Deeper

Deeper is Jeff Long's follow-up to his chilling The Descent. Like most sequels it duplicates some of the original work, although I would argue that would be hard to avoid in this case. A novel about a race of horrific creatures living deep in the earth - well it kind of necessitates a trip underground, doesn't it?

Ike, the longtime captive turned Army scout, has returned to the caves and hasn't been seen in years. His wife Ali, the former nun,, leads a controversial scientific group that is seen as overly sympathetic to the plight of the Hadals, the demonic race defeated in The Descent.

Although they were supposedly wiped out at the end of first book, the Hadals mount a strike against the heart of America, kidnapping children from across the country. The mother of one of the children mounts what's termed a Children's Crusade, an armed volunteer expedition to the center of the earth. Not surprisingly, Ali and her MIA husband are soon drawn into the fray. That trek towards a bloody confrontation with the Hadal is the heart of the novel, echoing the plot of the first.

There are difference however, and not just in the motives that move the characters. When we last saw it the underworld was an elaborate but undeveloped universe; now, with a flippant and unrealistic confidence in their past victory, many humans have migrated below. A more fundamental difference lies in the philosophy of Long's universe. In The Descent the Hadal are not only physical beings but creatures whose existence defines religion as a fraud, even if I thought the argument was weak and contrived.

Deeper, however, has a definitive spiritual flavor. The Hadal may be earthbound beings but they are led by a being that looks/acts/thinks like a fallen angel, one in a desperate search for release from his prison, and there is an immortal mythological creature at work too.

Long's universe remains one of monstrous darkness defined by elaborate torture, brutal cannibalism, and fear. It would be an awful, awful world to live in, but from the safety of the printed page, it's a great place to visit.

My newest column

Here's a link to my column in today's Journal.

Local readers: let me remind you that a visit to JSOnline does *not* excuse you from purchasing a copy of the paper. If nothing else, think of it this way - you're not buying the same text you can get online. You're buying the same text and my picture (which is never displayed on their site).

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I got two letters from the Journal editors today. The first was the standard "got your submission" letter. The second one surprised me and made me smile.

Dan, I like the approach you took in your column – especially given your
personal history with smoking. It turned out nicely, and not just the usual
knee-jerk type of opposition. Thanks.

Mabel W
Perspectives
Editor

It may not seem like much, but a letter like this isn't her normal M.O. Usually she just prints your stuff or rejects it, without much commentary either way, so I am unduly proud of the compliment.

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Mild off on a tangent comment:

I've never been happy with the number of commas I use in my writing. I think I use them too often for my own good. But after looking at five published columns of mine, and comparing each to the draft that was submitted, I guess I'm wrong. The editors seem to add a comma after every other word; honestly, it's like they get paid per comma.

I know, I know. It looks different online than it does in cold hard print - it does. Really, it looks and reads much better in ink - but jeesh.

Another column will be published Tuesday

Last week the newspaper sent out an email to the columnists, asking for a volunteer to argue against the creation of a smoking ban in Wisconsin. On the theory that I will never, ever refuse a writing job I clicked 'reply' without much thought. I didn't hear back by the stated time, but it was no real loss.

Then on Friday I took a call at work. To my suprise it was the editor ("Hi Dan, it's Mabel from The Journal . . .") who handed me the assignment. What was neat, other than an editor calling me, was that I was chosen over a number of people who asked for the assignment. Cool.

So, Milwaukee folk, get out your 75 cents; the column will run Tuesday morning.

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Quick memory: Sunday marked the 18th anniversary of a May snowstorm that dumped six inches in the area. It was my junior year of high school, and I'll never forget standing in front of Pius, just stunned by the freak snowfall.

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Overheard: Two skinny women discussing the People magazine with Kristie Alley on the cover, 'coming clean' about her 80 pound weight gain.

Woman 1: Ugh, hellllloooo! Don't you think after twenty pounds you'd look in the mirror and realize you were fat?

Woman 2: I know! What a pig!

A . Burn in hell bit**es.

B. Kirstie was a contestant on The Match Game in 1979, well before Cheers or even her stint in the Star Trek movies.

C. I speak from experience when I say: No, you really don't notice until you're so far gone it's too late. Case in point, uh, now, when I tip the scales at the heaviest I've been in 15 years.

You're telling me this would happen on Jeopardy?

Here's where I waste far too much time dissecting six minutes of game show history. But hey, it beats following politics - at least in Game Show Land capitalism is still en vogue.

In the 1977 season a contestant on the Match Game had to complete the following statement: "Dumb Dora was so Dumb she sent her cultured pearls to BLANK". His answer: "school".

