Why a vasectomy would be a good thing

Ugh. What a lousy day.

Chin up, mind you - no one died or was injured, which is always a plus. But for the first day off since the trip to the zoo it just plain SUCKED.

Sleep in? Never! The kids were up at the crack of dawn. In fact I found YaYa on the kitchen floor at 5 a.m., complaining about a stomach ache.

She was supposed to go with a friend's mother to a picnic/pool party in a neighboring county. When the time came she was still feeling ill but said she would be good to go. Fine and dandy. You could tell the Mom was leery of taking her but I told her the truth - YaYa suffers from chronic constipation (she's on occasional medicine for it) and sometimes stomach aches are par for the course. It's not like it's contagious.

Two hours later I'm eating soup in the dining room when the friend's father walks into the house with YaYa. She'd thrown up three times at the party, had to shower in the host's house, and then threw up in a bowl during the car ride home.

"Is [Mother] pissed?," I asked the Dad.

He laughed. "Oh, yeah!"

Sigh. I'm gonna hear about this one FOREVER, guaranteed.

Lisa was out with her Mom to get her nails done at a spa, a mother/daughter trip for her Mom's birthday. Fine, except the lady is awful, butchering her nails, dragging it on forever, and then abandoning them both halfway through, forcing someone else to take over. $40 down the tubes.

"Why didn't you tell the manager?" I asked.

"I couldn't. She was a student, it would have cost her her job," she says.

Ok.

Meanwhile the kids are atrocious and I'm already at my wits end (it's ~2 p.m. at this point).

Lisa comes home for but a minute before turning around and going to work. Sigh. Ok, I decide to pack the kids up and go get ice cream. There is not a peaceful moment to be found, with YaYa all but torturing LuLu in the backseat and Smiley doing his grunting behind me as the baby cries.

I was soooo ticked at YaYa. I'd hear a smack, cries would ensue, and she'd plead that she barely touched her sister - forgetting that the new van has that additional mirror and that I saw her haul off. I promised her that I'd let the other two walking kids have a free crack at her if I saw her do it again.

Then LuLu and Smiley got into it in the shopping cart at the store.

Meanwhile, at work, Lisa runs into her long-lost brother, Smiley's godparent, who has not called or stopped by for easily 16 months for (by his own admission) no good reason at all.. A 15 minute argument ensues, leaving Lisa in tears.

Grand.

At home the kids are in bed but torturing me. Because of his hearing/speech difficulties Smiley has this gawd awful high pitched screech that serves as his primary means of expression. It soooooooooooo wears on your eardrums and eventually works it's way under  your craw, wherever the heck that is. He won't stop.

LuLu, a whiner by nature, has picked up on the effectiveness of the screech in getting attention (good or bad) and has added it to her repertoire. She drones on endlessly.

YaYa won't stop kissing my a**, saying "I love you Daddy" with all the sincerity of Charlie Manson saying the Lord's Prayer.

Lump is displeased with her crib and will not lay down.

Someone spilled red food coloring all over my hardwood floor. There is crushed breakfast cereal throughout the house. My sheet is missing from my bed. There is poop smeared on the towel hanging in the bathroom and a turd in the bowl with no toilet paper.

I am in hell.

I even tried calling my Mom for solace but she didn't answer her phone.

This goes on until maybe half an hour ago, and dear God it's a wonder I didn't hop in the car and head for the hills.

Better tomorrows, as Jerry Taff always said, better tomorrows.

Resolution by Robert B Parker

             

One good thing about a Robert B Parker novel; it's a quick read. Always heavy on dialogue  his novels read like expanded screenplays, and I started this one in a doctor's waiting room yesterday, read a little before bed, and finished it today - despite it being 304 pages long.

Resolution is a western novel that is a continuation of the adventures of Everett Hitch and Virgil Cole, lawmen/gunmen who in this case hire on as bouncers in the town of Resolution. Hitch quickly runs afoul of the local gunman and kills him, the opening salvo in a war between competing economic interests in the town.

In recent years Parker has not only worked on improving his signature Spenser series, but has also branched off into several directions: young adult novels, the Sunny Randall series, the Jesse Stone series, and this western team.

The characters are familiar to any Parker reader. Men exceptionally skilled at violence, often acting in ways that are less than 'moral' by mainstream standards but fit within the rigid moral code they have adapted for themselves.

Another re-occurring facet of the Parker style is a dysfunctional romance. As if love and relationships weren't hard enough in real life, Parker makes sure his characters face life-wrenching decisions wherever their heart is concerned.

