Quotes of the Day - LuLu Version

I was sitting on the couch tonight when LuLu came up to me.

"Daddy, do you know what time it is?", she asked.

"No," I said.

"It's FARTY time," she said, then jumped on my lap, passed gas, and ran away giggling.

* * * *

Earlier in the week my wife had asked her what she was going to wear to bed.

"I'll just wear naked" she said.

* * * * *

For the record, I have never met a kid so 'at one' with the TV. Not enthralled or even zoned out (I've seen kids that would stare at the screen if their pants were on fire. That's not the case here). Nor does she watch 'that' much TV by American standards. Maybe an hour of Disney Channel, and even then it's often playing as white noise while life goes on.

But does she ever soak it in:

* She'll finish character's sentences FOR AN ENTIRE SCENE

* She'll tell you what episode of Hannah Montana or The Suite Life of Zach and Cody or whatever it is within a minute of watching, no matter at what point she joins the show.

* She'll mimic the actions of the characters to a T

*She will constantly reference the lives, personalities, and mischief of characters throughout the day, sprinkled into conversation so easily that a stranger would think she was talking about her siblings

One day last week I saw her watching an episode of Zach and Cody guest starring Tom Poston. "It's sad that he's dead now," I said. She was confused.

"Who?"

"That guy"

"Nuh-uh. He's sitting right there talking. Duh!"

"Lu, he's just an actor playing a role. This was taped long ago. Zach and Cody aren't real you know"

"They're not?" she said.

Now I think that last line might have been tossed in there to play cutesie-wootsie, because she seems perfectly capable of identifying actorsas they play different parts in different movies and shows. I think the knowledge just slipped from her five-year old brain for a second there.

In no way does this TV quirk trouble me or my wife. I think mental tics like that must run through  our combined DNA. Give me five notes of a song and I'll give you the title and artist (I wish Name that Tune had a modern day version). Play a song for YaYa just once and she'll have the lyrics down. Give Lisa the name of any business past or present and she'll sing you their jingle on the spot. LuLu's quirk just seems to be audio and visual.

One thing did, well, not alarm me per se but throw me off. She doesn't watch Nickelodeon here, but she must at Grandma's. She calls the station 'Zoe 101' (referencing one of its shows) and proudly told me today that "Zoe had a baby. And she wasn't even married! For real Daddy!"

'Zoe' of course, is played by Jamie Lynn Spears.

Sigh.

Phone rage and a guilty confession

Somewhere in this world wide web I'm sure there is another Milwaukee based blog that will relate this very story from a very different point of view. 

Let me preface this by saying (and I know full well that phrase is shorthand for 'I did something bad but I'm gonna try to talk my way out of it') that I am ordinarily quite good with irate, irrational, or even flat out insane customers. It is a knack of mine, one acknowledged by even anti-Dan factions within the politics of the office, and because I see so much of it I try (try) to be extra kind to people on the clock when I'm out and about.

With that out of the way,  I was at the cell phone store with Smiley today after his appointment. Let's call the cell phone company, oh, BlackBird. My phone, for reasons yet unknown, had begun beeping and flashing out of the blue and would not stop until it felt damn good and ready. So I took it in for repair, retired to the bookstore with Smiley for awhile, and then returned to pick it up.

I was dressed in a shirt and tie, I was friendly and social and ever so pleasant to be around.

And then the guy handed back my phone.

"The tech said he opened it and there was a liquid inside the case, and we're not supposed to work on phones with water damage. So it's considered unrepairable and you'll have to buy a new phone."  he said. And yes, he said those words, in that order. Now granted, he said it in a polite and sorrowful tone of voice.

To which I responded  . .

"Fu** that!," I said. "Every damn time I bring a phone in here for repair, whether its mine, a work phone or whatever,  you people say it's water damage. Do you even  open the thing or do you just say it to everyone to try to con them into buying a new phone? Because I heard you use that line with the guy in front of me too."

The guy had the look of a panic on his face. Oh, I'm sure he's used to people getting plenty angry, but the abrupt switch from a happy guy in a tie with his three year old, to angry 300 pound man in under a second undid his confidence.

"Well, um, you know all it takes is one exposure to water . . . " he said.

"What water?! The damn thing is never more than two feet from me. It's in my pocket most of the time."

(re: the pics from the lake. The beeping started prior to the weekend, and even on the trip the phone never touched H20)

"Well, things could get wet in a pocket, you know, sweat or whatever."

