Over the weekend I received news from YaYa's Godfather that his Grandmother had passed away.
The viewing was held today at a local church and I took YaYa out of school for an hour to attend.
My rationale for taking her was simple: I thought it was an appropriate show of respect for her Godfather and a good way for her to cement his importance in her life. He lost his mother a few years ago and I imagine that made the loss of his grandmother even more difficult to handle. He attended the funeral of my own Grandma in 2006 and I had met the woman, if only briefly. I felt it right to make YaYa attend.
[by the way: as his mother was the first of our parents to pass, it was horrible harbinger of things to come for everyone in my generation; it signaled that a new day had arrived for us all]
At the showing she was not 'bad' per se. She was quiet and more or less respectful. But she acted very shy, hiding behind me at times and offering her condolences only when strongly prompted, and even then with a dopey grin on her face. She prayed by the casket with me but claimed to have forgotten the words to "Hail Mary", which is a bold-faced fib. Her hug was more of a headbutt. And she seemed to take far too much pleasure in being the demure, shy little girl at the party.
None of this, on the face of the retelling, seems worthy of my anger. I know I'm coming off as over the top when I say that on our ride back to school I ignored perhaps six apologies and didn't speak to her at all.
But you know what? Every parent wants other people to see their kid for who they are, and YaYa's a very social, very courteous (when she wants to be), and very refined kid.
Yet every time - and I mean EVERY time - she's near her Godfather she turns into this shy, goofy stranger. Every. Single. Time.
The guy has no kids of his own, so I can only imagine what he says when I'm not in hearing distance. You can't say 'wait til you have kids of your own' to someone who doesn't have one; they might nod agreement but in their heads they're thinking their kid will be better, more polite, more social.
I did it. You did it. Every future parent thinks it.
His Dad was cool about her behavior.When she bumped into an easel of pictures he was quick to her defense. "That's ok. If you drop it we'll just pick it up. No big deal."
So some folks will say she was too young to attend, and in my defense she's been to a few before and certainly has attended fewer than I did as a child.
So what do you think? Was she too young? Does she feel too pressured by me and so act out with her Godfather? Does she try to 'be' someone else to impress him and have it backfire? Or am I just nuts?
What's your take?
Tags: YaYa
10 comments:
I would say, yes she was too young to attend. She is a child and although she may know what you request of her as far as beahavior goes, death is a funny thing. It might be a sign of a new begining to one and scary and strange to another.
As far as acting funny while in Godfather's presence it might just be her way as a "female"...shy, coy, playful...and if he doesn't act angry about it towards her then she might think he approves of her this way. Hard to say but I wouldn't be mad.
Robin
sorry...dont mean death is funny as in ha ha...but as in every one copes differently.
chris' best friend would be like your 'godfather' in this scenario. he's like an uncle to Pey and has no kids of his own. he spoils her, roughhouses with her, doesn't watch her language and excuses her hyper outbursts. only around him.
but i'd venture a guess that yaya was just 'playing it cool'. i don't think she's too young to attend but young enough to still be utterly confused by it, even if she understands the formalities of it. it's a very emotional thing, and i may be playing the sex card but in this case it certainly applies...women pick up more on others emotions and want to try to make them feel better...it's like an animal instinct in most cases, most men aren't hard wired that way. maybe that was her way of consoling him, to get him to be happy like he is playing with her instead of being sad if she thinks he is.
make sense?
have a good one.
~Bernadette
As a mother of two little boys I am here to say that every single time it is important to us, as parents, that our children act perfect you can bet they are going to do the opposite. I do agree with you in bringing your daughter to the funeral. I believe they should be exposed to learn how to properly handle such situations. It would be horrible for them to lose someone they were very close to and then be thrown into a funeral situation. I think we (as parents) need to remember these are still little people we are dealing with-and we cannot expect perfect or adult behavior out of them. Children are still in the learning phase-where they are supposed to make mistakes and not have it held against them. Other adults should realize this-and more often than not they do. I think a lot of the time we as parents feel as if it is us being judged and not the child.
No I don't think that YaYa was to young to go to her Godfathers Grandmothers funeral. However I am quite sure she didn't really comprehend the whole situation. As for her Godfather well I don't know if she knows him really well or just as her Godfather. childern can be very perceptive and can feel things that we may not even notice. It might well be that she knows her Godfather is not really her best friend,,,,yet,,,,however I am sure the day will come when both will really know each other and the love they will then share will be wonderful Just takes time she has a long time ahead as does he Godfather,,,we pray. Sybil x
I think funeral are a natural thing and by exposing your children it can help to take away some of the fear of the unknown. And who knows why kids do the things kids do. I never understood why my kids did things and not sure why I did some things as a child. Part of growing up I guess.
Julie
The only person who has the abilty to determine her readiness is you. All others can offer input, but they don't know the child and their input would be a generalization. Personally, I would have done the same.
Jimmy
http://journals.aol.com/jimsulliv3/jimmys-journal/
Ya Ya isn't too young, and she understands death as much as any of us do. Since Grace acts silly and shy in his presence every single time and not just with a casket in the room. My take is that Grace wants to impress him and thinks when she acts that way it's somehow cuter. I've never understood why kid's think when they act shy it makes them seem more likeable, it's always had a strong opposite affect for me. Hopefully one day she'll be herself around him, wouldn't that be nice? As for people thinking it would be different if they were the parents, you're right on the money. I can't tell you how many times I thought I would do it better, quicker, neater, etc only to be quite humbled (time and time again) by parenthood. I love you, atleast you can take comfort in knowing we do really have great kids. The Mrs
I don't know how old she is?? 12 and under are going to act like that occasionally in my opinion. Kids are kids. But your kid is your kid and as long as you are doing your best, you are doing just fine. Sorry I am a little oblivious to some of the stuff you say or who you are talking about lol but I am brand new to your journal, and I will pick up as I go along. -Missy http://journals.aol.com/ma24179/MISSYZSTUFF
I think it is a good thing for children to be a part of....It is a part of life and when shown at a young age, they understand and when they are older and a much closer person pass it will be easier....
When my childrens Grandfather passed, they were 3 months, 5 years and 7 years, and I still am glad that I made that decision...
Jeanne
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