If you are looking for the next Hondo or Shane, or the complexity of a Lonesome Dove, look elsewhere. This is not a book that will be remembered in the genre when your grandchildren's grandchildren visit the library. It is however a quick and entertaining read with a small but real insight into the mentality of men like Hitch and Cole.

Recommended for western readers. 2.75 out of 4, 65 out of 100.

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Robert B Parker's Now & Then

                     

I'm a huge fan of Robert B Parker. That in itself is odd, considering his text is sparse and far closer to the Hemingway school of writing than the elaborate and sprawling texts I usually prefer.

[there is a great quote out there by Herman Wouk. I wish I could remember it verbatim, but it goes on about Hemingway and dismisses his style, saying he prefers a novel that isn't afraid to use and appreciate the English language]

Ten years ago though, I began to write off Parker's work. The plots and characterizations were becoming cookie-cutter affairs, and with each novel the size of the text seemed to increase, padding out what would otherwise have been a skimpy  novella.

In recent years however, the Spenser series has returned to some of its early glory. In his twilight Parker has begun to use each of the novels as a testing ground. He's reintroduced minor figures from previous novels, expanded on what we think we know about the big players in his universe, and spent a lot of time thinking about the past.

In a number of ways, Parker seems to be prepping his characters for the author's own inevitable end.

In Now & Then Spenser is hired to verify a wife's affair on behalf of an FBI agent, and soon enough both the Mrs. and the client turn up dead. It turns out the wife's lover was a member of a terrorist organization, one that could afford to leave no witnesses. As expected Spenser is on the case to the bitter end, paying client or not, but that isn't what this book is about.

Time and again Spenser and his long-time love Susan (easily one of the most hated 'good guys' in the mystery world)  reference an affair she had in a previous novel - 'long ago' in Spenser's world, thirty years ago in our own. The affair has rarely been brought up in the intervening years, but here it's made clear that the scars of that incident have never gone away.

As much as Spenser works to clear the case, he's working just as hard to excise the demons of that ancient betrayal.

And in the end, what is legitimately a shock - the couple begins to talk about getting married, an event no Spenser fan could ever see coming.

Not the best book to introduce a new fan to the series, but a fine, solid work. 3 out of 4, or 79 out of 100.

A conversation with Socialist - warning: Politics ahead!

Our home phone is working again. It was out of whack for nearly two weeks and then out of the blue it rang and scared the bejeesus out of Lisa. God only knows what cleared up along the line.

BTW, If I claimed to have missed it let me apologize, because that's a crock: I resent having the thing in working order again, although I do appreciate the safety of having it around.

* * *

I wasn't going to put this online, just because I have ZERO interest in igniting a political debate right now, but what the heck: I think it reads well.

This was written near the start of the month and is a pretty accurate transcript of a conversation between me and Socialist the day I went to Home Depot with Smiley.

Socialist: "Are you going to shed a tear?"

Me (Confused). "Uh, wasn't going to, no."

"Really?? I thought you'd mist up over Ms's speech."

"It'd help if I knew what the F* you were talking about"

"Hillary! She's going to concede in a few minutes. I figured you and the rest of your Republican brethren would mourn her failure. I know you were hoping she'd be there in November."

"Ahh. Because I quake before the mighty Obama. Yeah, uh, no. I think he's plenty vulnerable."

Laughs. "Yeah, because when people see Obama and McCain on the same stage they're going to say 'hey, let's vote for the old white guy'"

"As opposed to all the little old ladies who'll say 'let's vote for the Black guy'?"

"Typical Republican B.S. man."

"Uh huh. Two words: West Virginia."

"F West Virginia. I don't want those hicks in my party anyway."

"Nice. I just came over to let Smiley pee man, I really don't want to get into this."

"Whatever."

"Ok, even if  there are only a [air quotes] 'handful' of people who won't vote for him because he's black there are plenty who won't vote for him because he's inexperienced, or who won't vote for him because he hangs out with hate mongers [at which time I put up a hand to stop Socialist from interrupting] and s**tloads of crazy old vets who'll vote for McCain because it's Vietnam's last chance to produce a President"

"You're full of cra*.  And this gleeful hand rubbing about all the Democrats who scream [impressive old woman voice]  'I'm going to vote for that McCain now!" because Hilliary's out, well they're full of it too. The number of people who will jump ship is so miniscule it won't even matter."

"My parents and sisters are voting McCain, and they're as Demmy as Dems get. That Vietnam thing hits a chord with some people."