"Whatever"? Such as what, I pee myself on a regular basis? I make damn sure to take my phone out of my pocket before watching a Will Ferrell movie.

I should have said a $10 watch can make it 5 meters under the ocean - why can't a $200 phone stnad up to the alleged rigors of sweat? But of course you never think of such things in the moment.

"So how much is a new phone?" I asked.

"Well, you just renewed and got a free phone in March, and you didn't buy the insurance, but it would depend on what you'd want."

"'What I'd want' is something comparable," I said.

"Well we no longer carry that particular model. So the least expensive option would be $250"

To which I replied (drum roll please)

"F**k Blackbird,  I'll live without a phone" I said. "Come on Smiley, let's go."

I should not have sworn at the guy, no matter how angry I was at the moment. Still, I do fully believe the tech is full of it and it's just the company's way to upsell, like telling a guy he'll need new tires because the nail hole is just too big to patch. How can a layman prove or disprove the alleged presence of water? Wouldn't it evaporate even if it was there to be seen?

Sadly, as you know, inevitably I'm going to have to crawl back there and either pretend it didn't happen or kiss some butt, because I have no choice. I'm not  going to live without a cell phone and everyone in the world knows it.

But a small measure of glee. Smiley, during the conversation, kept mimicking the actions of a credit card sale on the kiosk at the desk. (you know, the card swipe/sign in the box on the screen thingamabobs?).

I shushed him away from it many times, but at the tail end of the above conversation noticed he was not only playing with it but mercilessly beating the screen with the light pen. I let it carry on a bit longer than a good Daddy would have allowed.

In reality it did no damage, I'm sure. But I'm going to go to bed tonight and dream about a repair bill for, oh, $250, payable to Blackbird.

An update on Smiley

I left work early today to take Smiley to the ear specialist. He'd had wax just pour out of his left ear for the umpteenth time and he still isn't hearing right, seven months after the tubes went in his ears.

[Lisa is volunteering all week at Girl Scout camp with my oldest girls, otherwise she'd have taken him]

Well, it turns out his left ear is infected, the eardrum doesn't appear to be moving right, and he'll need to be seen again in two weeks because there's a possibility the tube is damaged.

Swell.

I did have the doc check to see if he was tongue-tied, since I went to school with a boy who was, but it appears he's got full movement. Good of course, but disappointing too - it would be wonderful to have a solution to his lack of speech.

[Later in the day I'd learn that coincidentally our infant niece, the daughter of my wife's estranged brother, is tongue-tied and will need surgery to even allow her to eat properly]

[One positive: he did say  "One more choo-choo' while playing with some trains in the waiting room. I was caught off guard and asked him to repeat it, and man was he happy to see how excited I was]

Some misc. Smiley notes:

1. I was happy and proud to see him quickly decipher how to, uh, transform a Transformer. He did it quicker than I could.

2. He went twice to the bathroom at the Dr's office, the first time aiming up instead of down and power washing the wall behind the toilet. At Lisa's insistence, he's been trained  to clean up such messes and he did so, but in my heart I object: it seems to cancel out an integral part of being a boy. :)

3.He's developed some more signs in place of speech. I'm not sure if they're 'real' and taught by his teacher or something improvised. A quick palm-up gripping motion seems to mean 'I'm sorry', while his name continues (incorrectly) to be signed by a quick brush of a finger down his cheek.

4. At the cell phone store he objected when the clerk took my phone away for repair, reacting with alarm at what he perceived as a theft of my property.

5. He often unbuckles himself mid-ride, forcing us to pull over and make a big to-do about putting his seat belt back on.

6. Despite his lack of speech he seems to be quite the charmer among the ladies, using that grin of his to woo them. Let's hope he has the same success 15 years down the road :)

Semi-Pro and The Eye, oh My!

Why bother reviewing a Will Ferrell film? By now everyone either hates the man or loves him, and nothing I say will sway you from your chosen path.

Personally I love the guy (although I hated Anchorman) and I enjoyed the heck out of this movie.

Ferell plays Jackie Moon, player/owner of the American Basketball Association's Flint Tropics, a team designated to fold  in the late '70's merger with the NBA.But if Moon can coerce his lackluster, last place team to finish fourth or better they still have a shot to join the NBA. If not, they're kaput.

Sophomoric jokes abound here, but so does a halfway decent plot of the standard sports-genre variety. Still who watches a Ferrell movie for the storyline? I laughed so hard during the mascara game I darn near peed my pants, and Love Me Sexy - brilliant!

