent -and the dozens who mourned his death by following in his footsteps.

And a tragedy for Kurt himself, whose memory and music are now horribly intertwined with a macabre death.

That quite frankly, is obscene.

Obscene because everything you see and hear about Kurt and Nirvana is viewed through the lens of his death. People refuse to think of him as anything but a character in an art house movie, where every scene and every line of dialog has to foreshadow the end:

• MTV turned Unplugged in New York into a funeral dirge when the station played it endlessly after his death.

Never mind that it was one of the most innovative and enjoyable concerts of the series.

• Biographies of the band read like psychology texts, probing and engorging any event for a clue to the suicide.
• The lyrics are dissected and robbed of context. Why? to find a line that has no literal connection to what occurred, but which proves too tasty a quote for some authors to ignore.

Enough.

Go fire up your stereo and listen to Nevermind, their breakthrough album that knocked Michael Jackson from the #1 slot and ended the reign of Michael Bolton and New Kids on the Block.*

Tell me On a Plain, Lithium, or God forbid Smells Like Teen Spirit are anything but joyous anthems of Generation X.

Or their follow up album In Utero: darker, with less concession to commercial demands, but rife with memorable hooks. From the opening notes of Heart Shaped Box to the relentless attack of Scentless Apprentice, this was not the work of a man who had given up hope and abandoned what was important to him.

Of course Nirvana wasn't the The Judds, and not every song was suitable for a child's birthday party.

But I often wonder how much of that was Kurt just living up to his billing. For a man who allegedly hated the limelight, he certainly sought it out enough. He seemed to recognize this contradiction in himself:

Teenage angst has paid off well

but now I'm bored and old . . .

It may be hypocritical, given that I'm choosing to honor him on the annniversary of his death, but I prefer to forget how it ended and concentrate on the things that made me love his music in the first place.

Ear shattering drums that made your speakers quake. Bass lines that refused to quietly submit to a subordinate role, and in fact led the charge on most songs. Guitar that could be manic one second and controlled and subtle the next, with solos that were truly part of a song, not an excuse to write one. Vocals that were raw emotion, with lyrics that gained their strength and context as they wrapped themselves around the music.

That was Nirvana.

And that was Kurt Cobain.

 

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*long time readers will know what a bittersweet,double-edged sword it is to say that

Happy Birthday to my Mom

Today is my Mother's birthday.

Let's see. If I carry the one and add the remainder - well, for politeness sake we'll leave out her actual age.

But a happy birthday to her, a big thank you for thirty-one years of Everything under the Sun, and a hope for many, many more.

The Post about the 2005 MLB Season April 3rd

                             

Baseball season starts today, and I just don’t seem to care.

I should explain how much of a fan I am so you grasp the depth of this revelation, but let’s leave it at this:

I came to love baseball late, at eighteen, and approach the game with the zeal normally reserved for a convert to the Lord.

Except this year.

Some of it is related to the Brewers disgusting collapse last season.

After more than a decade of losing seasons the hometown boys played solid, occasionally impressive ball for most of the year. For the first time in memory I thought they’d finish with a winning record, .500 at worst.

Instead, they tanked.

Spectacularly.

They not only couldn’t win, they lost in ways that made a grown man cry.

If they‘d began the season playing like bums - which had become sort of a local tradition, like Bratwurst and beer - it’d all be gravy, baby. But last year ruined it for me.

Forget the expanded payroll, the new owner, and the addition of Carlos Lee. They could be twelve games above .500 with eleven games to play and I’d wager on another losing season.

Damn them.

Then there’s the Red Sox.

I’m sure most of America is still gaga over their win. How anyone can be in love with a team that lost and lost . . . and lost for more than eighty years boggles my mind.

It’s like rooting for France, for cripes sake.

And the manner of their win: not only did they come back from a 3-0 deficit to beat my beloved Yanks, they also swept a juggernaut of a team in the Series. All on the back of a guy who shouldn‘t have been able to walk, much less pitch.

Ugh.

Then of course, there’s the whole steroids scandal.

I’ve written about that subject before, so I’ll spare you the details of my angst.

But this year there’s an added bonus: the king of ‘roids, Barry Bonds, is poised to pass Babe Ruth on the career home run list.

I know,nothing’s been proved.

Sure he admitted ‘accidentally’ using a steroid (betcha wish you’d used it on your knees, eh Barry?), and yeah, his mistress and others have pegged him as a user going all the way back to ‘99, but that doesn’t prove anything.

Two things bother me: one, he was already a great player before he decided to become a freak. He just wasn’t a power hitter.

Bonds was a player that single-handedly changed the outcome of games when he was clean. Add steroids to the mix and you have one man determining the winner in maybe a dozen games a year.