"And I don't want them in my party. Anyone who crosses the line and votes for McCain should hit the f*ing road from now until hell freezes over."

"Nice. Very inclusive."

"I'm sorry man, nothing makes me more intolerant than intolerance."

* * *

One last note and then I'll shut up: regardless of your political stance, you have to wonder if AOL's headline makers get a paycheck from the DNC. There have been more slanted, misleading and biased headlines favoring Obama and/or slamming McCain then I ever saw in '00 or '04. I mention this because in some cases the content of the article itself is neutral or implies the opposite of the AOL headline. Yikes. At least pretend to be unbiased guys, you are getting paid to post the stuff.That makes you a professional. Act like it.

That's all. Enjoy your weekend!

The Somnambulist

                                     

I've stared at a blank screen for several minutes trying to pigeonhole The Somnambulist into one genre or another, and it just isn't happening.

Any description would have to include the 'mystery' genre. Edward Moon, the main character is a detective. Not a professional but a part-time aficionado, he makes his bread-and-butter as a stage illusionist. In may ways he is a a literary tip of the hat to Sherlock Holmes.

Except of course, that  in place of Dr. Watson we have the Somnambulist, a giant hairless mute who consumes vast quantities of milk and is utterly impervious to swords and knives. 

There is also a time traveler, a Hannibal Lector-like figure behind bars, an albino secret agent, two supernatural killers, a plot to destroy London, a poet, a crippled young boy ala Tiny Tim, a bearded lady turned prostitute, a zombie, a religious movement, and, last but not least, a human fly.

Sure, it's a jumbled mess, but it's also a hoot. Jonathan Barnes does a wonderful job of keeping you enthralled with his London-that-never-was, and he takes great liberties with the format. To quote the first lines of the novel:

Be warned. This book has no literary merit whatsoever. It is a lurid piece of nonsense, convoluted, implausible, peopled by unconvincing characters, written in drearily pedestrian prose, frequently ridiculous and wilfully bizarre. Needless to say, I doubt you'll believe a word of it.

Or how about when he introduces a character:

 His death is a matter of pages away.

Please don't get attached to him. I've no intention of detailing his character at any length - he's insignificant, a walk-on, a corpse-in-waiting.

My favorite of these playful lines takes place on page 194, when the narrator interrupts a conversation momentarily with the following, then resumes the dialogue.

Later that evening, lulled by the rhythmic snoring of his wife, just as he was about to go to sleep, Inspector Merryweather would think of a rather amusing retort to this. But he would know that the moment had passed, and would roll over instead and hope for pleasant dreams.

Barnes will set up a scene, populate it with emotion and humor, and then abruptly have the narrator interrupt to admit it was wholly fabricated. It sounds like a technique that should wear on your nerves, but in limited doses it is cheekily amusing.

However, I do think Barnes got greedy near the end. I think he read over his draft, recognized a hit when he saw one, and left far too many points unresolved in hopes of leaving the door open for a sequel. A dirty rotten trick, on par with much of the book, but I'll gleefully read any sequel even so.

3 and a quarter stars out of 4, or 84 out of 100.

Our New Van

Well, we bought a new van.

We scouted the internet for a bit over the weekend and then took LuLu and one of YaYa's friends with us to a few dealerships on Monday. Other then a nice Caravan with a DVD system, we didn't see much that screamed 'buy me'.

But that night, while trying to find the DVD van on the dealer's site, I came across a vehicle that caught my eye. Tuesday after work I decided to go look at it and dragged YaYa along - Lisa bowed out of the process, citing her purchase of the lemon Voyager (a foolish thought, as she did all the right research and just hit some bad luck).

YaYa and I test drove the car, looked at all the features, debated price with the salesman for awhile, then took the plunge and bought it. The decision was simple, the actual purchase was not. We were at the dealership from just  5 p.m. until just shy of close at 9 a.m.

[note: aside from an initial bout of brattiness right at the outset, YaYa sat patiently for hours, coloring, reading and playing on my phone. She also walked right into the side mirror of a Mustang, cutting her lip open (!). All in all she rocked and I was proud of her.]

In the end we - or rather I, as Lisa's (superior) credit was not run - got the loan and we were good to go. With the downpament payments are only $15 more a month than we paid on Lisa's Ford Aspire back in '95.

Of course, we haven't had a car payment at all in years and years, so the whole thing is frightening and very adult-ish.