And never mind that I was five when the '70's ended. Somehow I've still grown nostalgic for what looks like a fun decade, and so I got an extra kick from seeing the leisure suits and disco dancers.

3 stars out of 4, 80 out of 100 - if you have a childish sense of humor.

                                                  

The Eye is an American remake of a Hong Kong horror film. This version stars Jessica Alba as a blind woman who undergoes a cornea transplant that mysteriously grants her the ability to see the dead. She struggles to understand a horrific vision that plagues her and sets off to find the family of the  donor to come to terms with her personal curse.

The movie itself was well done and there was nothing cheesy or half-baked about the production itself. But there was also precious little that was original either. Zap this movie back to 1970 and it'd be a groundbreaking hit. In 2008 it's little more a retread of a hundred other horror plots.

There was also something that bothered me, something Lisa originally pointed out. The blind character is not a teacher, clerk, a phone operator, or God forbid disabled. Such everyday professions/classifications are apparently demeaning to the portrayal of the blind. Instead Alba is, of course, a popular and accomplished concert violinist with a vast and eclectic circle of friends and she is openly loved by all. This isn't the first time this phenomenon has shown up in Hollywood.

Why is it beneath a blind or disabled character to be portrayed as a normal, everyday person? Isn't that the point of equality in the first place? Being compelled to use them in such an elevated manner is just another form of bigotry, as if they 'need' special assistance in the script to be taken seriously by the audience.

What a crock.

2.0 stars out of 4, 50 out of 100. Ok, 55 out of 100 because you do, in fairness, get to look at Jessica Alba for ninety minutes.

CC Sabathia, the Cubs, Arod, and Heather McCartney!

                 

I watch a lot of baseball. The MLB Extra Innings package that Lisa got me as an early Father's Day gift ranks as one of my ten favorite things in all the world. I get to watch all the Yankees games I want, and because of my schedule I see a ton of west coast games. Right now, as a matter of fact, Seattle-Oakland is on the tube and Ritchie Sexon just launched a three run blast to left in the first.

One of the oddities of that package is that the incredible varitety offered to me often means that I skip watching my hometown Brewers. Oh, I've seen a few games, including two in person. And I follow them online and in print. But I don't see many games on TV, (the exception being the fine 9th inning win on Saturday and the Suppan disaster on Sunday).

Let me tell ya though, the excitement is building in this town. Sure, we're still behind the Cubs in the standings and yes, we choked last year. There is a difference tho', and it is palpatable.

Last year was exciting but reeked of 'too good to be true', which of course turned out to be the case. This year has a more working-class, 'grinder' feel to it. And underneath it all, right here, right now, is this wonderful feeling of awakening. I liken it to those moments in history when the tide began to turn; a slow, steady, but unforgiving rise to dominance.

Damnit, I think we have a shot.

And of course the weekend brought great news, and memories of the Sutton trade that led us to the Series in '82. The Brewers traded for CC Sabathia, reigning A.L. Cy Young winner and a blue chip pitcher all around.

Sabathia has a lifetime win/loss record of 105-71 with a 3.84 ERA and 1249 strikeouts. I haven't seen much of him in person, but I'm told he has a  94-98 mph fastball, a 11-5 curveball (meaning it moves from 11 o'clock on the face of a clock to 5 o'clock) and a 10-4 slider in the mid eighties.

He seems to be hesitant to use the slider this year, probably because he saw a teamate blow out his arm on the pitch, but he's still a blue chip stock.

Hot daggone dog.

So now it's Sabathia/Sheets/Parra at the top of the rotation, and there are still whispers that the great Greg Maddux will leave San Diego to join his brother in Milwaukee.

Sabathia/Sheets/Maddux/Parra/Suppan . . my that has a nice ring to it.

Combined with the potent offence of All Star and Rookie of the Year Ryan Braun, Prince Fielder, Corey Hart, Rickie Weeks, JJ Hardy, Bill Hall, Mike Cameron, Jason Kendall (ok, not a great power threat), etc and you have the makings for a hell of a stretch run.

Like I said, they really have a shot. It could blow up in our faces, or we could take home rings in October. I'll tell you one thing tho'. All respect to my friends who are Cubs fans (Emo, Psychfun), and it's nothing personal, but there is dang near nothing NOTHING I detest more than the Cubs, not even the Bears.

That is not hyperbole, I am completely serious.

