Because if it was easy it'd be someone else's life - The Lion King Feb 17th '08 Pt 1

At the start of the year Lisa took her paycheck and bought the family (well, the two of us and the oldest two kids) tickets to see The Lion King musical as it toured Milwaukee.

 

 

 

She examined seating charts, choreographed the available dates with our calendars, thought of the kids sleep/nap/activity cycles, and had it nailed down to the perfect Sunday matinee performance.

 

Naturally, that perfect day's forecast, as of the day before the show, called for 13 inches of snow.

 

And that only got the ball rolling.

 

([My father, who works at my company, called in sick for the morning of the show leaving me short staffed and in dire straits; the possiblity existed I'd have to spend at least part of the morning at work. [didn't happen - a big thank you! to the 1st shift!)

 

Late on Saturday the forecast happily changed to heavy rain, followed by freezing temperatures and snow. [If that doesn't sound like an improvement, than let me hazard a guess and say you've never had to drive through 13 inches of fresh snow.] Still, we dumped the two youngin's off at Grandma's that night, just in case the roads were impassible by car in the morning. With the youngest gone, it looked like we could sleep in a bit.

 

But alas our internal clocks are set for 6:30 and I awoke to the sound of heavy rain and thunder. A moment later a plane flew overhead and I thought "it can't be that bad of a storm if the airport is open'.

 

Sigh.

 

By 8 in the morning our backyard had a foot of standing water. With feet of snow piled up and the ground both saturated and frozen there was no place for the rain to go. Lisa and I both went out and tried to chisel a channel for the water, but it was no use, -all we accomplished was to get soaked to the bone.

 

"We need umbrellas, there's no way I'm taking the girls out in this without them," Lisa said.

 

"So go grab 'em. We should have a bunch of them inthe entryway," I said.

 

"No, I looked, they're not there. The kids must have left them at your Mom's. You have to go buy some."

 

"I'm not driving in this **** just to buy an umbrella. Make a garbage bag poncho for them. I'm not going to go buy something we already own."

 

Steely eyes now. "I am not going to take my daughters to see a Broadway musical dressed in nice new dresses and covered in a garbage bag. Go to the Dollar Store and buy some umbrellas you cheap skate."

 

Only she didn't say 'skate'.

 

So fine. I grabbed my keys, since Lisa had misplaced hers - oh, that'll become an important point soon enough - and took her van to the store.

 

Only it turns out the street in front of our house was flooded and I barely made it two blocks before the van sputtered and died.

 

No need for a professional diagnosis, I just needed to let the van sit and dry out. But time was ticking away, and I made a valiant effort to walk home and retrieve my own car. I made it halfway before turning back - the water was up to my calves on some stretches of the sidewalk and I was chilled to the core.

 

Finally, the van starts. Seven blocks down the road floods again, the van dies. Repeat process. Five blocks down again an intersection is submerged and the van dies, this time in the middle of the road. And what's even better, this time the battery died too. I called Lisa.

 

"It's a van, you know, not a boat. You should try avoiding water at some point" she said.

 

"I'm going to die," I said.. "I'm going to die here because of an umbrella that you made me buy"

 

"You are not going to die," she said patiently. "People will go around the van. Dan would you please calm down? Where are you?"

 

"What does it matter!!??? You can't find your keys so it's not like you could come get me anyways, could you? Could you?!" I said. That'll teach her.

 

She sighed a 'it's like dealing with a child' sigh. "Even if I had my keys, how could I come get you? The van couldn't make it through so how is your Escort going to?"

 

She had a point.

 

I called The Socialist for help but he was on ajob in Cudahy. My mechanic buddy was homebound with car trouble of his own. So I called another guy I know who owed me a favor and he packed up and headed over.

 

He arrived soon enough - at the very moment Socialist came roaring in, job or no job. When in doubt, count on a Commie to have your back.

 

"Do you have jumper cables?" they both asked.

 

"I do," I said. "But I'm not sure Lisa has any. Let me check"

 

I opened up her trunk and found the cables - right beneath three umbrellas.

 

We jumped the car and I asked Socialist to follow me home, but first diverted to a grocery store to pull some money from an ATM and grab a can of chaw as a thank you to him.

 

"Remember, leave your car running to charge the battery," the first guy said. Duh, I thought.

 

Of course when I went in the store I shut the van off by habit and it was dead when I came out.

 

"You are the dumbest-ass genius I'll ever meet," Socialist said. We jumped the car again and, taking more care and cognizant of the fact that the water level had gone down, made it home.

 

 

End of Part One

Tags: blogplugs Lion King