The Giants made it to the World Series in 2002 by the hair on their chin.

Without steroids, would the Giants have made it that far? Who really deserved to play that October? What great stories never came to pass because the heroes of the day were left to watch the Series on TV?

Second, the home run records are the Holy Grail of baseball. Folks will know that Bonds records are illusionary - now.

But a hundred years from now kids will look at the record and see Bonds name without knowing its context.

It’s not up there with God and Country, but it matters to me.

Part of me just wants to ignore the whole season, but that’s impossible.

I’ll be drawn into the drama, the pennant races, and the inevitable collapse of the Brewers.

And I’ll enjoy the whole dang thing.

I just won’t admit it.

 

Btw, former Brewer Alex Sanchez was just named the first player to be hit by MLB's new steroid policy ... as predicted, to show its teeth someone would go down - just not a star.

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The Post about John Paul II April 2nd

I have two very clear, very early memories about Pope John Paul II.

The first didn't directly involve him, but it changed the world.

I was four years old when my father took my sisters and I for a walk in the park. A half-block from home I could see my Mother crying on the porch.

From there she yelled the news to my father: Pope John Paul was dead.

The second memory is from when I was in first grade, and the principal of my Catholic school made a PA announcement.

In a short statement interrupted by her sobs, she told us Pope John Paul II had been shot in an assassination attempt. She asked us to pray for him, and for the man who shot him.

I remember no such reaction when Reagan was shot that year.

Today, the man who has been Pontiff for twenty-seven of my thirty-one years lies dying.

To a non-Catholic - and to many in the faith - the impact of his impending death must seem mystifying.

After all, he is just a man. A good man, and an influential one, but in the end just a man.

I agree.

I don't hold him to any special standard of humanity. I admire him, I respect his office and what it stands for, and I acknowledge him as my spiritual leader.

I don't think he's secured special favor with God simply by holding office.

I think his life guaranteed it.

He was born Karol Wojtyla in Poland in 1920. He secretly studied for the priesthood under the weight of WWII's Nazi occupation and rose to Cardinal under the equally repugnant rule of Communism.

He was the first non-Italian Pope in over four centuries, a learned scholar who spoke eight languages fluently, and a traveler who had seen more of the world and its people than any of his predecessors had.

He established diplomatic ties with Israel, met with the same Communist leaders who once denied his God, exchanged ambassadors with the US, and led the Church into its third millennium.

All of that is fodder for historians to ponder. What made him so appealing to me was something he had no control over: his nationality.

Even now - and I'm a hundred years removed from the old country - I'm proud that a strong, passionate Pope shared my heritage.

To have the honor of growing up in a time when Poles were leading the fight against communism behind the Iron Curtain while a strong and vigorous Polish Pope sat in the Vatican - well, it was almost enough towrite off all those lame Polish jokes as mere jealousy.

To be sure, not everyone is a fan. I once read a scathing attack in which the author thought a natural but painful death for the pontiff would be just 'retribution' for his policy on euthanasia.

In a similar vein, I've heard him called anti-woman, because apparently a sincere moral opposition to abortion can be nothing less.

I don't agree with everything the Pope's believed and preached, most recently his stance against US military actions.

Yet I can recognize a sincere and consistent philosophy: that life, in all its forms, is too precious to waste; too strong to be trampled by a mad dictator or suffocated by communism.

It was a philosophy he held dear. To the end he lived by that creed, handling his slow decline with grace and resoluteness.

I doubt I'll ever see a Pope of his caliber again.

I will pray for him, and I'll mourn the news of his passing.

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Additional Reading:

How the Pope Helped Break Communism

The Pope of Popes

Two pieces of News

Two very diverse topics here.

First, The Smoking Gun reports that American Idol contestant Scott Savol has a history of domestic violence, something that may render him ineligible to continue in the competition.

Eventually, I'll have to post about the only TV show that I take care never to miss.

Secondly, my Mother called to tell me that the Pope's heart stopped and that he was revived but is currently in a coma. Some online news agencies are hesitating on this as there are conflicting reports.

I know to many people, including Catholics, this is no big deal.

I'm not one of them.

My prayers go out to him.

Terry Schiavo is Dead

I just heard the news and offer my prayers to her and her family.

 It's alarming how society just wanted her out of the way. The quicker she died, the quicker we could go on pretending we had all the answers to the ethical dilemas medicine has created.

 

 

The Post about the Zoo March 30th

I didn’t plan on going to the zoo today.

I didn’t plan on taking five kids.

I didn’t plan on severe thunderstorms making a beeline for Milwaukee County.

But then again, I did plan on traveling the world after college.

Since we all know how that turned out, it only makes sense that an unplanned, haphazard trip wound up being a success.