So it would please me for years and years and years if the Brewers were to deny Chicago entry to the post-season and extend their misery to a solid one hundred years (since their last Series win in 1908).

Whatever happens I'm glad the Brewers sucked it up and traded for CC. We've waited for the future for far too long.

The future is NOW.

* * *

On the east coast my favorite player, Alex Rodriguez, saw his name dragged through the tabloids when they alleged he was having an affair with Madonna. Then his wife allegedly ran off to Paris with Lenny Kravitz, and things got goofy times infinity.

Now she's filed for divorce in Florida, and even though the laws of that state don't necessitate listing adultery as a prereq for divorce, she was quick to throw out the notion.

Because adultery could be used as grounds for alimony. But it's not about the money, of course.

I guess she's forgotten about that 2002 prenup. Then again, this is the same woman who claimed she never realized someone could make a living playing sports until she married her husband.

Her husband who, btw, makes 25 million a year on the field and probably another 25/year for endorsements.

But she never ever had a clue. It was never about the money.

Look, I'm not condoning adultery. But the guys good looking, super rich, the best damn athlete in the game, he's adored by millions, he's out of town six months a year, and groupies abound. This should be a surprise? It doesn't make it right, but please. You knew what you were getting into, and if she's going to be greedy and try to do a Heather McCartney, at least be upfront and say you were in it for the green.

Anything else is bull.

BTW - Congrats to ARod for tying Mickey Mantle's career home run mark of 536. I'm looking forward to the day when he takes sole possesion of first place on the home run list.

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Two Great Pics

I saved these last two pics from our trip for two reasons. First, I thought they were so beautiful they deserved top billing of their own.

And second, because my wife sarcastically told her friend, when asked if I liked the trip, that yes, it would be a 'four post minimum'.

So you know what wisea**?  Here's the fourth one for ya. ;)

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Sunday up North

Sunday morning dawned with yet another early wake up call from Lump. I took her outside to the gazebo at 6:30 and let her crawl around while I read some of The Dante Club and enjoyed the sight of cardinals in the backyard.

Eventually, after an hour or so, she tuckered out and I returned her to bed. No one else was up yet so I took advantage of the morning to do some fishing. Unfortunately we were out of bait and the fish weren't interested in the least in the artificial lures. So I started hunting under rocks and logs for a grub or worm to do the trick, and wound up coming across a huge honeybee that had stung something and dropped dead.

I was going to use it on the hook but then realized the kids would like to see it so I held on to it. And yeah, the kids loved it. In fact, we took the bee home with us.

Soon enough all the kids were up and joined me in the water.

 

The husband made a trip for bait and returned with wax worms, which the fish just couldn't refuse. Within only a few minutes I had caught three (and wound end up with six on the day). All the kids started clamoring to join me and by the end of the adventure YaYa caught two fish

Smiley one

,

and LuLu three.

 

And I mean they caught them. All you had to do once the fish were fired up was drop the hook in the water and pull up, they were biting like mad.

[sidenote: one time I was ready to cast when I checked behind me to make sure the kids wereclear. There was Smiley and his 3 year old female counterpart buck naked and swimming. Heathens! I sent them both out to put their swimsuits on.]

Speaking of biting, here's some pics of LuLu's bites, which covered her from head to toe. Like me she's allergic, although thankfully not as bad. Most of the pics fail to show the majority of the bites, but you'll get the idea. The kid looked like she had the pox.

And yes, duh, we used Deep Woods Off, but the damn skeeters up there are nasty and indifferent to it.

Well, soon after it was time to pack up and head out. On the road we stopped back at the Pamida to clean them out of the cheap diapers, and picked up some sandals at Family Dollar. We got lost on the way home, going an hour out of our way, but aside from a stop at McDonald's it was a straight shot once we found the highway.

The only argument on the way back was with YaYa. She'd received a scrapbook from the 11 year old to document the trip and she'd wanted the McDonald's receipt to put inside. I'd thrown it away and she broke down into tears.

Such is life with four kids.

Ah well, a fine and enjoyable weekend. In closing, here's some more pics of the fun we had.

Our Second Day up North

Ok, there are a few parts of the rest of the weekend's story that are going to sound like a serious blow to the fun-meter, and yeah, they may not have been a blast themselves, but they really didn't ruin the integrity of the weekend.

Eh, you'll see.

Lump woke up super early in the morning and, eager to see us sharing a room with her, took full advantage by refusing to fall back asleep. So our day started early.