The first two panelists answered 'college' and were awarded a match. Charles Nelson Reilly was then rejected for the answer "Scuba Diving School" but when he complained the contestant got a point.

Follow me so far?

Then we get to the bottom row of contestants. A celebrity is awarded a match for 'Finishing School' but its quickly reversed without explanation. Then Richard Dawson's identical answer was rejected outright, and all hell broke loose.

Like the title of the post implies, you ain't gonna see this schtuff on Jeopardy. Pure. Unscripted. Unrehearsed. Genuine. Mayhem.



My take on it? The game had a longstanding rule against matching what they termed a "specific" with a "general". Meaning if you said Notre Dame and the celebrity wrote down "Cathedral", you were S.O.L. In this case "college" should have been rejected outright. The other answers could have gone either way, but by that point the judge just plain lost control.

Thus, the "School Riot".

Ugh. Kids.

Over at Bernie's blog I read that during a tantrum her daughter threw a battery through a window. A horrible thing, naturally, but I thank Bernadette profusely for publishing the fact.

Why? Because while it caused no monetary damage, my LuLu had one of THE BIGGEST AND MOST EMBARRASSING FITS EVER yesterday, and the knowledge that there are others like her in the world . . well, it's a small comfort, but I'll take it.

I went to pick the girls up from school yesterday and as usual the K4 teacher released her brood early, so I got LuLu first. I told her both Lisa and I were working and that she'd spend the evening at my Mom's. She was fine with it - happy actually.

Then YaYa came out and joined us, and while I wouldn't put it past her to torment Lu, I think what followed was a genuine slip of the tongue. YaYa mentioned that instead of spending the day at my Mom's, she'd been invited to sleep over at her cousin's apartment.

Cue LuLu's fit.

Er, wrong word. I can handle fits and hissies. The girl had a fit and a hissy and refused to come with us, running away from me time and again as if we were playing a demented game of tag.

In front of the whole parking lot full of students and parents.

I already have a complex from being the designated white thrash family of the school, the poorest of the bunch (even when I had my old job), and "that Dad that always drops the kids off five minutes late in the morning". Now, if anyone was paying the slightest attention, I'm the "Dad that is totally ignored and disrespected by his five year old".

Threats didn't work. Logic didn't work. I never tried to bribe her, I was too angry and it sets a bad precedent, but I did threaten to leave her behind. That worked . . . sorta. She'd wander over to us, then break away and run across the lot screaming.

In the end, AFTER 15 MINUTES, I caught hold of her, lifted her over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and loaded her into the car.

For anyone who did view this scene, yes, she is still alive and well. It's not necessarily my preferred choice, but there are all those pesky laws and Commandments and all. But her behavior will change. Guaranteed.

Ugh. Sometimes life sucks.

American Idol/Fashion Show

Wow. We didn't have a chance to watch the AI elimination show until about 10 p.m tonight, but it was a doozy. Kris was the weakest of the bunch and doesn't have the vocal chops to compete at this point, and yet he coasted through.

That worries me.

If Danny had been eliminated (as I was erroneously told Wednesday) I'd have stopped watching. Not out of hometown loyalty or outrage, but because it meant the last remaining hope to knock off Adam was gone. Now a small part of my head is concerned that Kris might capture the crown in ridiculous Taylor Hicks fashion, leaving better singers - Adam and Danny - out in the cold.

Tomorrow is Danny Gokey day here in Milwaukee, btw. Take a gander at the Journal website for more info and an itinerary.

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Oh, one last thing. Allison's farewell song was THE BEST SUCH PERFORMANCE EVER. Full of emotion, power, confidence, and soul. Well done.

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Tonight was the premiere of Bravo's The Fashion Show with Isaac Mizrahi.



You might have heard that Project Runway left Brazo in a legal huff; the last I heard it'll show up on Lifetime this fall. Bravo's The Fashion Show is, let's be frank, a knockoff of Runway.

Does that mean it's no good? No, not necessarilly. I think it has potential if it can counter a few obvious flaws. Chief among them is the lack of a Tim Gunn to stroll in and critique outfits in progress. Instead, Isaac and annoying co-host Kelly Rowland keep mum and snipe in private. Not good, as some of the designers need direction, and more importantly the audience needs to be clued in on what's what in the sewing room.

Still, there's a lot to like and a lot of personalites in play. We'll definitely give it a shot for a few weeks.