It's a white 2005 Ford Freestar. Please spare me any formulaic anti-Ford propaganda. During our time together Lisa and I have owned a 1994 Aspire (still running) a 1995 Aspire (totaled by a drunk driver, which paid for a lot of our wedding), a 1994 Ford Escort wagon we sold to my Dad when Smiley was born, and a 1998 Ford Windstar (totaled by a woman who sped through an intersection and sideswiped Lis and LuLu). All ran fine and were dependable and durable as you can hope for, especially Vi, our '94 Aspire.

The Plymouth however . . well, p**s on it.  

So I was gleeful to be back in a Ford. It reminds me a lot of our Windstar, with some upgrades. It has stow and go seating, dual sliding doors, a second row bench which gives us a crucial extra seat in the middle, remote keyless entry, a CD player (no small thing, as the Voyager's radio was on the fritz), and more.

What do I like best? Aside from the stow and go, the bench, and the 36,000 miles on the odometer,  I dig the little mirror located above the rearview mirror. It's sole purpose is to allow the driver to see the kids in the back row, which downright ROCKS.

Here's some pics right off the website.

Here's that second row bench:

Here's the stow and go before:

and after:

Some of the dealer perks: a $520 gas card, a year of roadside assistance, a 3 month/3000 mile comprehensive warranty, and free car washes for the life of the vehicle, which can come in handy with a white car.

I like it, and I hope/pray/wish it works out well for Lisa for many years to come.

The *2007* school trip to the zoo

I realize you're all zoo-ed out, as am I, but I figure now's probably the last chance to realistically work in the post about the 2007 zoo trip, long promised and long delayed.

As I mentioned on the prior post, I chaperoned YaYa's K5 class last year. We were allowed to wander off and do what we wanted with our groups for the five hours of the trip, and I admit to being a little overwhelmed at first by leading a group of 4 girls.

By the end of the sweltering day I think we'd all had a fun and pleasant time, and I think our group did well, with two exceptions. The first is when we were in the playset area. Unlike the '08 trip it was SUPER crowded with scores of kids, and when it came time to regroup I was missing the blonde girl  in the front of the picture. Never mind the warnings to stay in the area, or the constant head-counts, she skedaddled. I found her minutes later playing in another area that had been called off limits for all the K5 kids, but yikes . . that moment wasn't good for the ol' heart.

I'll get to the second moment later. But first, some animals.  Why? Why not?

In a the last zoo post Beth asked if the zoo had any big cats, and mentioned that it seemed Milwaukee had a fairly large zoo. Yup on both counts. The zoo, which I've never failed to appreciate (even as it bores me most days, having seen it so often) hosts 1800 specimens of 350 species on its 200 acres.

Here's some of the cats from that day. Most shots failed to turn out because of the reflection of the glass. Just our luck they weren't strolling around the outdoor areas that day.

Brief interruption: one thing I failed to mention about the 2008 trip was that a lion suddenly jumped to attention, stood up on a large rock, and began to roar and bellow at the crowd for mintues on end. It was a loud, fearsome, wonderful display of his strength.

Here's the girls holding onto the baby gorilla statue for good luck.

 

Here is one of the 'dinosaur tracks' the girls were intent on following.

I think this next one was in the aquarium or bat area. Either way, YaYa looks cute.

Remember this from this years trip? I honestly would've sworn it was a new addition to the zoo this year.

As I said, it was a sweltering day. I let the girls go hog wild with the water from the hand-washing station near the goat feeding pens.

A waterfight errupted and we all left the area soaked.

Here's the group trying out a foot massager to rest their weary bodies after a long day of walking.

Like I said, a fun day, and a nice introduction to YaYa's friends.

Oh, yeah, that other 'moment'?

After the giraffe area YaYa threw a hissy fit (the joys of chaperoning your own kid) and ran away from the group and hid in a crowd. She didn't go far and I knew she was within hearing range but I was boiling mad, especially since I knew she was egging me on after the play set incident.

She finally emerged from behind a sign, all smiles and 'ha-ha', and I let her have it with both (verbal) barrels. I petered out as I noticed she kept looking over my shoulder. I turned around, and who was there ? ? ?

Why a stunned, emotionally damaged Quaker family, with their children now near tears, that's who. I'm sure they thought me a heathen brute, and I'm equally sure they now use me in sermons as an example of the evil of the outside world.

Thanks YaYa ;)

The NBA Finals, Free 411 calls, Father's Day, and Alphawoman's praise

I was moseying around Technorati and noticed that my longtime friend Alpahwoman had written about me in her journal. In a post that jokingly references her *not* being AOL's guest editor, she lays out her picks for the week.