Then a few hours later I was holding her when she passed gas. Only, it wasn't gas and she quickly boiled over like a science project volcano turned upside down. In short, she shat completely through her diaper, outfit, all over my shorts and leg, and on a nearby backpack.

Apparently well-water didn't agree with her, so for the rest of the weekend she was on milk only, and her tummy settled right down.

Meanwhile I was feeling very fatigued and had shortness of breath. It had started the night before, just after the swim, and internally I was very busy trying to figure it out. Was it a series of small but vicious panic attacks? Was it the long-awaited heart attack? All I knew was that I felt like sh**.

And then it dawned on me. Mosquitoes. I'm allergic to mosquitoes.

Oh, I know nowadays everyone's allergic to something. It's hip and funky and gives you a ripe excuse to avoid inconvenient things, like your in-law's barbeque when the 'pollen index' is too high.

But I really am allergic to the buggers. I used to routinely get bites that would swell as large as golf balls, fully three-dimensional monsters. On one grand occasion I had to go for X-rays after a softball game because the coach thought I'd broken my hand in the field. Turns out I'd simply been bitten by a mosquito and had the whole  hand swell. Nowadays it's toned down quite a bit.

But when you are covered head to toe in mosquito bites, for me at least, it's more than itching. It's fatigue and shortness of breath and swelling, and it sucks. Benadryl helped, but there was an undercurrent of blah most of the day.

Anywho, despite appearances this was all of 5% of the day. In the early afternoon Lisa and her friend joined me and most of the kids as we hit the rummage sales in the area. The sales were largely void of books, but Lisa scored big at a clothing rummage.

And at another rummage I was so put off by one woman's constant refrain to her partner of "Did they pay for X? Did you charge them for Y?"  that I looked her in the face and told her I wasn't a thief. I don't know what she was so hyped up about, most of the stuff was worth about as much as a campaign promise, but she still wound up with $8 in sales.

[I say 'most of the kids' joined us because for the most part YaYa was AWOL with the 11 year old most of the weekend, to be seen only at dinner and bedtime. She rode the horses, she petted the bull, and she rode her bike, all day long.] 

Then we stopped off at a store called Pamida, which is basically like a small K-Mart. I'd never heard of it before, but they had very good store-brand diapers for very little cash. Smiley had a hissy there because I wouldn't buy him a set of water pistols, but otherwise it was a neat experience.

Later that afternoon we all drove into a nearby town for ice cream.

Milty Wilty is a drive in that's been in business since 1947. Their custard fails to trump Leon's here in Milwaukee, but that's besides the point. Leon's doesn't have an expansive set of play equipment for their customer's kids.

They even had a bouncing castle.

It was very relaxing to just sit out in the sun and enjoy your custard and conversation while the kids played.

As we were about to leave the kids found an injured butterfly in the parking lot.

Our original intention had been to attend a 5 pm parade in another town, but we ran late at the ice cream stand. So we returned to the house. One group of kids swam while LuLu asked me to watch her bicycle in the front yard. I did so, utilizing the 'flip the back bench over to create a tailgate seat' on the Freestar. Booyah!

At one point something came over me and I asked the 11 year old if I could use her bike. After adjusting the seat I took off on my first real bike ride in (seriously) 25 years. Oh, I'd hopped on a bike last year for a quick second, but that was diddly. This time I went for several minutes, at a pretty decent speed, and actually whipped around much as I did back in my childhood.

It might have helped that YaYa was egging me on and taunting me the whole time. :)

Maybe we'll buy some bikes as the summer progresses. It was fun, and good exercise of course; plus it would give us quality time with the kids.

Tacos for supper, and then the kids retired to watch a movie. I joined the friend's husband on the pier for some fishing (and caught two bluegill - the FIRST TIME I'd legitimately caught a fish on my own in all my 34 years. I had caught one last year, but with one of the kids joining me on the pole).

Later, Lisa and her friend went to visit her (friend's) Mom's bar in a nearby town (and came within a few feet of colliding with a deer on the return trip when it bolted from the woods. Credit her friend's sharp driving for avoiding disaster).

While they were at the bar we took turns playing Tour of Duty 4 and MLB '08  The Show on Playstation 3.

[In the latter game I drafted and managed a team that went 102-60, only to be swept in the first round of the playoffs by the Royals.

By the bleepin' Royals! Can you believe it?]

Then it was on to bed when Lisa returned, and another fine day gone by. That swim, riding a bike, and catching a fish, all in one day.

 Huh. Good day for firsts eh?