Quote of the Day

It's a beautiful day here in Milwaukee, warm and sunny but not so hot that you break into a sweat (unless you want to). Overall its been very low-key, and I've spent most of it driving my sister around town as payment for babysitting. The only exciting moment so far today (other than The Match Game - natch!)was when the mailman arrived hours early and caught a glimpse of Lisa's boobs as she changed.

"Dude, he was scoping out your t**s!" I told her.

"Was he?"

"Yeah"

"Good," she said. "Nice to know they're still popular."

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Well then. I had intended this post as a nice, family friendly collection of misc. items that don't warrant a post of their own. Eh, that won't work anyway, as I'm about to have to go chase the baby around the kitchen. Briefly:

1. Ginger is now babbling constantly, has learned the word 'no' and practices it often, can say Smiley and LuLu's names, and constructed a three word sentence the other day in her crib: "Dada baby up!"

2. I replaced YaYa's fish. At 1 am last night she woke me up as she attempted to keep Angelcakes from raiding the fishbowl on her dresser. When she kicked Angel out of her room - robbing her of her prized sleeping position next to YaYa on the bed - the cat was horrified and cried nonstop. In the end both YaYa and Angel had to sleep in our bed, with the fish safely locked alone in her room.

American Zombie

Whatever you may think of the casual tone I write with on Slapinions, rest assured I'm the same guy who regularly cranked out thesis papers galore. That includes one monster that was distributed in graduate classes by a professor who used it as an example of 'ideal post-grad work'.

Point being, I can spin the academic lingo, which can at times include a heavy dose of bullshit. If need be I can wax poetic on how vitally important wax paper has been to the development of the American judicial system in western Maine, or how necessary Scooby Doo was for the establishment of feminist thought in Nebraska.

Eh, it's a gift.

But I can't, I just CANNOT, come up with a deep and symbolic interpretation for any bit of this gawdawful film.

American Zombie is a mockumentary about Zombies trying to 'make it' in the realm of everyday American life. Around the time you wake up from the second or third nap you take watching it, the film crew runs into trouble at an all-Zombie retreat and it morphs into a ho-hum horror movie.

On Amazon you'll find someone in academia who tried, ever so hard, to make this all fit into a neat, tidy, intentional work of 'deep' art.

Bullshit. It was a catchy idea rendered dull and senseless by a bunch of Zombies who are not funny, entertaining, scary, or for that matter even very Zombie-like.

Please, for the love of God, leave this movie on the shelf.

1.0 out of 4

YaYa's Communion - Party Favors/Presents

I wanted to get some 'official' shots of the party favors from YaYa's Communion, as well as some pictures of the gifts we gave her.

Here are the chocolate covered Oreos we made:







Here are custom M&M's imprinted with individual pictures of YaYa and her cousin:







Here she is opening a gift from my Mom and Dad, opened the night before the event.







Here's a shot of our presents, which we gave her before the Mass.





















Here are our gifts in close-up. A tin of Bella Sara cards:



and a bunch of books that included a Junie B Jones Journal and several Titanic Books, including a choose-your-own Adventure book she insisted on taking with her to Mass (but we left in the car), and a set of First Lady flash cards.

American Idol - May 5th, 2009

Slash rocks, and he's the genuine article, but what exactly did he do for those guys tonight? Not much, if you trust the clips of him in action.

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Four solo performances, two duets. Let's get to it.

1. Adam - Nearly by default it was the best of the night, but I'm sorry I just can't share the voluminous love. I watched it twice, once listening to without watching the screen. It was good, but was it Evian in the desert? Not quite. Even so, the best of the night.

2. Allison - You would think she would have slam-dunked this week, but I found it pedestrian. It was a 'safe' version that barely showed her vocal skill.

3. Kris - well . . . not awful, but as he finished I turned to Lisa and said "He's gone."

4. Danny - This was soooo not his cup of tea, but oh well. I thought his vocals were choppy and the famous high note at the end was all over the place. If it wasn't for Kris' performance I'd be sweating the result show.

Duets: What's the point, except to fill time? Adam/Allison had the better duet, although I liked Renegade (one of Lisa's all-time favorite songs. I once bought her a 45 record of it back in the day).


* * * *

The results? Adam's safe. The bottom three is further reduced by Danny, who largely coasts this week on an established reputation and fan base. I have to think that America agrees with me and that Kris will go home.

Anyway, who cares? Paula Abdul performs live tomorrow! Whoo-hoo!*



* Lisa saw her 'live' once, and after the lip-synced concert, Abdul tried to do a live song for an encore and failed. She apologized to the audience and no one seemed upset. That was pre-Milli Vanilli if I have my chronology right.