I adore Dan of Slapinions who never is at a loss for something to say or write about. I, for one, was rolling on the floor laughing (hahahah) several weeks ago when he wrote about a stop he made at a dollar store in a shopping center that was subsequently held up! He is the greatest Dad and the I look forward to reading each and every entry he makes

Thanks! I'll take flattery wherever/whenever I can, and this almost makes up for her calling someone else (!) the best writer in J-Land a few weeks ago ;)

* * *

Meanwhile, let me steal verbatim from Buckoclown's site because I feel it's a heck of a find and something that would have saved me money just this past Friday. Read the info here, but try and stop by his site to thank him for the extra change in your pocket :)

To quote him:

Public Service Announcement - Free 411 :o)

Cell phone companies are charging $1.00 to $1.75 or more for 411 Information calls. Since no one carries a telephone directory in their vehicle, they get away with it. 
 
When you need to use the 411 information option, simply dial 1(800) FREE 411, or 1(800)373-3411, you will incur no charge. This works on your home telephone as well. If you enter this number into your cell phone, you will always have a way to get a phone number if you need one. 
 
Verified at Snopes: http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/nothing/free411.asp 

* * *

How 'bout those bleeping Lakers? I thought Boston had it cinched but LA is going to make the trip to the east coast after all. They really should be embarrassed at how they failed  to stick a knife in the Celtics' heart and finish the deal. If you can't close out the game on your home court, don't expect to win in Boston.

* * * *

To all the Dad's out there - Happy Fathers Day! And thank you everyone for your well wishes!

The June 12th School Trip to the Zoo

Last year I chaperoned YaYa's K5 trip to the zoo. This year Lisa was picked to chaperone for her, while I pulled duty with LuLu's K4 class. This had the unfortunate side effect of preventing us from attending Smiley's 1st ever year-end school picnic, scheduled on the same day. Thankfully my mother-in-law picked up the slack and took him, and I owe her (and Smiley) one.

Lisa and I had planned on linking up at the zoo and merging our two groups, but alas K4 was told to stick together. I had five kids, including LuLu, under my watch. We went the opposite way of everyone else and hit the kids 'family farm' area first.

True fact: cows are prone to swallowing nails and other metal objects mixed in with grass. To prevent that from doing damage they are intenionally given a magnet to swallow, one that sucks up all the nails before they do harm.

4 million animals and the kids reacted the most to seeing a playset to attack.

Then finally, on to some animals.

Then, on to a snack.

We took the snack break on a patio with a gorgeous view of a pond.

A peacock wandered onto the deck and the kids gave (polite) chase from a distance.

We bumped into YaYa and Lisa and caught up on our activities. YaYa had gone on the overhead glider across the zoo and back, but K4 was prohibited (and rightly so, to my mind) from engaging in any activity that cost exra money.

We split up again and K4 had lunch. Then we went through the bat house, the reptile area, the monkeys and apes, the aquarium, etc. Suprisingly we actually had some learning experiences, as a snake was shedding its skin and there were dead mice hanging from a branch as a snack for another reptile.

Here's my group, plus a few hanger-on's.

I've tried hard not to post pictures of the animals because, as I told a mother there 'every year I come here, and every year I take the same pictures' and besides, if you want to see what a giraffe looks like, go hit wikipedia.

But somehow it'd escaped my notice that the flamingo's, which I remembered vividly from my youth, had been removed from the zoo in recent years. They were reintroduced this year, and I feel compelled to post a pic of them here.

By this point the kids were exhausted and fights errupted, so we hunkered down in a park-like area to rest. The adults did most of the resting, to be honest, while the kids played.

I do this gimmick where I put my palms out, encourage my kids to lock their elbows and put their palms on mine, and then I lift them in the air.  The trouble is, when I lifted Lu up in the park all the kids wanted to try it out, and my arms got the biggest workout in quite awhile.

I don't remember where we went after that, but I thought this was neat:

We headed back to the bus just in time, as tornado warning were again threatening the area and a storm was coming. We just barely missed the rain, as the sky's opened up as I was getting into my car in the school parking lot.

A good time. Exhausting, but fun.

Oh, yeah. At the zoo we only had one camera and I had it with me (remember, we were supposed to have been together all day) so all these shots are mine. But she did take some pics with her camera phone. For whatever reason they came out super small, so enlarging themt made 'em less than perfect. But they give you some idea of the fun the kids had with her.

Here's two I sent her in reply