Spurred on by a half-forgotten email about reduced fares, my wife decided at 11 o’clock we were going to pay the rhinos a visit.

Which was easier said then done. My eldest was still at a friends house following a sleepover, and the rest of the clan had spent the night at my mother’s.

So we swung by my Mom’s and picked up my daughter, but left Parker behind. What was a three week old going to do at the zoo other than sleep?

In exchange we picked up both of my sister’s daughters.

Then it was on to pick up my oldest.

Where we added another kid, her five-year old friend.

Get rid of one, pick up three. Interesting math.

I’ll let you in on a little secret. While the Milwaukee County Zoo may be one of the best, most progressive zoos around, it bores me to tears.

Just like the museum, I made a trip or two to the zoo every year of my childhood. Maybe there’s someone out there who can pick up subtle differences from year to year, but as far as I can tell it’s the same elephants eating the same hay and making the same steaming piles of waste as the ones I saw 20 years ago.

In addition, maybe the zoo’s cheaper than most, but to my mind the mob’s gotta have a hand in it.

Even on a ‘reduced fare’ day the cost is prohibitive. And the cost of food/beverages/rides? Just sign over your paycheck and be done with it.

But the kids, they love it. And for them, it’s worth it.

The primate house continues to be the universal favorite (although to my eldest’s disappointment, there was no repeat of the gorilla-who-ate-his own vomit.) My middle child adored the aquarium, and I dug the elephants.

But to my wife’s disappointment, the big cat exhibit was closed. As was the petting zoo, the goat-feeding yard, and a bunch of other stuff.

There’s always a reason for reduced fare days.

But the kids loved playing on the playground next to the empty goat yard, and they adored what animals they did see.

The highlight for me? We loaded four of the girls into the double stroller, making it heavy as all get out. But in response to the girls’ cries of ‘faster faster!’ I ran - yes ran - the stroller down a roadway and up the length of a hill.

Normally you don’t see 300 pounds move that quickly outside of the bear exhibit.

We capped it off with a trip on the carousel and an in-depth examination of a stray ladybug, then headed home.

But not before a bought a one year family pass.

What can I say, it’s not that bad of a place to spend a day.

Oh, and by the way - the T-storms held off until we were at home.

Like I said, it only makes sense that an unplanned, haphazard trip wound up being a success.

 

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What is this, a photo blog?

If my new camera was a woman I'd buy her a ring.

This is a pic of a doozy of an impending storm, taken on Milwaukee's northwest side around four p.m.

Shame the pic quality has to be reduced to fit on the site, but whatcha gonna do?

The Trip with All the Kids March 28th

Fair Warning: This is one of those sappy parenting orientated posts that are really just an excuse to avoid scrapbooking. Read at your peril.

Today, in exchange for getting out of cleaning the house, and to honor a promise to my daughter over her spring break, I took my three rugrats and their three cousins  on a road trip to some local sites.

Alone, without any other adults. Yikes!

The Mitchell Park Conservatory - which is something it's never called, it's The Domes for cripes sakes - are three conoidal glass domes that have been a Milwaukee landmark since the '60's.

There's a desert dome

 a jungle one,

and a temperate dome that rotates through different themes throughout the year.

My Dad, if memory serves, worked there before he went to Vietnam, and I've probably seen the things a hundred times.

This was the third trip for my eldest - we went there on Sept 11, 2002 when many city landmarks were free in honor of 9/11 - and once last fall with my youngest daughter along.

 This, naturally, was Parkers first trip.

It went suprisingly smooth, despite having the Brady Bunch along. The eldest denied remembering the place, but suddenly remembered an obscure donated art project that's tucked into a corner of a dome. The search for this art class globe was one of the centerpieces of the expedition.

Afterwards, the kids enjoyed running in the drained pool outside and called me over to tell me they'd found the 'rest of the water' - a puddle that had formed over a drain cover.

I tried taking them on a tour of a firehouse, but unlikemy childhood, the firefighter told me I'd have to clear a tour with the bigwigs downtown. Not today, folks.

So I went throught the KFC drive-thru, and took the gang down to Miller Park, home of the Milwaukee Brewers.

On this gorgeous spring day we picniced in the shadow of the stadium, then spent a good half-hour playing on the elaborate jungle gym that can be found by home plate.

 

 

Still on the plate for this spring break week: No, not Daytona. A visit to a firehouse, a sleepover, Betty Brinn Children's museum, and (hopefully) some rest.

Hope your Easter went well.

 

Ps. Thanks to Jonah for taking many of the pics along the way. Good job!

ps2. Over Easter a neighbors soccer ball got stuck in Jonah's tree, and he was kind enough to leave the festivites to climb the tree and retrieve it. Here's a pic, which is cool enough I felt forced to tack it on to this post.